Chapter 15

JUDE

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By the time I was done with those laps, I wished I was dead.

Or rather, I wished I was on a private beach in Malaysia, sipping on some pineapple martini with those fancy tiny umbrellas and not in a track course about to die in exhaustion.

Maybe in an alternate life.

I couldn’t believe Coach caught me. After all that sneaking around and Ruan covering for me…Damn you Liam. I hope when you die, you suffer through the seven rings of Hell. Or Purgatory. Or whatever the fuck lies beyond this stupid life.

I flopped over on the ground after my last lap, absolutely exhausted. I could feel sheens of sweat in every crevice in my body. And I mean every crevice.

I turned over on my back, my hand pressed on my forehead. My breath was coming out in rapid bursts though still not as rapid as when…

No don’t think about that, I shut my eyes, the reason you even thought about coming to practice was because you wanted a goddamn distraction.

Ruan was on water break. He’d gone on ten laps but looked as burnt out as I did.

Wimp, I smirked.

The sun’s rays peeked over some clouds, creating a brilliant artwork of pink and orange. It looked like an entrance to heaven. Maybe he was looking down on me as we speak.

I could feel my mood plummeting almost instantly. The burst of serotonin emerging from the sun’s rays seemed to fade away, replaced by a hollowness that I had been trying to avoid. Nothing mattered anymore.

As I looked at the clouds, a memory darted through my mind: him showing a five year old me how to colour. I was painting a sunset and I had used green as the main ingredient. He came over, peeked at my drawing and let out the heartiest of chuckles before ruffling my hair.

“I’ve never seen a green sunset before,” he said.

“They do exist,” I muttered eagerly. “I saw it on Tv.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. And even if they didn’t. I’ll be the first to create one.”

He laughed before taking me in his arms. “No doubt you would, my little runner.”

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?”
Ruan’s voice cut through the memory like refined glass.

I sat up, not wanting to meet his eyes but from his face, I knew he could see pools of sadness in my eyes. “His birthday is in two weeks. He would have…” I took a deep breath, “he would have turned 52…”

Ruan’s brow furrowed. These were one of the few times I could see no glint of humour or mischief in his eyes. He plopped himself next to me and I questioned the fact that we were in the middle of the trackcourse, but Coach didn’t seem to mind. Everyone was on break anyway.

“You know,” Ruan started, “When my abuelo died, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and the world had just ended.”

A part of me restrained myself from rolling my eyes because I was waiting for the part he would say its okay. Things get better. Yada yada yada. Like everyone else. We’ve never really had this conversation in full detail but Ruan knew me enough to know I lost my dad when I was twelve. I didn’t need his pity though. I’d gotten enough of it.

Another part of me, nonetheless, was completely bewildered. Ruan rarely talked about his Abuelo. When he died, we hadn’t met yet but his parents always spoke about how close they were. The fact that he was volunteering something openly like this…

I finally made an attempt to meet his eyes but now his were on the ground, his mind clearly miles from here. “I don’t think the pain ever goes way.”

Definitely, I thought.

Ruan began drawing imaginary figures with his finger. “I miss his chilaquiles. They were the bees knees.”

“Oh I bet,” I injected a bit of enthusiasm in my voice, encouraging him to talk. I wasn’t used to this vulnerable side of him and I wanted to see more of it. “I haven’t um eaten chilaqu-” I searched for the right pronunciation but I gave up. “That but I know it tastes good. Especially your grandpa’s.”

“Yeah,” he said, his gaze still on the ground. “I would give anything to eat them again.”

“I understand. I would do anything to hear my dad call me his little runner.”
I laughed dryly. “Look at me, a 19 year old crying for his daddy.”

Ruan’s finger didn’t stop tracing itself on the ground though a deep frown marred his face. “There’s nothing bad about missing your dad. Never mistake pain for embarrasment. It’s part of the human experience.”

“Then how do you make it go away?” I fiddled with a stray strand on my gym shorts. “I hate feeling this way. Every morning, I have to wake up with the fact that each day, my dad’s face is fading from memory. That I’ll never see him again. How do you handle it?”

“My pain of losing Abuelo has never gone away. I don’t think it will ever will…But…”

A deep gap of silence invaded the air between us.

“But…”

Ruan stopped drawing his figure and suddenly smiled and clapped my shoulder. “…it gets easier to deal with it.”

Gee thanks, I thought, It’s not like I’ve not heard that a million times. Then why is it still hard to deal with it? This is why I despised these conversations. A bunch of rotating circles leading to nowhere.

Apparently he didn’t sense my thoughts as he turned, still smiling and stared at the sky, like his job was done.

I sighed, licking my lips. For some reason, me doing that took me back to the bathroom stall, Oliver underneath me, squirming as he tried to put some distance between us. Was it my imagination or could I feel my pants getting tighter?

“Have you ever questioned your sexuality?” I whispered.

Ruan’s smile disappeared, replaced by a look of incredulity. “What?”

“Your sexuality,” I swallowed. “You know, liking girls and shit.”

Ruan burst into a heap of laughter. “Where is this coming from, Amigo?”

“Uh…just curious.” Crap. Crap. Crap. Nice response, Jude.

Ruan raised an eyebrow which immediately made my heart jump. My fingers skittered over the ground, full of nervous energy.

Does he suspect anything? Maybe he does…

I shouldn’t have asked. Damn it. Maybe he was in the other bathroom stalls during that time. He overheard everything.

But that doesn’t make sense. He was here covering for me for an hour.

Or maybe he was there to relieve himself. And he overheard everything.

Dumbass. There are bathrooms in the Changing rooms.

“Hmm,” He leaned back in thought.

“Yeah?” I coughed, trying to purge any anxiety from my voice. Crap. He’ll know if my voice shakes.

Ruan crossed his legs. “When I was 16, I kissed a guy.”

“You did?” I said, not bothering to hide my shock.

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “Jerome.”

“Jerome. Jerome as in Jerome from Math Class? I-I…”

I thought about the number of times I’d seen Ruan and the guy hanging out in Highschool and it was definitely a lot. Aside from me, Ruan talked a lot to Jerome. Until they suddenly didn’t. I’d always wondered what happened between them but now…

I doubled over, trying to hide my smile. Ain’t no way.

“Don’t even,” Ruan slapped me on my arm. “It was…unreal. Weird. Awkward. You name it. I was tutoring the guy for a while and I thought things between us were getting heated so one day, in the school library, all alone by the way, he dropped a pen between my pants and…”

His voice faded, his face beetroot red against the glare of the sun.

“Lemme guess,” I smirked at him, “He kissed you. Then you were all over him making out for two hours.” I made kissy noises at him, turning his face even more crimson.

“It was only for twenty minutes,” Ruan defended, “Or thirty. I don’t know. Something along those lines. Look the point is that’s when I knew I didn’t like guys.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I didn’t vibe with the knowledge I was making out with a dude. It felt…I don’t know if repulsing is the right word but it didn’t feel right.”

“But you made out for thirty minutes,” I said, confused. “I would think you enjoyed it.”

“Jerome did,” He sighed, rubbing a palm his face. By this time, the sun was starting to set. “I thought I would enjoy it but I continued making out because it felt like an obligation. I didn’t want to hurt Jerome’s feelings.”

“But you did.”

“Yep. I told him later that I didn’t want to go through with this.” He sighed, “Well let’s just say that wasn’t a treat as sweet as Très leches Cakes. He completely avoided me,claiming that I led him on, calling me a gaslighter before going no contact and blocking me everywhere.”

“Damn,” I said like an idiot though a part of me wondered how that could happen between me and Oliver. Probably not since we’re not friends to begin with. Plus I wasn’t planning on kissing him…was I?

I thought about how many times I imagined his face on everyone lately. I remembered how much his lips seemed to pull me towards him in the bathroom stall against my will. Like a damn mindcontrolling vampire. And it happened ever since that dumb dare. And a part of me seemed to want it more…

I groaned in frustration. What is happening? Maybe I needed to kiss him like Ruan so I couldn’t feel this way. So I knew I liked girls. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

Maybe this was juju or a curse because technically, Oliver and I had not kissed that night. We had to kiss to complete that dare and now it was haunting me. Was he suffering like me too?

Ruan didn’t seem to notice my internal conflict. He stood and checked the sun as it peeked through the horizon, casting a deep orange hue. “It’s getting late. I need to go pick up my brothers from school. See you when I see you, Amigo.”

He turned and left, leaving me staring at the sky until it turned black,splashed by a dozen gleaming crystals.

Author’s note:

Someone’s questioning their sexuality👀