Chapter 20

Ryan froze, shocked at the words that he had just uttered. He couldn’t believe he’d said it. He held his breath, hoping Jacky wouldn’t kick him out or anything.

Instead of the anger Ryan expected, Jacky instead broke into a smile. “There. See? You can be mean sometimes,” he said, like he was proud of Ryan.

Burying his face in his hands, he moaned, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“Stop, you’re ruining it.” Jacky grinned and bumped his shoulder up against Ryan’s.

Both of them froze.

A million thoughts crowded into Ryan’s head. Did Jacky like him? Was it like what they told girls, that if a boy pulled her hair he liked her? No, Jacky was mean to everyone. But Ryan had never seen Jacky smile. Was he reading too much into this? He was too hot. Jacky’s knee was still touching his, and his elbow. He couldn’t breathe.

Jacky’s smile had faded away and he cleared his throat. “Sorry, was that too gay for you?” Jacky’s lips twisted into a sneer as he made to move over.

“No,” Ryan said, and Jacky stopped. Looked back over at Ryan.

“No?”

“Jacky, I’m–” Ryan had to force the words out. “Gay.”

“Oh,” Jacky said. No trace of sarcasm. “I didn’t know that.”

“No one does.” His chest felt tight. “Did. Until now.”

“I’m the first person you ever came out to?” Jacky sounded incredulous.

Ryan could only nod.

“Well… why…” Jacky shook his head. “Aren’t you friends with Tyler Gomez? Why didn’t you come out to him?”

“I’m not that close to him.” It was as good an answer as any. “I don’t know. It’s stupid, to keep it a secret.”

“You know Monica’s, like, in love with you, right? Why… I mean, God, Ryan. What about your buddy Lance?”

Ryan just shook his head.

“Well, shit.” Jacky stared at the television, shoulders a bit slumped. Ryan was thankful it wasn’t the tent scene. He’d never told anyone, not even his mom, but he’d watched Brokeback Mountain back when he first thought he was gay, found a bootleg copy on the internet somewhere. He wondered if Jacky had put this movie on as some kind of signal. “I mean, thanks.”

“Thanks?” Ryan asked, surprised.

“Yeah. I mean, it’s a scary thing to come out. I guess I didn’t realize you trusted me that much.”

Now the enormity of what he’d just done crashed down around him. “Oh.” He hadn’t thought about trust. He only knew that he liked Jacky and wanted Jacky to know he was gay. Not that he was ready to come out or anything, or what would happen if Jacky got mean and decided to throw that in his face, or tell someone at school. “Oh.”

“So, um, I guess we should get to work, then, huh?” Jacky said, and slid off the couch to kneel on the floor.  

Andrew picked up a blue marker and decided he could color the sky parts in, at least, without ruining anything. The shock of the whole thing had thrown him off. Why would Ryan tell him something like that? A hot ball burned inside his chest. Ryan liked him. It would explain a lot.

Beside him, Ryan bent over his penciled drawings and started going over the lines with a Sharpie.

After all that, they worked in silence for a while. They had a lot to think about.

Andrew couldn’t help but get a little bit sucked into the movie, and he noticed Ryan doing the same. He also noticed Ryan’s intense focus when he was drawing. So intense, the big guy probably didn’t even notice how his tongue was poking out of his mouth. It was adorable.

When he had finished two full pages of coloring, he got up. That was a process, because one of his legs had fallen asleep, and he leaned back on the couch so he didn’t bump the table and mess Ryan up – which didn’t end up mattering, because Ryan noticed and stopped drawing and reached out a hand to push Andrew upright. “Heh, thanks,” Andrew said. He sounded about as awkward as his mom did earlier. He shook his leg so that pins and needles crawled up it. “Uh, you want a snack?”

“Sure,” Ryan said.

“Popcorn good?”

“Yeah, that sounds great.” Ryan smiled at him, and Andrew found himself blushing. Oh god. He hurried into the kitchen just to get away.

Waiting for the bag to pop gave him a chance to calm down. What was he doing? Ryan couldn’t like him. Not that way. It was impossible. Here Andrew could barely look at himself in a mirror; he didn’t know how Ryan could look at him and like what he saw. Yet somehow it felt obvious, both in the way his body was reacting and the way Ryan was sneaking glances at him exactly like Andrew was sneaking glances at Ryan, how Ryan knew he was gay and had just come out to him, how both of them noticed every small time their bodies touched…

He rubbed his face, and got out two glasses. His mother had sworn off soda a long time ago, so all they had was water and some green juice that actually tasted pretty good, but Andrew wasn’t going to serve Ryan some weird green juice. Water with lemon. He brought out a glass for Ryan and set it down away from the papers.

“Thanks,” Ryan said with a big smile. Andrew smiled back a little; he couldn’t help it. But then he ducked his head and went back to the kitchen for his own glass and the popcorn, which he dumped into a bowl and carried in the crook of his elbow so he could carry his glass at the same time.

“Do you need help?” Ryan asked, jumping up. “I’m sorry, I should have thought–“

“I’m fine.” Andrew carefully squatted a little to put down the bowl before standing up and setting his glass down.

He was going to make a move, he decided, watching Ryan sit back down. He’d find out if Ryan was interested in him. Probably he’d scare Ryan off, but it was better to know. To have a definitive answer.

So when he sat down, he sat so close to Ryan they were touching. The length of their thighs, and their upper arms. Ryan started a little, but he just blushed and gave Andrew a nervous smile as Andrew took the bowl of popcorn and settled back into the couch. Looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at him. Still smiling.

Then Ryan pushed back, and now they were both sitting side by side on the couch, and Ryan’s hand was reaching into the popcorn bowl that was on Andrew’s lap, and Andrew realized it was a good thing he had the bowl in his lap because damn.

Ryan liked him that way.