Chapter 74

Ryan waited for it to be a big deal. Waited for it, hoped for it, even. He found himself looking forward to some confrontation.

It never came.

He was sure Ricky had told Sean and Dave that Ryan was gay, because Ricky couldn’t keep a secret if his life depended on it. Yet Tuesday night passed quietly, with some of the boys deciding to play poker while Ryan did his homework at the kitchen table. And Wednesday. Thursday, too, only this Thursday Ryan and Jacky walked out of the therapy office, looked at each other, and headed into the stairwell to frantically make out for a couple of minutes. 

“I wish you were coming to my house this weekend,” Jacky sighed when Ryan decided he’d better get downstairs before Darren came looking for him again.

“Me, too,” said Ryan. More kissing, then Ryan really had to go.

This weekend Ryan would be staying at Lance’s house. He was happy to spend some time with his best friend. There wouldn’t be any pressure on him the way there was at Monica’s house or even Jacky’s. He’d stayed over Lance’s house lots of times, usually after parties so his mom wouldn’t know he’d been drinking.

That thought depressed him, since towards the end he’d been drinking a lot and knew his mom wouldn’t hear him if he came home drunk.

He decided if he couldn’t be with Jacky this weekend, then he could do one productive thing: come out to Lance.

He’d learned from the various websites he’d looked at was that it was easier to come out to one person alone than to a group. It made sense. If he came out to Lance, who was supposed to be his best friend, then Lance would back him up later when Ryan came out to everyone else.

He would wait for the right moment, though. Definitely not in Mrs. Turner’s minivan with Lukas sitting in the front seat.

“What will you be doing for Christmas, Ryan?” she asked him.

“I’m staying with my friend Jacky,” he told her.

“The whole Christmas break?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I think for Christmas Eve and Christmas day.”

“You should stay over for a few days over vacation,” she said warmly. “That’ll be fun, right, honey?”

“Yeah,” Lance said.

“This other friend, he’s not on the football team?” Mrs. Turner asked.

Lukas choked on a laugh.

“No, Ma,” Lance said.

“And you’re very good friends?” In the rearview mirror, Ryan could read the confusion on her face. She knew all of Lance’s friends.

“Yes,” said Ryan.

Lance gave him a look. Ryan shrugged.

“All right. You’re welcome to stay with us, you know that. There’s always room at our house!”

Ryan gave her a polite smile.

When they got to the house, Lance grabbed Ryan’s overnight bag, and Ryan followed him into the house carrying his backpack. “You boys hungry for lunch?” Mrs. Turner asked as they tromped up the stairs.

Like she even needed to ask.

“I got the new Call of Duty,” said Lance, dropping Ryan’s bag on the floor. Lance had a 40-inch screen TV in his room with surround sound and both an Xbox and a Playstation. It stared across the room at Lance’s giant bed. Usually when Ryan slept over, Ryan slept on the floor in a sleeping bag he would bring from his own house. But he obviously didn’t have a sleeping bag, and he didn’t see one in Lance’s room.

“Cool.” Ryan set down his backpack.

“Did you bring your homework?” Lance asked, hurling himself onto his bed. “Loser. Let’s play first.”

“I only have physics.” Ryan sat down on the bed beside Lance.

They played until Mrs. Turner called them down. Now this was a woman who knew how to feed three teenage boys: turkey and ham and bacon sandwiches with tomatoes and pickles piled on thick bread slathered in mustard, and of course, chips and soda. Jacky’s mom always managed to work bean sprouts into everything, and Monica’s mom was clearly looking out for her own figure, if not that of her daughter’s. “This is really good,” said Ryan through a full mouth.

Lance grunted assent.

Mrs. Turner headed upstairs to get ready for whenever Mr. Turner returned home. “Where’s your dad?” Ryan asked.

“At work,” said Lukas.

“Where are they going tonight?”

Lance shrugged and popped his soda open, then drained the can in three swallows.

“Who cares,” Lukas answered. His words were overshadowed by a giant belch from Lance.

Ryan laughed while Lukas glared.

After lunch they went back to playing video games. Lance had two headsets and they lost themselves in combat, thinking only about mission objectives. “Can I play?” Lukas asked from the doorway about an hour later.

“No, go away,” said Lance without even looking up.

“It’s okay,” said Ryan. “Here, play for me while I grab a soda.”

“Get one for me,” said Lance. “Dr. Pepper.”

When he came back with the sodas, including a Coke for Lukas, Lukas reluctantly returned the headset.

“You can play for me for a while,” said Ryan. “I have some homework.”

“Come on, man!” Lance said, pausing the game. “You’re seriously gonna do homework right now?”

“I’d rather not do it later, if everyone’s still coming over,” Ryan said.

Lance didn’t say anything, but he did unpause the game, and he and his brother played on.

Ryan didn’t have that much reading, and he’d grown used to blocking out noise at the group home. He sat up and shut his book.

“You ready to play again?” Lance asked.

“Yeah, sure.”

Another hour passed. Mr. Turner returned home, and Ryan could smell Mrs. Turner’s perfume as she bustled around. Ryan figured they were going to a holiday party, because she was wearing something that jingled when she walked.

“Do they have video games at that place?” Lance asked.

(“What place?” asked Lukas.

“The place he lives, duh,” said Lance.)

“Yeah,” said Ryan.

“Like what? What games do they have?”

“I don’t know. I never play there.”

“What about your friend Jacky?”

“What about him?”

“Can he even play video games?”

“Yeah,” said Ryan. His hands were sweating, and he wiped his palms on his jeans. “He has a special controller.”

“They make one-handed controllers? That’s cool.”

Ryan felt himself sitting tensely even after they had all lapsed into silence again. He’d thought the moment might have come. Then again, would the “right moment” have involved Lukas sitting there, playing some game on his phone?

As if reading Ryan’s mind, Lance said, “Hey twerp, go get us more soda and the Pringles and I’ll let you play for a bit.”

“I’m not your slave,” said Lukas.

Lance paused the game and looked at his brother.

“Fine,” said Lukas. “But I want to play for at least twenty minutes.”

“You can play all night while we watch a movie downstairs,” Lance said.

“I wanna watch a movie too,” said Lukas.

“You’re gonna be stuck up here all night if I say so.”

“Then I’m not getting your snacks.” Lukas returned to his phone.

“Fine. Twenty minutes,” huffed Lance.

Lukas was out of the room like a shot.

Ryan had been sitting there, gripping the controller, throughout this whole exchange. He felt sick. Was Lance going to ask him about Jacky?

Unpausing the game, Lance did no such thing.

Ryan was beginning to understand why he wanted the confrontation. He didn’t want to say it.

After a few seconds of hesitation that felt like minutes, Ryan took off his headset and said, “I’m gay.”

“What?” Lance asked. He reached up to his earpiece, only to realize Ryan hadn’t been throwing around the sorts of insults the online players often used. He paused the game again and turned to Ryan. “What?”

A deep breath. Eye contact. “I’m gay,” he said.

Lance looked at him for a long time. Until Lukas returned with the snacks and sodas and said, “My turn!” and snatched up the headset.

Lance moved over on the bed, toward Ryan, and Lukas sat where Lance had been sitting.

“So, like, when you were dating Monica…” Lance mused.

Ryan glanced at Lukas. “Yeah.”

“Huh,” said Lance. “I guess that makes sense.”

“It does?”

“Yeah, you know. Why you’ve been hanging around with Jacky Jennings.” Lance grinned at Ryan. “Yeah.”

Ryan let himself smile and relax. “Okay. Good. Thanks.”

“Hello, am I playing by myself?” Lukas demanded. “Come on, Ryan.”

“Sorry,” said Ryan, and put his headset back on.

Lance thumped Ryan on the back, then seemed about to make himself more comfortable, but Mr. Turner called him from the hallway. “Lance, your mother and I are heading out!”

“Okay!” Lance called back.

“That means get your ass down here!”

Ryan glanced at his friend. Mr. Turner was an intimidating man. Lance sighed and got up. “I’ll be right back,” he said, slapping Ryan on the leg.

“Sure.”

Lukas didn’t bat an eyelash, until his big brother was out of the room. “What’s the big secret?” he asked.

“No secret,” said Ryan.

Lukas turned to look at him, despite the game still going. “I will find out what it is,” he said. “I collect secrets.”

Goosebumps rose up on Ryan’s arms.

“All he wanted was to give me money for the pizza,” laughed Lance. By the time he re-entered the room, Lukas was back at the game like nothing had been said. “You got fifteen more minutes, twerp. What kinda pizza you guys want?”

“Hawaiian,” said Lukas.

“Pepperoni,” said Ryan.

Lance apparently had the pizza place’s number in his contacts, because the next thing Ryan heard was the number dialing. “I’d like three large pizzas please – a pepperoni, a meat lovers’ and a Hawaiian.”

It sounded like a lot of pizza, but somehow it disappeared when Matt and Alex came over. “This is exactly what I needed,” said Matt as they flopped around on the couches and chairs downstairs. “No girls.”

“Yeah, you got some problems, man,” said Alex. “What’s even happening with Nina?”

Matt shrugged. “She likes that deaf kid, I guess.”

“Cody Mitchell,” Ryan supplied.

Matt gave him a look.

“He’s friends with Jacky,” Ryan said. “He’s okay.”

“Somebody change the subject,” Alex hissed.

“You been hanging out with him?” Matt asked.

“With Jacky, yeah. I only hung out with Cody once. He was…” Ryan wasn’t sure how much to say, but then, they probably all knew it. “He was pretty high.”

“I don’t get it,” Matt said, falling back into the couch cushions. “Why would Nina dump me for a stoner?”

“Probably because you yell a lot.” Lance shoved a slice of pizza in his mouth.

Instead of getting upset, Matt slumped even more somehow. “I know.”

Ryan caught a glimpse of Lukas lurking around the corner. “You want some more pizza?” Ryan asked him.

“I told you to eat upstairs!” said Lance through a mostly full mouth.

“Let the kid stay,” Matt said. “Not like my anger management issues are a secret.”

Lukas slid into the room, took another slice of his Hawaiian pizza, and perched at the end of the couch. Lance moved over to make more room, which meant he was rubbing elbows with Ryan. It wouldn’t have been a big deal, but then Lance looked over at Ryan and grinned and patted Ryan’s leg.

And left his hand there.