Chapter 38

Trigger warning: Slight mention of SA.

OLIVER

○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●

“You ordered the macchiato? That sounds lovely! I wanna try it too.”

I stared at Vanessa, resisting the urge to gape at her. “But you already ordered yours.”

“Well, I’ll order after I finish my drink,” she reached over the table to pat my cheek before settling back to her seat. “There is no such thing as trying too many drinks.”

I struggled to shoot her a smile before settling in my seat and staring through the window. The street next to the local cafe was bustling with cars. My eyes jumped from one to another, my mind miles away from where we sat.

So much had happened within this month that I wanted to wipe it out of my existence.

Lionel had always been at the back of my mind. The memory was starting to fade but his touch was still there…

A long with someone elses…

My hand still rubbed the side of my neck in slow ministrations.

Exactly where he’d sniffed my neck…

And I couldn’t stop replaying one memory. My fingers curled.

He’d found out about the worst thing about myself. I could not fathom why my mom thought my voice was gorgeous. I hated it. I hated how I sounded when I sang. My voice acquired this high, extremely feminine tone that always reminded me of the image of a man I could never reach.

That I was always teased I could never obtain.

Always teased.

And he’d heard it. I cringed inwardly.

You should join the glee club, he’d said.

The urge to hunch myself down at the table we were sitting almost overtook my being.

I’d also rambled to him. Practically vomited to him about my book. Looked like an absolute dork while I splayed my heart out to him about it.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

My mouth curled in unpleasantness. Now he had another thing to make fun of me for.

Lately, everytime I’d think about him, a tiny ball of swirling hot emotion threatened to rapture in my gut. I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t want to find out. I was too scared of what I would discover.

I’d let him see enough of my inner world that it now felt like I was on an operation table, my chest cracked wide open by surgeons, their twelve pairs of eyes looking down on me with cruel precision, tearing me apart piece by piece…

“Oliver,” Vanessa called. She looked especially stunning today. Her hair fell down on her shoulders in a cascade of curly, golden ringlets. She’d applied light make-up today but the highlight was her lipstick combo; black and burgundy which made her lips especially plump. Her eyes were on me, glittering with concern.

How could Rick even think of his ex when his girlfriend was always looking like a model on the runway?

Men.

“Is this about Rick?” She tried maintaining a poker face but irritation flashed in her eyes. “I’m assuming this is why you scheduled this impromptu meeting.”

I could have admitted that was the only reason but truthfully I wanted to debrief with someone who was not Rick or Casey.

“He’s being so distant lately,” I mused.

“Tell me about it.”

Our drinks came and the mood on the table instantly lifted.

“Mmhmmm,” Vanessa muttered, her eyes closing shut. “Nothing like a warm mint tea to make your morning vibrant.”

Her eyes turned to me. “How’s your life been?”

“It’s been…” All the events that occurred this month, from the kiss, to the club to my room, flashed before my eyes in a millisecond. “… interesting.”

Vanessa suddenly got a cheerful gleam in her eyes. “That interesting sounds confused. Possibly heart-struck. What’s being going on in your love life?”

I couldn’t breathe. Was it that obvious? Could you even call it a love life if the person wasn’t even your friend?

Oh my gosh, I was a mess.

“We always discuss my relationship. What about yours?”

“I don’t have a relationship. I’ve never been in a relationship.”

“Well, it sounds like you’re in one.” Vanessa took a sip of her tea and leaned back. “I need the tea.” She briefly looked at her cup. “If you know what I mean. Do tell.”

My pulse jumped at my neck. Suddenly, I felt cornered like a sick rat. I was starting to regret planning this meet-up.

“There’s this boy…”

Vanessa muttered a uh-huh that sounded so enthusiastic and nosy to the point I was tempted to stop this conversation right there. Or possibly melt in my seat.

“He and I…” I gulped, my cheeks heating up. “He and I kissed…”

“Was he your first kiss?”

“No,” I shook my head vigorously. “No he wasn’t. But he was… when we kissed, we thought it would… it would end things between us and…”

My throat clogged up. The world was now a thousand degrees hotter.

“And…” Vanessa encouraged.

“And…and… and I think Rick is seeing his ex.”

Vanessa’s expression shut itself off like a slab of cement. Her lips pursed into a thin line.

She took a sip of her tea, stared at it for a long moment then sighed deeply. “Way to ruin the taste of my tea.”

Moments of silence passed, each one more awkward and tense than the last.

“It’s just…” I hesitated for a moment before the words rushed out of me. “He said you two have been having fights and Rick’s been mentioning Maddie a lot – I think that’s her name – and that you caught him with a pic of Maddie wearing his jersey and that I think he’s a piece of shit for that and for going completely MIA on me when I’m supposed to be his bestfriend.”

I finished, breathing hard. The cafe hadn’t changed in the slightest but I could feel dozens of stares directed at me from other diners. Vanessa sat very still, a completely blank expression settled on her face.

“That little skeeve,” she muttered. By that time, her tea had already gone cold and my macchiato was starting to get cold too; all forgotten at the sound of my declaration.

I also felt extremely terrible. By revealing all this to Vanessa, I felt like I’d just stabbed Rick in the back with a serrated knife. He wouldn’t appreciate that. He’d possibly cut me off if he found out.

But Vanessa wouldn’t appreciate me withholding evidence of Rick possibly cheating.

“I did find that picture of Maddie wearing his jersey on his phone,” she grumbled. “Along with other pictures of them together. But I’m yet to find chats between them.”

“I also think…” I swallowed, knowing my next words would fan the flames which were the size of a Ferris wheel right now. “I think he’s meeting up with her.”

Vanessa’s eyes narrowed into slits. “How do you know that?”

I shrugged. “Intuition. I mean, if he’s been avoiding all of us, he must be going somewhere.”

Vanessa slowly swirled a spoon in her mint tea.

“So about this boy…” she said after her moment of rumination.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Was my life a social experiment?

Here I thought we were talking about serious matters…

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Vanessa’s eyes furrowed. She looked like she was about to say something but lost the will to state it at the last moment.

“Okay, babes… but we have to talk about what you are wearing,” She wrinkled her nose. “That army jacket looks decrepit and old as fuck and don’t tell me you’re going for a vintage aesthetic because this is far from it.”

I looked down at my clothes, suddenly self-conscious. I’d gotten the jacket way back in middle-school and I was still surprised it fit me so well.

But Vanessa was right. Time wasn’t this jacket’s bestie. The green in it had faded to a sickly shade reminiscent of vomit. I’d picked it today in a hurry but the normal me would have never been caught dead in this outerwear.

Vanessa’s voice suddenly caught this very concerned tone, like she was talking to a cancer patient or something. “Ollie, sometimes what someone wears can reflect their mental state. Is everything okay?”

My lips trembled. “I just…. it’s nothing…”

Vanessa gave me a pointed stare. “Okay. You don’t have to tell me anything – “

“I was SA’d,” I stated blandly. My voice sounded completely dead. I felt completely numb.

Vanessa gasped.

I quickly told her about the bathroom incident, how Lionel had me pinned against the mirror and how someone stopped him. I didn’t dare disclose who that ‘someone’ was.

“I mean, it wasn’t technically SA,” I stopped, suddenly realising I didn’t want to say the full term. A shiver ran through my spine. “He didn’t touch me, you know, down there. I feel like I’m overreacting.”

Vanessa rose from her seat. She swiftly made her way round our table before hugging me tight.

I suddenly felt very self- conscious. The other diners were probably thinking how weird this was but Vanessa’s arms felt so warm and cozy I ended up not caring. The chill in my spine subsided.

We stayed like this for a while before I cleared my throat and pulled away. “I’m fine now.”

Vanessa released me before taking my hands. “You’re not overreacting.”

She moved back to her seat without letting go of my hands so I had to lean forward.

“You’re not overreacting, okay?” She said softly. “Your privacy and personal space were invaded. It is exactly sexual assault and you don’t have to minimize your emotions. Okay?”

My throat felt dry and I couldn’t utter an audible response so I nodded. I didn’t want to admit that I inwardly flinched when she said ‘sexual assault’ but my heart also began to feel lighter.

An invisible weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I’d finally told someone. Oh my gosh.

“I’m always here if you need anything,” she rubbed the back of my hands.

I nodded.

She released my hand before taking the last sip of her tea. “This was amazing! Though I have a question.”

“What is it?”

“Was the guy you kissed this ‘Lionel’?” She said his name like it was the most disgusting thing she’d ever heard.

My lips curled. “Ew no. Never in a lifetime. It’s – ” I suddenly realized with horror that I had been about to say Jude before I caught myself. “It’s the person who stopped him.”

Vanessa quirked an eyebrow but it didn’t matter. The words were being punched out of me. I told her about when we kissed again in Rockwater mall, the club incident and when I brought Jude back to my place, completely wasted.

As I recounted it, that odd feeling, that tight ball of rage and resentment resurfaced as I talked about Jude before I tampered it down again.

I didn’t tell her about his breakdown though because it felt too raw plus it wasn’t my place to tell.

I also didn’t tell her about what happened between me and Jude at the club. How he’d nuzzled his nose on my neck.

When I was done, Vanessa looked like she was one word away from fainting. “Baby, we need to schedule more of these meet ups because Ohmygod.”

“You don’t even know the half of it,” I rolled my eyes. “Or I guess you do now.”

“Give me a moment to take this all in. I need like five minutes.”

Ten seconds passed.

“So did you sleep with the guy?”

“No!” I yelped. “Ohmyfuckinggosh why does everyone keep thinking that? First my mom then you…”

“I mean from your story it can seem implied – “

“We didn’t even sleep in the same bed…” My voice trailed off.

Vanessa’s eyes had got as wide as saucers. She was staring at something behind me.

“Is that… is that Jude?”

My blood ran cold in an instant. She had to be talking about a different Jude.

Vanessa stretched her neck to my left, trying to get a closer look but my mind was running wild.

Was it really him?

I couldn’t face him after what happened at my place.

Without meaning to, my ears focused on the voices behind me. I knew my back was facing the entrance of the cafe and that the counter was on my left. Anyone who entered wouldn’t see my front but I would also need to turn to see them.

“Man, I told you I skipped because of my brothers.” A guy spoke, his voice unfamiliar. “Relax, Mr Grumpy Pants.”

“Missed two trainings in a row,” said a gruff voice that made my world stop. I could recognise that deep timbre from anywhere. “You were supposed to spot me at the gym.”

Their voices became slightly distant and I knew they’d reached the counter, preparing to make their orders for take-away.

“It is Jude,” Vanessa muttered before smiling, “I should definitely say hi.”

She started waving.

“Vanessa, maybe we shouldn’t,” I sputtered, my voice tiny and shaking. I sounded completely out of breath.

Vanessa continued to wave, completely ignoring the fact that I was damn near hyperventilating.

The world started to spin. I needed cool air. I needed a fan.

Had they seen her? I knew we were sitting in a conspicuous place but there was a slight chance he hadn’t seen us.

I sat completely still. Maybe if I froze completely, they’d miss me?

But Vanessa continued to wave for their attention.

I started to fan myself with my hands dramatically. I was definitely going to pass out.

Vanessa gave me a concerned look. “You look like you’re going to pass out.”

Atleast she had stopped waving. Maybe they hadn’t seen us…

A figure was suddenly on my side, their body angled towards Vanessa.

“Hey Vanessa,” Jude said, offering his hand for a greeting. He must have recently got a haircut because his short dark curls were highlighted by a low taper fade that made his well – defined jawline pop out. He was wearing a long-sleeved polo-shirt with white and green stripes and normal jeans. “Long time.”

As his body shifted, the angle made me realize how much his haircut also highlighted the slight upturn of his baby-like almond eyes.

My breath escaped me.

He looked absolutely breathtaking.

Oh my gosh.

“Hi, Jude,” Vanessa gave him a wink. “How you doing? How’s life been?”

Another figure stepped beside Jude and I did a double take. The guy next to Jude was slightly shorter than him. His skin was a lot more fair but tanned, his features reminding me of a mexican. He had long jet black hair in waves but what struck me was his smile; vibrant and full of energy, almost mischevious like a child’s.

The other guy extended his arm in greeting to Vanessa as she and Jude exchanged a few more words.

Then Jude’s eyes slid to me and they went wide, his body becoming very tense. I got the feeling it was taking his entire will not to flinch.

The air became electrified.

None of us moved.

“My name’s Ruan,” the other guy was saying. “Jude’s teammate at College.”

“Ruan?” Vanessa quirked an eyebrow, a coy smile passing across her face. “tienes un buen nombre.”

“Oh, you speak spanish,” Ruan said, admiration in his tone. “Què padre.”

“Hablo este idioma desde que tenía diez años.”

They launched into an energetic tirade of spanish, completely oblivious to how awkward and tense the air around us had become.

Until I couldn’t take it anymore. I held out my hand. “Hi.”

The stunned expression on Jude’s face disappeared, replaced by a cool expression. I couldn’t help but notice how glossy his dark skin had become. He cleared his throat and shook my hand. “Hi.”

His greeting was low and throaty, like he was struggling to swallow.

But the real torture was his hand. I should have never offered to shake it.

An uncomfortable warmth spread from where our hands touched right to my cheeks. Time seemed to slow down. His hand felt rough and calloused on mine, possibly from working out in the gym like he’d confessed just a while ago. I was suddenly hyper aware of all its edges and texture. It felt like I’d been holding it for hours.

Jude suddenly withdrew his hand from mine. I didn’t want to believe it but his eyes had darkened considerably. As he swallowed, his throat bobbed up and down causing me to swallow as well.

His eyes traced the movement at my neck. His jaw ticked.

Memories of the club washed over me. I could practically feel his nose on me again, my pulse jumping at his breath…

I looked away from his heated gaze, just about to pass out.

And then I realised it… the air had actually got quiet. I looked up to see both Vanessa and Ruan giving us strange looks.

“You guys know each other?” Ruan inquired hesitantly.

Jude didn’t answer.

I cleared my throat. “Um, yeah. I’m Rick’s friend. From school. I’m Oliver.”

Ruan beamed. “Nice to meet you, Oliver. I’m Ruan.”

This time I didn’t offer my hand but Ruan didn’t seem bothered by it. He turned to Vanessa. “Thanks for your number. We should hang out sometime.”

“Definitely,” Vanessa smiled.

Ruan gave me a brief smile before exiting with his recently purchased coffee in his hand.

Jude said goodbye to Vanessa before his eyes leapt to me. “You look… you look great,” he said, his voice raspier than ever.

I must have looked like the fattest tomato ever seen with how much heat was creeping into my cheeks.

He hesitated for a moment before turning on his heels and bounding after Ruan.

After a few moments of silence, I let out a huge breath I didn’t even know I was holding.

Oh. My. God. Had that just happened?

In a trance, I looked at the hand that shook Jude’s. That is, until Vanessa broke me out of my stupor.

“It’s Jude, isn’t it?