Chapter 22

Andrew arrived in the waiting room a little late. Stupidly, he had spent most of his time after school thinking about changing his clothes, because he had spilled something on his t-shirt in chemistry and it smelled funny. That made him think about Ryan and wanting to wear something nice. All he had were t-shirts. They were easier to put on than a long sleeve shirt, but it was chilly outside so he thought maybe he could wear one of the thermal shirts his mom had bought him at the end of last year. A gray one. But then he ended up putting his sweatshirt on over it, so it didn’t even matter.

Then he started fussing around with his hair.

At the end of English class, Ryan had stopped him with the lightest of touches on his arm. “Hey,” Ryan had said.

Andrew had waited, then finally said, “Yeah?” It might have come out a little sharp. He was kind of annoyed that Ryan hadn’t even looked him once during lunch. Like, would a little eye contact kill him? It certainly wasn’t going to make all his friends suddenly aware that he was gay.

“Uh, you wanna work on the project tonight again?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah,” Andrew said quickly. So quickly he wanted to smack himself for being so obvious. “My house again? After…?”

“Yeah,” said Ryan, and then Ryan had turned and walked away. Monica, with her stinky cheese face, watched the whole time. Ugh.

Anyway, it meant that he was late getting to therapy and now, as he sat down – one seat closer than usual – he saw that Ryan looked nervous. Really nervous. Rubbing his palms on his knees. Glancing at the clock. Looking at Andrew and smiling then not smiling and looking away.

“Hey,” Andrew said. Then, because something seemed to be up, he added, “What’s up?”

“Uh. Um.” Ryan’s knee bounced. “I, uh, have something I want to tell you.”

Oh shit. Andrew steeled himself. Tuesday night had been too good to be true, then. He’d been too forward and scared Ryan off. That would explain Ryan’s behavior in the cafeteria. Maybe, after thinking about it, Ryan had realized that it wouldn’t be so awesome to be dating the kid with one arm. Andrew ground his teeth together and waited for Ryan to spit it out.

“I, uh. I… Jacky, I–“

“Ryan? I’m ready for you,” said Dr. Burns, strolling into the waiting room.

Ryan jumped up. “Yes, sir.” Then, with a panicked and somewhat relieved look, he said to Andrew, “Um, I’ll tell you after.”

“Sure,” said Andrew.

When Ryan was gone he let himself deflate. Tonight was going to suck if Ryan straight up told him he didn’t feel the same way.

Dr. Greene called him in a minute later. Andrew dragged himself in and flung himself into the chair. After a moment of silence, she said, “You look like you have something on your mind.”

“No,” Andrew said.

“Okay, then, perhaps today we can have that long-awaited discussion of the eulogy you wrote.”

Andrew frowned, and chewed on the inside of his cheek while Dr. Greene pulled out some familiar-looking papers. “I guess… I have something…”

Dr. Greene raised an eyebrow.

“Kind of related to what we talked about last time.”

“Let’s hear it.”

“Okay… well, I like this kid at school. And I think he likes me. Or I thought he did. I don’t know. I can’t tell.” He scraped at something on his jeans. Gross, was that mustard? When was the last time he ate something with mustard?

“Have you told this boy how you feel?”

“Not really.”

“Why not?”

He heaved a sigh. “He’s, like, really popular at school. I just don’t know what he would see in me. Never mind—” He gestured toward the empty space where his left arm should be.

“What do you see in him?”

That wasn’t a question he expected. Dr. Greene had a way of doing that. “I don’t know. I mean, he’s attractive. That’s not really why I like him. I guess… at first I thought he was one way but he’s really nice and kind of awkward and…” He shrugged instead of saying what he wanted to say: that he just wanted to give Ryan a big hug. 

Ryan only had to wait a little bit for Jacky to come out of Dr. Greene’s office. He waited in the hallway, though, so the receptionist wouldn’t think he was weird. “Hi, Jacky,” he said as soon as Jacky walked out.

Jacky jumped, and Ryan started apologizing. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just waiting for you. Do you want to come over to my house right now to work on the project? We could stop at your house and get your markers. I have colored pencils if you want to use those. We can walk together?”

A long moment passed as they waited for the elevator and Jacky stared at him. “Uh, yeah. Okay. Let me text my mom.”

In the elevator, Ryan rocked back and forth on his feet while Jacky focused on his phone. Then Jacky put his phone away and ran his hand through his hair. “My mom said she made a lasagna for you. She said if we stop by we can pick it up and eat that tonight.”

“Sounds good.” Ryan hoped it tasted better than most of the other food the people from church brought by. Not that he could really taste anything most of the time anyway. He swallowed, and stared at the digital number counting down to the ground floor. He didn’t want to tell Jacky in the elevator.

Outside, Jacky unlocked his bike while Ryan stood nearby. “You want a ride?” Jacky asked.

“Can we just… walk?” Ryan felt stupid for asking.

“Okay.” Jacky gave him a sidelong glance, and Ryan had to look away and take a deep breath. Why was this so hard?

He ran over the words in his head. It seemed so simple, so just say it, but for some reason he couldn’t make his mouth work. Walking helped a little. Until Jacky said, “So, you said you had something to tell me. Was that it? About going over your house after therapy?”

“Uh, no. There’s something else. I…” Ryan stopped, and then Jacky stopped and looked back at him.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. Jacky,” Ryan took a deep breath. “Jacky, I like you.”

Cars passed them while they stood on the sidewalk. A lot of cars. There was the rush of wind as they raced by and that roaring in his ears and Jacky staring at him, but he didn’t look mad, so that was good right? Jacky’s face was frozen in an expression that could quickly turn into his usual frown.

So slowly, Ryan almost didn’t catch it, Jacky’s lips softened into a ghost of a smile, and his eyes crinkled up a bit. There were two bright spots of red on Jacky’s cheeks that might be from the October chill.

Jacky looked down at the pavement. “I like you, too,” he said, and he was grinning.