Chapter 16

“Hi, Cody.”

Both Andrew and Cody looked up from their respective lunches to see a brunette in a lavender sweater set and matching headband smiling at them. At Cody, specifically. Andrew shifted his gaze to take in Cody’s face. His friend refused to make eye contact with the girl.

“Hi, Haylee,” Cody grumbled.

“Hey,” Andrew said, turning his attention back to the girl, who looked like a freshman.

“So, Cody.” Haylee leaned against the table, arching her back. “Are you working today?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll probably stop by, then. Are you going to the game on Friday?”

At Cody’s grunted non-answer, Haylee pouted her lips a little. “I’ll be there, if you want to go. My dad could come pick you up.”

Cody cleared his throat. “I’m good.”

Undeterred, Haylee flipped her hair over her shoulder. “I’m one of the majorettes,” she informed Andrew, who up till now she had completely ignored.

“That’s cool,” Andrew said. He couldn’t help but smile at Cody and kick him a little under the table. Cody frowned and responded by smashing a fist into Andrew’s knee. “Ow – hey, you can have lunch with us if you want.” He gestured toward the six empty chairs around their table. “Plenty of room.”

Now Haylee looked at Cody. “I would, but I already ate. See you later.” She wiggled her fingers and walked off.

“What was that?” Andrew asked.

“Nothing,” Cody said.

“Nothing? Cody, that girl wants you.”

“Nah. She’s just some stupid freshman who comes into Subway all the time.”

“Cody. Cody. That girl likes you. Likes likes you.”

“It’s just Haylee, dude. She’s all right but she’s, like, annoying. Like my annoying little sister.”

“You don’t have a little sister.” As soon as Andrew said this, he thought of Rebecca and how he didn’t have an annoying little sister anymore, either.

“It’s called a simile, man, geez. She’s a kid. I’m not a pedo.”

Andrew let the subject drop like a dead weight. He shoved a carrot stick in his mouth as an excuse not to speak and it tasted like ash. Already he could feel the familiar pressure behind his eyes and after a shaky breath, he flipped up his hood and put his head down on the table in the crook of his arm.

“Nap time?” Cody asked.

Andrew grunted something. Sometimes, it was nice that he and his best friend didn’t need to communicate in words. If he cried quietly enough, everyone would just think he was sleeping.

“Hi,” Ryan said to Jacky when Jacky shuffled into English class. His eyes were red. Pot, probably, Ryan figured. Once again he wondered if Jacky could get him some.

Jacky didn’t say hi back. Just looked at Ryan as he walked by. Ryan had expected to see bloodshot, tired eyes – instead Jacky had those same intense blue eyes Ryan had noticed yesterday, hot and angry. Wasn’t pot supposed to make you mellow and happy?

Ryan felt stupid for even saying hi. So what if Jacky had given him a ride? He probably just felt sorry for Ryan, like everyone else who knew about his mom. It had probably been Mrs. Jennings’s whole idea to give Ryan a ride to Monica’s, and Jacky was just doing whatever his mom told him to.

A burn crept up the back of his neck as he remembered his panic attack and how he’d ended up with his face on Jacky’s chest. He’d thought about that moment last night. All night. He had tried to imagine his pillowcase as Jacky’s sweatshirt, and then…

But there was no way Jacky could know that. So stupid, to think that moment had meant anything. Jacky probably thought he was a freak. Like Jacky would ever have a panic attack.

Then again, Jacky had also saved him from Mrs. Ross.

No, it was stupid. He was stupid. He buried his face in his hands and rubbed at his eyes. Stupid for thinking Jacky might actually like him as a person.

“Hey Ryan. Are you okay?” Monica’s hand on his shoulder.

“I’m fine,” he said, lifting his head and slipping on that practiced smile.

“So, I didn’t get a chance to ask you on Sunday… did you still want to do Bonnie and Clyde with me? I asked around and Peyton has a fedora you can borrow.”

Alex’s party again. Ryan took a deep breath. “Sure. It’s Friday night?”

Monica gave him a look. “No, it’s Saturday night. Friday night we have a game. Remember?”

“Oh, yeah,” he said.

Leaning in, she whispered, “Are you okay? Like, really okay?”

“Yes,” he said wearily. “I’m just tired.”

She rubbed his back. “Maybe you just need to relax.”

“Kinda hard to do, when I have practice every day this week.”

“You know what I could do?” Monica whispered, because the bell was about to ring and Mr. Dugan had started writing on the board. “After practice today? I could come over your house. Give you a massage.”

Oh, god, that was the last thing he wanted. He felt all his muscles clench up a little bit and hoped she couldn’t feel that. “Uh, I gotta do my homework.”

“Yeah, me too. But wouldn’t that feel nice? To have a massage before we study?”

Ryan swallowed and looked up at Mr. Dugan, willing his teacher to start class early. “I don’t know.” A massage would feel nice. Maybe if someone else were giving it. Like if Alex would come over and straddle his back and rub his muscles… Or Jacky…

Jacky? Ryan rubbed his face again and shrugged his shoulders. The guy only had one arm, it wouldn’t exactly be fair to ask Jacky to do that. Geez, like Jacky would do that. He needed to get his head out of Jacky’s sweatshirt and think realistically. Jacky didn’t like him like that. He had dealt with Ryan’s panic attack without making fun of him. And given him a ride home on his bike. That was it. Jacky didn’t like Ryan. Not really. And definitely not in that way. Jacky didn’t even know Ryan was gay.

The bell rang. Thank god.

Monica moved away. “We’ll talk later,” she whispered.

Throughout class, Ryan felt Jacky’s presence behind him. He wished he could turn around and see if Jacky was looking at him. It felt like Jacky’s eyes were boring holes in the back of his neck. Ryan’s body felt hot, his jeans so tight even when he shifted his weight, making the chair creak.

The last time he had felt like this was in eighth grade, when he had realized he had a crush on Alex Harrison.

They used to sit next to each other at lunch all the time. Joked around, like guys do. Then Ryan had a wet dream. About Alex. Alex looking at him at lunch, and smiling, and putting his hand on Ryan’s leg under the table. Because it was a dream, everyone else kind of faded away, and then they were actually sitting up on the bleachers at the high school football field, all alone, and Alex asked if he could put his hand down Ryan’s pants. Dream Alex had barely gotten Ryan’s pants unbuttoned before Ryan woke up from the dream with a start, the front of his boxer shorts and stomach wet.

After that dream, Ryan had barely been able to look at Alex. He was afraid that if Alex smiled at him, he’d pop a boner, and then everyone would think Ryan was gay. Over the next couple of months, Ryan came to realize that he was gay. It took about that long to figure out how to act normal around Alex. To not constantly blush and get flustered and feel self-conscious about every move he made, sure that Alex would see and think Ryan was a nerd.

Even as Ryan took notes on the class discussion, he began to realize, uncomfortably, that he now felt the same way about Jacky.

Andrew spent most of class staring out the window at the brown leaves drifting down from the mostly empty branches. He needed to think of something else besides how this time of year made him feel. Something else besides those leaves piling up around a cold granite gravestone.

Maybe he should go to Subway after school and hang out there for a while. He could do his homework, and he wouldn’t be alone like he would be at home. Cody would be there. And that girl Haylee. Maybe he could find out if Haylee really did like Cody. For some reason, he thought Haylee and Cody would be a cute couple. Haylee looked like such a prep, and Cody was such a stoner.

If only Cody wasn’t so hung up on Nina.

Did the football guys hang out there every afternoon? They couldn’t, they had to have football practice sometime, right? Probably right after school. Yeah, because Ryan’s therapy appointment must be after football practice. He’d have time to walk there after practice and get there for four o’clock. So practice probably went for, like, an hour after school. That was something, anyway. He could kill an hour at Subway before going home.

He had only just tuned back in to the class discussion when Andrew saw Ryan turn in his seat slightly, like he was trying to look at something out the window. He squinted, then looked right at Andrew. And immediately turned forward and looked down at his notebook.

Andrew watched Ryan for a minute, watched the big guy squirm a little in his seat. Watched Monica glance over just for a second.

Why did he get the feeling Ryan had turned around only to look at him? Did he have something stuck in his teeth? He ran his tongue over them, felt nothing. Maybe his eyes were still red from lunch. He rubbed them, knowing that would only make it worse.

When the bell rang, Ryan left the room like a shot, with Monica trailing after him like a lost puppy.

Oh well. Whatever.