Chapter 31

OLIVER

○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●

Jude leaned against the door, all energy and zeal to exit my room disappearing into thin air. “No… No… No…”

He slid to the ground, his back against the door. His lips began to quiver. “It’s coming back. It’s all coming back…” he held back something in his throat that sounded like a choke.

I didn’t dare move a muscle. Didn’t dare speak. Jude’s eyes seemed so far away at that moment. He glanced out the window, his eyes glossed over like he was reliving a horrible memory, no doubt.

“Dad,” he whispered. His hands began to shudder. He said the name like it were a thousand worlds, all breaking at the same time.

With his hoodie forgotten at his side, his hands moved to clutch the hem of his tank top at his neck so tightly that I could hear the fabric begin to tear. So tightly, his knuckles almost turned white.

“Jude,” I called out, unable to take it anymore but he couldn’t hear me. His breathing became more laboured. He took a deep breath and I could hear tears in that moment.

I waited.

But the tears never came.

He kept shuddering against the door, his hands still clutching the neck of his tanktop.

I’d never seen him like this. Never imagined him like this. He was normally so controlled, so measured with how he conducted himself that I felt like I was watching a butterfly come out of its chrysalis too early, its wholeness deformed and ruined.

Jude’s breathing quickened until he was beginning to pant. That snapped me out of my trance. I immediately forgot how he always looked when he used to make fun of me, how he looked when he dismissed me. All I cared was how he looked now. And he looked absolutely scared out of his mind.

I moved towards him, careful not to make my movements sudden but it was like Jude didn’t notice me at all. His eyes were still staring straight ahead, through my window.

I reached his side and knelt down. “Jude,” I whispered. I kept my hands on my lap, careful not to touch him. At that point, he might as well have been a fragile set of china.

He didn’t respond.

“Jude,” I repeated.

His gaze shifted slightly from the window. “Oliver?”

“I’m here.”

“My dad…” he whispered. His voice sounded less haunted now.

“What about him?”

“My dad,” he repeated.

I waited patiently, reciting words of comfort. The more I talked, the more his shaking seemed to lessen. His grip on his tanktop lessened, the muscles in his arms relaxing.

“My dad, Oliver,” he said, his voice breaking. “His body… his body is…”

“Gone?” I guessed, the dots already beginning to connect. Rick said they’d buried him long ago and the mention of his body could only mean it had been destroyed somehow.

Or stolen…

“When he died, I never went to see his body in the morgue with Rick and Mom… I didn’t want to see him… he had to be alive… that wasn’t my dad…” he was now rambling, his words fast and absolutely heartbreaking. “That wasn’t my dad they buried…and now I’ll never know… because he’s…” the word got lodged in his throat.

I thought I could see tears began to fill his eyes before he released the neck of his tank top, brought his knees to his chest and buried his face in between them. His breathing quickened again.

I waited again, but no tears dropped. A small tremor passed through his entire body before he went completely still.

I stared in absolute horror and heartbreak. I knew losing a parent, especially one you loved, could completely change someone’s life but I’d never experienced it. I’d always expected it with my mom someday but I’d never put much thought into how I would cope.

But now staring at Jude, I was horrified. And sad. He’d never taken the chance to completely come to terms with it. He had never received closure. And it was eating him up slowly. Was this why he was sometimes such a douchebag? No wonder he turned to alcohol to drown his worries.

But that is only a temporary solution…

Without thinking, my hand found itself on his shoulder, gripping it tightly. “I’m -” I caught myself from saying ‘sorry’. It was probably the last thing he wanted to hear.

Instead, I began to ramble on. “My father broke things off with my mom before I was born,” I confessed. “They had an engagement party and they’d later moved into a luxurious house in Virginia which both had worked hard for before then. Everything was going great. That is until two weeks later, my mom woke up in a house that was completely empty. Everything was missing. She tried calling my father but the number was unreachable. In other words, she was blocked.”

The words were now being ripped out from me. “My mom didn’t know at the time she was pregnant. She later lost her job and…and the house was on mortgage so she couldn’t manage it on her own. You can imagine what happened. She soon lost it and had to relocate to a small apartment in the North west. When she did found out she was pregnant with me,” I took a deep breath, “she planned to abort.”

Silence. I waited for a reply to that shocking bombshell that I’d never told anyone, not even Casey, but Jude remained silent and went absolutely still. At least he had stopped shaking.

I continued, “She would have, you know. She would have aborted me. That is, until one of her sisters managed to clinch her an average job in Graphic design. It wasn’t much but it was enough to sustain her, and consequently me. And so she did. Later, she got another job in HR but that’s another story…When I was born, she did everything in her power to make sure I was well and safe and protected and happy and loved and…” I blinked back tears. “…and being the best mother ever in this world.”

I rubbed my eyes. “I don’t care about my father. I’ve, quite frankly never seen him, and I don’t care to but my mom? I would absolutely die for her. I would give her the world…”

Jude still hadn’t spoken. I thought he was asleep at that point but I still continued. “I remember watching an interview of this famous actor- I can’t remember his name- but he was saying how he deals with the death of his mom by reframing the grief as…as unexpressed love that stays with you. Your dad…”

I took a shaky breath. “Your dad may be gone and his physical body may be gone too but your love for him still lives. It still endures. Your pain, your longing for him is just the love you have for him. The love that still goes on. And nothing is ever going to change that.”

I wanted to say more but I couldn’t. Instead, I continued rubbing Jude’s shoulder, not even certain if he was even awake.

Maybe my words had been for nothing…

Before I could take my hand off, however, his hand came to mine with a suddenness that surprised me before gripping it tightly.

He caressed the top of my hand, making my skin tingle.

“Thank you,” he muttered, his voice hoarse.

I rubbed his hand in response, waiting for more but that was all he said. His breathing began to slow down. I never stopped rubbing his shoulder, even as I leaned against his side, listening closely as our breathing rates merged into one before falling asleep against the door.

○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●

Whew this chapter. When I said the next chapter was gonna be rough I meant this one but I had to split it into two because my spontaneous, random self thought this scene deserved its own chapter. I got kind of emotional writing some parts but It is what it is. (^.^)

Any thoughts and takes on this chap?

Also someone give my baby Jude a hug😭

Don’t forget to leave a vote.

Mwah💋. Love ya. ( ≧∀≦)ノ