Chapter 37

JUDE

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“What?”

“I said your advice was shit.”

Ruan took a step back. He frowned. “You gotta be a bit more specific, amigo. I say a lot and I mean a lot of things sometimes.”

I glanced up at him. “You don’t remember?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

He rolled his eyes. “How many times do I have to say this? Eres muy molesto-“

“I kissed a guy.”

Silence.

For a moment, every sound in the field faded until I was only hearing Ruan’s breathing which had momentarily stopped.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“You kissed…”

I waited.

“A guy…” he finished. He said the word like it was an alien word he was trying to decode.

He didn’t say anything after that. I let the discomfort hang in the air for a few more minutes.

Ruan scratched his head before cracking his fingers, one by one. He only did that when he was nervous or in deep thought. He started to say something before apparently thinking better of it.

Finally, in an almost mouse-like voice, he muttered, “You know you kind of have to be more specific. These days anyone can be a guy. The word guy is gender-neutral and all-“

I managed not to grit my teeth from the impatience starting to rise within me. “I kissed a dude, Ruan. D-u-d-e. A person with a dick. Do you need me to be more specific?”

Ruan’s mouth opened and closed repeatedly. It reminded me of videos I’d seen of fish captured from the sea, their mouths twitching and opening, spasming for air.

I would have laughed if I weren’t in a sour mood.

Ruan must have noticed. He backed away a few steps. “Whoa, whoa.” He made a time-out sign. “I didn’t tell you to go kiss some dude. I just shared my story.”

“Uh huh.”

“I didn’t think…” he bit his lip, “Shit. I thought you’d asked me that as a joke. You actually kissed a dude?”

“Could you be a little louder? I don’t think the whole of Australia heard you.”

Ruan fixed me with a sharp glance. “Did you… “

He rubbed his head before playing with his shirt. Suddenly, his eyes couldn’t meet mine. His fingers were busy flicking off invisible dirt.

The air was sizzling though at this point I didn’t know with what.

He glanced at me again before turning his head away. “Never mind.”

“Did I what?”

“Drop it, Jude.”

“Did I like it?”

Ruan’s eyes snapped to me at that moment. His fingers stopped moving for a moment before resuming on his shirt with newfound energy.

He was waiting for my answer. Earnestly.

I began scanning the ground beneath. “I did. I fucking did. I liked it so much it scares me.”

Another gap of silence.

I couldn’t look at Ruan. I’d said what I hadn’t realised until now was true. Would he judge me? Would he start seeing me differently? The thought was so terrifying my stomach twisted.

“Are you sure it wasn’t because you were horny and you didn’t find any girl so you decided to try it with a guy to satisfy yourself- and- and I’m just rambling at this point.”

Something plumped down next to me and I realised Ruan had just sat down.

“Hey man,” he said.

I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t bear to face him.

“You know… everyone says sexuality is a spectrum and I used to believe that was bullshit but it is true.”

“So you’re saying you’re not straight?” I said as I drew an imaginary star on the ground with my finger.

“I’m saying, Mr. Know it all,” he drawled, “that this sex shit is a journey. You might think the road is straight but turns out it might have a few bumps. But later, it turns out that the bumps were protecting you from something. Or helped you know something important about yourself. You feeling me?”

I nodded, absolutely unsure of what he was saying. Ruan nodded like he was satisfied and stood. “Come on. Let’s go get some water. I’m fucking thirsty.”

For the first time since I plomped on the ground, I wanted to stand. I grabbed his hand and hauled myself up.

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After the water break, I had to wait as coach timed the others for their short sprints.

As I watched, I couldn’t help but notice everyone was doing way better than me. And I mean everyone. Even guys I had always outperformed were finishing faster than me.

When it came to Liam’s turn, my mouth felt like it was filling with salt. Ten seconds for him. Almost beating my past record.

Then, my turn came again. I was shaking.

“On your mark.”

I bent over the blocks until the world narrowed to the start line. I breathed, steadying myself.

“Get set.”

I readied myself.

A whistle from coach, a breath – and I was gone.

My feet left the air, my hips fired. My knees exploded into action.

At that moment, I didn’t care about that kiss. I didn’t care about Rick. I didn’t care at all.

The world whisked by me. I pressed myself into the form, the forward lean coach always drilled into our heads.

Hold your form. Fasten your legs. Tighten your hips.

Lactic fire began to bloom behind my lungs.

I breathed out. The world was still a blur.

How long had it been? How much had I covered? Was I slowing down?

I’ll forget you were ever my brother. You’ll have died for all I care.

I stopped abruptly. Big mistake. A huge sting of pain flared through my right thigh. I cursed before tumbling forward.

“Adams!” Coach yelled from behind me. His voice seemed impossibly far away.

A moment later, he was at my side. I clutched my leg, my thigh feeling like it was being sawed from my body.

Coach leaned forward, examining my leg. At that point, I had begun attracting a fairly large crowd.

Coach pressed his fingers deeply into my thighs. I hissed but the pain had begun to ebb away. He rubbed lazy, force-filled circles on them. After a minute or two, the pain had vanished.

Coach looked up. His frown lines had lessened but he still seemed pretty serious. “Just a minor hamstring tightness. You’re lucky Adams. This could have been worse.” He fixed me with a tight gaze. “Why did you stop like that? I’ve always told you never to stop like that.”

I couldn’t speak. My throat was tight and I was almost sure that I would throw up if I tried to speak.

“Is something wrong?”

I couldn’t answer.

Coach maintained his gaze for a few moments before checking his stopwatch. “6.8 seconds. Though you didn’t clear 40 metres.”

I sighed. That was still too slow. Shit.

“Listen, kid.” Coach leaned forward before whispering, “I don’t know what’s being going on with you but you need to get yourself together. I’m going to bench you permanently this season.”

My heart stopped. My hands curled into fists. My ears began to ring.

He couldn’t. He couldn’t do it, right?

I waited for the nightmare to end. For my eyes to open and to find myself in my room.

It didn’t end. It wasn’t a nightmare

“Don’t,” I stuttered, surprised at how broken my voice was. “Don’t put me off the team.”

“Adams-“

“Please,” I sniffed. Fuck. I was sniffing. I could feel my eyes getting pricked.

“You can’t handle the pressure.”

“I can.” I grabbed his shirt. I didn’t care whether there were people around. “I can- I can handle it. Just… just let me prove myself.”

Coach’s lips pursed. After a moment, he said, “Do you know why I’m extra hard on you?”

I froze. My ears rang even harder.

“It’s because you’re my best runner. A rare talent. Since I coached this school for five years, I’ve rarely seen talent like yours. When you won last championships, I said to other coaches that I was hardly surprised you won. Because I knew you had it in you. You still do. But the pressure is getting to you. And I can’t risk you getting injured.”

“I can handle the pressure.”

“Adams -“

“Please, coach.” I exhaled. “Please let me show you. I’ll come to practice every time. I’ll work extra hard. Just please, please don’t let me off the team. I can’t- I can’t disappoint – “

My chest shuddered.

“I can’t disappoint my dad,” I said in a defeated tone. The ringing in my ears stopped.

Coach was silent. Too silent. My fingers trembled.

Then he said, “Fine. But I better see improvements.”

I let out a sigh I hadn’t known I was holding.

His dark eyes regarded me for a moment before he stood. “Training’s done for today. Great job everyone. You’re dismissed.”

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After taking a shower in the training rooms, I changed into a fresh set of hoodie and shorts.

As I was about to leave, a hand stopped me.

“Hey,” Ruan said, making me turn to face him. “What did Coach say?”

I almost shuddered, remembering the entire conversation. “He told me he’d remove me from the team.”

“What? That’s…” he trailed off. When his eyes met mine again, they were symphathetic. “So did he…”

“He didn’t. But he expects to see me improve..”

Ruan exhaled. He swept his raven-black hair off his eyes. “That’s great, man.”

I nodded but I was so exhausted, I couldn’t bear to continue the conversation. “I’ll see you on Wednesday.”

I was about to turn but Ruan’s next question made me freeze.

“Who was it?”

“What do you mean?”

Ruan chuckled. “Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean, amigo.”

“I don’t.”

He rolled his eyes. “Who did you kiss?”

Oh. Pin-drop silence filled the room.

I shrugged. “Some guy in a club.”

Ruan’s eyebrows furrowed. Clearly he didn’t believe me but before he could argue, I gave him a curt good bye and skeddadled out of there.

I’d already told him a lot. And it’s not like he knew Oliver that well but I’d said enough things today.

I got out and immediately bumped into fellow teammates of mine.

“Hey, Jude.” Edgar smiled at me.

“Hey.”

“The guys are heading out for a drink or two. Wanna join?”

My breath hitched, the memory of me passing out and waking up in Oliver’s room still fresh in my mind, the sound of my brother’s voice even louder.

A part of me wanted to drown it all in more alcohol. A part of me wanted to sink completely into that hollow pit that had been festering since my father died.

I deserved it.

And suddenly, I was back in Oliver’s room, his green eyes fixed on me.

I was hiding the pain by taking drugs and alcohol.

You need to stop taking those as a way to cope, he’d said.

It was a throwaway comment. He didn’t actually mean it.

But suddenly, I found myself saying, “Thanks but I’m good.”

I made my way past them, my head spinning, my mind trying to ignore their puzzled looks…

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**Two days later.**

Training went way better than I expected. Coach still didn’t direct any smiles at me whatsoever but my timing was definitely improving.

Training ended way earlier today but I didn’t notice until I was alone at the field. Ruan had missed today’s practice because he had to go babysit one of his little brothers because to him, they were little ‘diablos‘ when left unattended.

I carried my backpack over my shoulder and left school. I tried to ignore how my heart jumped at the fact that I no longer waited for my brother like I normally did.

I shook my head before my eyes landed on a bookshop across the street. There was a sale on a variety of books lined outside the bookshop’s window.

At first, I glossed over the covers, dark, pink, full of glitter. Completely ordinary. Until my eyes landed on one specific one; not very special-looking. But the title and the cover brought out an almost hidden memory from when I woke up in Oliver’s room.

No way…

I sailed forward on my feet until I was just outside the bookshop, eyes trained at the particular book.

“Can I help you?” asked a woman coming out of the bookshop. She looked about in her mid-forties, wearing modern jeans and a baggy green top. Her strawberry blonde hair was styled in a bob. I could only assume she was the owner.

“What book is that?”

“The third instalment in the HighBorn Series. It just came out but we have a limited discount on it.” She flashed me a slow, sweet smile. “Are you looking to buy it for yourself? Or maybe for your girlfriend?”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Really? You don’t seem the type to not have someone special in your life.”

The woman’s voice seemed to have faded off as she talked, my eyes drowned in the book cover as I remembered how his eyes sparkled as he had talked about it, his smile brilliant and infectious, his voice bursting with flavour.

He’d looked absolutely beautiful. Stunning.

I hadn’t been able to form a single thought at the time…

But I’d only seen him like that when he was talking about that book.

I stared at the price brandished at the front of the book, its cover pulling me deep into its intricate details. Deeper and deeper and deeper…

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Hello, my lovelies. Been a while but my exams are done. The semester is over…

I am now free from the nasty shackles of academics🤭

I thought I’d treat y’all with a double update.

Hope you enjoyed Jude’s training sesh.🏃‍♂️And make sure you read the previous chapter. Don’t skip the one before this.😉

See ya 💋