Chapter 78

Cody’s situation worsened when Haylee asked him to the winter formal. The crisis necessitated a long night of smoking pot in his camper, while Jacky tried to listen and not think about Ryan spending this weekend at Monica’s. He would have Ryan for Christmas and New Year’s. He felt like a divorced parent with joint custody.

“Dude, what am I gonna do?” Cody moaned.

“If you didn’t want to go with her, then you shouldn’t have said yes!” Jacky almost yelled.

Cody looked at him with glassy eyes. “But I do want to go with her. But I was going to ask Nina.”

“Then why didn’t you tell Haylee you were going to ask Nina?”

“I…” Cody stared off into the distance for a few moments. “What if Nina said no?”

“Then you don’t go to the dance. Big deal.” Jacky popped a cheese curl into his mouth. “I’m not going.”

“You’re not?”

Jacky glared at him.

“It’s a valid question,” Cody said clearly.

“I haven’t gone to a dance since I was with Billy Malone,” said Jacky.

“And you haven’t been with anyone since Billy,” countered Cody.

Jacky narrowed his eyes.

It seemed like Cody was too willing to focus on the mess of Jacky’s love life rather than his own. “I’m sure Mr. Football Star goes to all the school dances.”

“It’s a big step,” Jacky said. “He’s only come out to, like, three people. I’m sure he doesn’t want to be walking into a dance with a guy and have everyone at school find out he’s gay.”

“Sure, dude.”

“Anyway, who gives a fuck if I go to this dance or not? You’re going with Haylee. Have you told Nina, your girlfriend, that you’re going to the dance with someone else?”

Cody’s shoulders slumped. “Nina’s not my girlfriend.”

“What? Did she break up with you? She seemed fine yesterday.” Nina had been sitting with them at lunch off and on over the past weeks. It seemed more like she wanted to sit with her other friends sometimes, nothing to do with her relationship with Cody.

“No. We’re not… official.”

Jacky knew what that meant. “So you haven’t asked her to be your girlfriend, is that it?”

“I never had a girlfriend before! I don’t know how to do this!” Cody exclaimed, then dropped his head into his hands. “Why’s this shit gotta be so complex, man?”

Then it was Christmas Eve and even though Mrs. Jennings dragged the boys to church, Ryan and Jacky could easily put all their other worries out of mind. Ryan found himself getting choked up during the services but managed not to cry. He tried not to think about his mom. Instead he focused on how his arm was pressed up against Jacky’s and Jacky’s soft and low singing voice, almost like he was afraid to sing louder. As Ryan was standing right beside him, he could hear it and it made him smile. He was pretty sure his own singing voice wasn’t that good.

Afterwards, Mrs. Jennings wanted them to go with her to a party at a friend of hers, but Jacky begged off. “Come on, Mom, it’s always so boring there!”

“But it’s Christmas Eve!” Mrs. Jennings repeated.

Ryan hung back in the kitchen doorway. He could tell Mrs. Jennings didn’t want to leave them alone, and it wasn’t until he saw the tears in her eyes that he began to understand why. He was about to tell her he didn’t mind going, but then Jacky hugged his mom tight. “We’ll be okay, Mom. We’ll be here when you get home. We’ll wait up for you.”

Ryan stepped back until he was out of eyesight, pressing his spine into the wall. Sometimes it was easy to forget that this was only Jacky’s third Christmas without his dad and sister. Once Mrs. Jennings had gone, Ryan asked Jacky, “What was it like, the first Christmas…” He almost said without your dad. “…after the accident?”

“I don’t really remember.” Jacky looked tired all of a sudden, like he had given his mother all of his energy in that hug. “I was still in rehab. Pretty drugged up. You want something to eat?”

“Not right now.” Ryan pulled Jacky into his arms and gave him a hard squeeze. “I want to give you a present.”

Jacky perked up at this. “You don’t want to wait until tomorrow?”

“I technically have two presents for you. But this one’s private.”

A blush spread over Jacky’s cheeks. “Okay.”

They separated and Ryan went to his duffel bag to retrieve it. “I got a job,” he said as he rooted around. “So I ended up having money to buy you something, but for a few weeks I thought I wasn’t going to have enough money to get you anything.”

“When did you get a job?” Jacky asked.

“Oh, a couple days ago. I haven’t technically started there yet.” Ryan found his hardbound portfolio case and approached Jacky. “I’m gonna be working at Subway.”

“That’s where Cody works,” Jacky said, backing up so they could both sit on the couch. “Why didn’t you tell me you were even looking for a job?”

Ryan shrugged and looked down at the black zippered case. “I guess I was embarrassed. My mom always said stuff like, ‘You have to do well in school or else you’ll be working in fast food for the rest of your life.'”

“My mom says that too.”

“But I’m actually looking forward to getting a paycheck, you know?” Ryan unzipped the case. “Anyway, so I made this for you before I thought I would have money to get you a real present.”

Jacky looked ready to pounce. A bit self-consciously, Ryan opened the portfolio and pulled out a drawing.

“Oh,” said Jacky, taking it. His blush intensified, and Ryan felt his own face heating up.

“I guess you can see why I didn’t want to give this to you in front of your mom.”

“Yeah.”

For a while Jacky didn’t say anything, and Ryan started to wonder if Jacky didn’t like it. Then Jacky asked, “Do you really think I look like that?”

“Yes.” The word came out in a breathy rush as he leaned forward and pulled Jacky toward him until their mouths met.

The kiss was hot and frantic and almost immediately Ryan’s jeans felt too tight.

Suddenly, though, Jacky was pulling away. “Wait, wait,” he said, laughing. “I don’t want it to get ruined. Let’s go up to my room.”

Upstairs, they tumbled onto the bed and time slipped away. Ryan couldn’t say how many minutes or hours had passed before he found himself with no shirt on and Jacky trailing kisses down his chest and stomach and lower. He didn’t know where Jacky had learned to do any of this; he alternately closed his eyes or looked down at the top of Jacky’s head as he tried not to fall under the rush of feelings washing over him. Eventually it became too much, though, and even more time was lost then.

After, Jacky crawled up to lie beside him. “Was that okay?” he asked.

In response, Ryan kissed him.

For a long time they lay face to face. Ryan stroked Jacky’s hair and face and Jacky ran his fingers along Ryan’s back. It tickled, but Ryan endured it because at this moment what he felt for Jacky made his chest hurt.

“Where did you learn how to do that?” Ryan asked, after they had both decided they should get their clothes back on and head downstairs to await the return of Jacky’s mom.

Red-faced, Jacky muttered, “Cosmo.”

“What?”

A sigh. “The magazine. Cosmo.”

Ryan seemed to remember Monica reading that magazine. “Girls’ magazines tell you how to give blow jobs?” he exclaimed.

Jacky smirked.

When Mrs. Jennings came home, Jacky and Ryan were on the couch, eating leftover lasagna and freshly made garlic bread and watching “Elf.” It was towards the end of the movie, and then Mrs. Jennings wanted to watch her favorite Christmas movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” By the end they were all crying, for different reasons, but it felt good to get it out, and besides, Ryan wouldn’t be alone tonight. That was something.