Chapter 45

OLIVER

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I sat on my bed, looking outside the window, my thoughts a million miles away. My arms threaded around my torso in a tight grip, my head lolling against my window frame almost lazily.
Outside, a squirrel chased its other companion over the fence, appearing to be fighting over a fallen almond but my eyes slipped through them as if they were transparent glass.

Instead, I could only see Liam and his friend, their conversation with Jude playing out over and over like a broken record.

Some dude named Oliver

Apparently, he’s been doing that to a lot of athletes

We’ve been looking for that piece of shit

When we catch him… he’ll learn to keep his little fairy hands –

I shut my eyes with an almost painful force. Stinging needles threatened to puncture them before I forced myself to stay still.

I won’t cry. I won’t. They won’t make me cry.

My hands inched towards my phone. I contemplated calling Rick and Casey before I remembered we weren’t on good terms.

Regardless, I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my contacts. Their names immediately popped up. Despite us being estranged at the moment, I couldn’t ignore feeling the first sign of warmth since my encounter with Liam.

Then my eyes landed on Jude’s contact and the warmth got jumbled with an unknown emotion.

He’d probably resolved not to talk to me again after what happened. Even though he was there with me and Lionel at that time, even though I knew he didn’t believe the rumour, it was like my mind convinced me that he did. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he wouldn’t want to associate with me now.

And he also had a lot on his plate with his training. Why would he waste his time with problems like mine? It wasn’t like we’ve been friends for a long time.

Despite this, my fingers glided over the call button briefly, almost pressing it…

I retracted my arm, the void of loneliness growing bigger.

I turned back to my window, catching a glimpse of the dying sunlight casting a beautiful hue across the sky. I clamped down my indignation. Why did the world get to showcase its vibrancy while I continued falling?

I hated it.

I slumped back, turning my back against the window before curling within myself, my eyes hooded with a delressing weight.

No one will believe me. I’m a nobody in school. Who will take my word over a famous sportsman? Maybe they should just beat me and be done with me and I should get expelled and –

The doorbell rang.

I didn’t hear it the first time. I could barely hear anything over the boiling river of thoughts and self-deprecation.

When it rang for what felt like the thirteenth time, I sat upright. My mom had her own keys so she could open the door without any issue. Why was she ringing the doorbell? Had she forgotten them?

I searched for the feeling of irritation but all I felt was the same hollowness that threatened to drown me. I got out of bed and made my way downstairs, feeling like a giant magnet was pulling at my feet with each step.

I reached the door and my arms went limp. For a moment, I saw nothing but Lionel grabbing at me in the washroom, saw nothing but Liam saying the word ‘gay’ with unmistakable disgust.

I blinked, took a deep breath and opened the door. “Sorry mom,” I mumbled, “I was asleep – “

I stepped back. “Jude?”

There he was, standing in all his handsome glory, his posture tense. He seemed to have changed into a fresh jungle green T-shirt and straight fit jeans. A bag was slung over his back. As soon as his eyes landed on me, his shoulders visibly sagged.

I waited within the span of a breath before asking, “What are you doing here?”

“I said I’d stop by after training,” he stated, his brows furrowing.

Oh. So he didn’t lie when he promised that…

Now that he was actually here, I didn’t know how to feel about it. It was like the earlier need of his presence – or Casey and Rick’s for that matter – had begun to trickle away rapidly.

He gave me a quick once over, his eyes stopping at my face before widening a bit. I must have looked like a wreck with baggy, red eyes and a possibly swollen nose with how puffy I was feeling.

His frown deepened with concern. I could tell he wanted to ask me how I was but then he said quietly, “Not everyone knows.”

I gave him a tired look. “You mean about the rumor?”

He nodded. “I asked one of the guys who came up to us on how all this happened Said it started with the soccer team…” his tone caught a bit of aggression. “I dug around a bit more but only the soccer, football and a bit of track athletes know. It hasn’t leaked outside of us sportsmen.”

I know it was supposed to be good news but the tiredness and weight pressing on me didn’t leave. “It was him.”

“I know,” Jude replied, the aggression still not leaving his voice.

“I hate him,” I admitted, my tone brittle.

The furious expression on his face faded at the sound of my voice, his jaw slacking. I must have sounded more miserable than I thought because he looked at me with sad eyes.

“Is there… is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” He asked after a moment, his tone unsure.

I wanted a hug from him more than anything. I wanted to feel his arms snake around me. I wanted to lay my head on his firm chest like that day in the field.

But what kept flashing in my head was the look he gave me after I hugged him, like I’d invaded a personal boundary.

I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself, choosing to stare at the ground. “I’m scared, Jude. What will happen when I go back to school? What about the sports mentorship program? I’ll be interacting with a lot of sportsmen as I train. What if they… beat me or something?”

“No one’s going to.”

“How do you know that?”

“I just… I’ll make sure to clear the air regarding those rumors with anyone I talk to. I was there when it all happened.”

I prayed he wouldn’t sense how unconvinced I was.

“And if anyone tries anything with you, tell me.”

I looked up at that. His voice had gone pretty hard and when I met his face, his gaze was as serious as his tone.

The sight of it made me wrap my arms tighter around me. Jude’s eyes softened at my actions almost in an instant which took my breath away. I tried to wrap my head around how much his expressions were so flexible today but I feared my brain would spazz out.

He took a step closer to me almost subconsciously and my skin tingled. I took a step back.

Jude’s nose scrunched. He clenched his fists. “Why do you keep doing that?” He gritted out in a low voice.

I couldn’t meet his eyes. “I…”

“Does it have something to do with what I did at the club?”

My brain struggled to come up with a sophisticated lie before failing miserably. “No…”

“Then what’s up?” He asked, sounding almost desperate.

“I…” I shook my head. “It’s not… What happened in the club wasn’t that serious.”

When Jude didn’t say anything, I continued. “I mean… you only suffocated me in a hug and you sniffed my neck like a baby koala.” I paused, recalling those events with a mix of amusement and can of worms swirling in my stomach before shrugging. He’d almost kissed me again but he didn’t need to know that.

Jude’s entire body went rigid. “I did what?”

My mouth must have been running faster than my brain because when it did catch up to that reckless word dumper, I was already reeling from the after effects of what I’d just said.

Oh my gosh. I just told him. I just told him about what actually happened.

Jude’s face was gaunt. His eyes looked unfocused. His arms shook in slight, fluctuating trembles.

After a moment, he spoke, his voice shaking. “Did I… Did I touch you anywhere else?”

“No – “

“Are you sure?”

I sucked in a breath. “Calm down.”

“I was drunk as fuck,” he muttered in a rapid, ghostly tone, seemingly not hearing what I was saying. “I didn’t know what I was doing. That’s it. I didn’t know what I was doing.”

I was rooted at the ground, feeling as if I were witnessing a tragic accident unfold. “Jude stop. It’s okay. You’re making me nervous right now.”

“But I fucking touched you when I was drunk…” the words tore out of him in a terrified whisper. “I… Shit.” He clutched his hair so tightly I thought it would come off his scalp. “Shit. Shit shit shit.”

He dropped his arms and met my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Jude – “

“For all that it’s worth I’m sorry,” he admitted.

It was like I couldn’t breathe. I never knew emotional whiplash was a thing until that moment. My body remained frozen.

“I’ll understand if you…” he took a shaky breath. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to be near me.”

He took a step back. The new distance seemed to eat at me now with new discomfort. My arms felt colder even though I knew that shouldn’t have been possible. He’d just moved a feet away or so.

What was going on?

I took a breath, forcing my thoughts into order. My heart felt wide open with how much rawness I poured in my voice. “It’s okay. Honestly, other than feeling uncomfortable at being crushed like jell-o – you’re so strong by the way – it… it wasn’t the worst thing ever.”

Jude frowned at my words, going silent for a moment. “What do you mean? You… obviously didn’t want to get hugged then.” He finished with a grimace, looking as if he was trying to swallow a rat.

“It’s just… When you did that, it wasn’t like when I was with Lionel at that bathroom. It felt…different.”

“Different…” he echoed.

I let out an exasperated sound. “It’s complicated.”

A drawn-out silence reared its ugly head between us. Despite all of this, I was finding Jude’s confused expression the cutest thing ever. He really did have the most expressive eyes with how much more dilated his pupils looked.

“But that’s not the main point,” I said quickly. “That isn’t why I’ve been… putting distance between us.”

I didn’t think it was possible for Jude’s confused frown to deepen but it did. “Then what is?”

That I hugged you and you didn’t like it and basically it’s like I was the weird person with no boundaries.

There was absolutely no way I was telling him that and as I pondered over the reason I realised that it sounded so ludicrous.

But I was scared. Scared that he did find me weird for doing that.

So scared that I asked him about the worst thing possible.

“Did you find your dad’s body?”

His face reflected the whiplash that I felt from asking that abrupt question. His mouth opened and closed several times before his face immediately shut down.

Guilt stung my throat from asking him about such a sensitive question but I had to do it. I had to redirect this conversation to something else.

He cast his gaze to the ground, the air around us pressing down with the weight of unsaid melancholy.

I bit my cheek. I really shouldn’t have asked him that.

Before the silence could calcify into something unbreakable, I turned the conversation around. “How was training?” I asked hesitantly.

Jude looked completely done with this conversation but he surprised me by answering, “It went well. Ruan said I’m improving.”

“And your coach?”

“Him too,” he said with a sigh. “My dad would be so disappointed in me though. He liked running more than anything.”

He paused before choosing to stare at the ground. His voice had taken an almost joyful air that made me not speak. It hit me that I rarely heard him talk about his dad in such a lighthearted manner. He was opening himself in a way that had me hooked onto his every word.

“He… he used to say that he would have ran for months, every minute, every second if he could,” he briefly chuckled, his tone rising with fondness. “If it wasn’t for that bone disease he got… Doctors told him it was genetic. My grandfather had it. It made his knees absolutely dense and heavy by the time he was ten so he couldn’t do anything but walk…” he exhaled a huge breath through his mouth.

He shook his head, his eyes still fixed on the ground and looking glazed with past memories. “Anyway, I wanted to run when he couldn’t. Win the track competitions he never won as a kid… I – I wanted – no – needed to make sure he got every trophy he loved. So I focused on running. And nothing else but running. I trained, enrolled myself in training programs for running and shit. It was exhilarating.”

So that’s why he pushes himself so much, I thought distantly, my head still majorly focused on Jude’s words.

His eyes shone. “I want to win the next championships. And I’m going to. And some day, I’ll win an olympic medal.”

I smiled. “Your dad would be so proud.”

He gave me a soft smile matching mine. But something was bugging me. Jude made it clear like a river during spring that he adored running more than anything else.

Something felt off with that.

“What else do you like?” I asked.

Jude’s smile faltered, making a twinge of pain twist my heart. I hated that it was gone.

“You… you mentioned that you like running so much,” I went on, my pace going slower, becoming unsteadier. “You like it so much you wouldn’t trade it for the world but… what else do you do? What else makes you feel almost as…as happy as running? You know, like watching movies, playing chess or some other board game? Do you think that maybe…”

He glanced at me with the same confused look, willing me to finish my sentence.

“That maybe you only like running because your father does?” I swallowed but I didn’t stop. “What does Judah Adams like? What else other than…”

I trailed off. His body had gone slack with shock. It was like if I pushed him with just one finger, he’d topple down and break into a million pieces of Judes that couldn’t be put together even with the best glue.

I rushed for the words to take back what I had said but it was too late. His eyes glided over me as if he couldn’t see me before turning with a curt, “I’ll see you later” and walking away.

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Happy pride month!

Sad news though is that I’m currently having my final exams for the semester and I won’t update for a week or two.

You can still enjoy this update in the mean time. What did you think about this chapter? About Oliver and Jude’s interaction, especially the last part? Lemme know your thoughts.

See ya💋❤️