Chapter 73

Ryan didn’t have to talk to Dr. Burns about his eulogy. He’d already lived his eulogy.

Dr. Burns did want to talk about whether or not Ryan wanted to continue therapy. “I’m contracted through the school system for eight weeks. At that time, I turn over my assessment. Whether or not I deem that further counseling is needed, you can decide to continue. Or not continue.”

Looking out the window, Ryan thought about Jacky, who probably wasn’t getting this same choice.

“The eight-week goal was very simple, and that was to help you deal with your mother’s terminal diagnosis. Since she passed, the new goal was to help you deal with your grief, as well as your transition to the group home.”

“And now those goals are done,” said Ryan.

“We’ve only accomplished those goals if you think we’ve accomplished them. People can spend years dealing with the grief from a parent’s death. I’m sure there will be many issues involved in group home life that might make you wish you had an impartial party to talk to.” Dr. Burns looked at him with that serious gaze he so often wore. “However, you have a support system in place. You can contact your social worker, and the group home is fully staffed twenty-four hours a day if you need someone to talk to.”

Ryan thought about that. He could barely imagine talking to some of the staff. Most of them he didn’t really know, and some of them, like Leigh, he didn’t like very much. And Allison wasn’t exactly easy to reach on the phone.

“It also seems like your friends have been very supportive.”

They had talked about this in their sessions, about Monica and Jacky mostly, but also how Lance and Matt and Alex were all making an effort, now that they knew what was going on in Ryan’s life.

“Yeah,” Ryan said, looking at his hands.

“I can make my recommendation that you do not have an urgent need for further therapy, but I want you to know that continuing in therapy isn’t going to change that opinion. Lots of people go to therapy. You don’t have to be in crisis to need or want therapy. It doesn’t mean that you’re weak, or that something’s wrong with you.”

Dr. Burns stopped there. After a moment, Ryan said, “Okay.”

“Would you like some time to think about it?” Dr. Burns asked.

Ryan tried to imagine not coming back here ever again. He imagined himself walking off, alone, and never feeling like he could be honest about anything ever again.

“No, I don’t need to think about it. I want to keep coming here,” Ryan said.

***

Ryan lingered in the waiting room, even though he knew Darren was downstairs in the van. There were only so many times he could pretend to tie his shoe and button his coat, and he was about to give up and leave when Jacky emerged from Dr. Greene’s office, wiping his eyes. Ryan immediately crossed the room and hugged Jacky to his chest. “You okay?” Ryan asked.

Jacky nodded, and didn’t say anything, and that was when Ryan knew it had been bad.

“You want to sit up here for a while?”

Jacky shook his head. He squeezed Ryan, then pushed away. For a second, Ryan thought maybe Jacky was mad. Then Jacky took his hand and pulled him out of the waiting room and into the hallway.

“We don’t have to rush,” Ryan said. “I know Darren’s waiting but he can wait a few more—”

He had to stop talking, because Jacky was shoving him up against the wall and then Jacky’s tongue was in his mouth. Surprised, he smiled and laughed as Jacky kissed him. “Oh,” he managed to say at some point, when Jacky decided to come up for air.

They looked at each other. Jacky’s eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, but he didn’t look sad. Not anymore.

Ryan glanced down the hallway toward the elevator, then in the other direction. He didn’t know what other kinds of offices were in this building, but they didn’t seem very busy. Coming to back to Jacky, he tilted his head forward and kissed Jacky nice and slow.

Even though they had spent an entire weekend together, this felt different. Exposed, even though they were alone. Was this how it would feel to kiss Jacky in public, where anyone could see them? Probably not. He felt hyper-aware of the sounds around them.

But Jacky.

His brain told him this was teenage infatuation. The first guy he’d ever kissed. It wasn’t love; they had only been dating for a few weeks. And yet he clutched Jacky against him and his mouth was so hot and Jacky’s hand scraped up through his hair and when he pulled Jacky closer so he could feel exactly what this was doing to him, Jacky made a sound in the back of his throat. There was something desperate about it. Ryan half-remembered that Jacky had been crying and he wanted to find out what was wrong, but he didn’t want to stop whatever this was.

A ding from the elevator at the end of the hall had them jumping away from each other.

Ryan wiped his mouth and yanked his shirt down, while Jacky half-hid behind Ryan and tried to fix his hair.

It was Darren. Of course it was Darren, because Ryan hadn’t come right outside after his appointment was over.

“I’ve been waiting for ten minutes,” Darren said, having barely stepped out of the elevator.

“Sorry,” Ryan said at the same time that Jacky said, “It was my fault.” They looked at each other, both red-faced.

Darren lunged back at the elevator to stop the doors from closing. “Okay, well, let’s get a move on. Ricky is late for the dentist.”

“Okay.” Ryan looked back at Jacky.

“Is there a problem?” Darren asked.

“No.” He reached out and tugged at Jacky’s sleeve, and they both walked to the elevator and got in. “Come on.”

During the short ride down the elevator, he and Jacky kept peeking at each other and smiling. Darren, texting on his phone, didn’t notice. Before they hit the ground floor, Ryan took hold of Jacky’s hand.

Jacky’s smile faded a bit as he gave Ryan a wide-eyed look that stayed on his face as the elevator doors opened and they stepped out into the lobby.

Ryan couldn’t see Jacky’s face as they exited the building and came into view of the van. He felt his own smile turn a bit grim. All it took was one look at his boyfriend – and how saying that word in his head felt so right – and he smiled again, because Jacky was smiling down at the ground. All cute and shy with his messed-up hair that always somehow looked perfect.

“Dude, you gay or something?” Ricky asked after Ryan climbed into the van and shut the door.

Outside, Jacky was unlocking his bike. Still smiling. When the van passed by him and he looked up, Ryan gave him a wave. “Yup,” Ryan said.