Chapter 46

JUDE

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The morning sun was particularly harsh as I sat on my bed glancing outside the window, its rays like miniature drills poring into my face. A part of me hoped it became harsher the more I stared outside, the more I let it scorch my face. Maybe it could reach the point where it would burn away the millions of thoughts rushing through my head…

I closed my eyes, silently counting the minutes passing. My skin buzzed from the heat. My hands tightened into balls of impatience as I slowly waited for my thoughts to slow down.

But it never happened.

I wrenched my head away from my window, my face getting a sudden blast of cold air.

Clenching my jaw, I looked down at myself. I’d woken up thirty minutes ago and I was still wearing what I usually did when I went to bed – a plain old T-shirt and boxers. It was very much unlike me but my bed felt like glue and everytime I tried to move, Oliver’s words would spring in my mind causing my heart to lurch and my hands to shake.

What does Judah Adams like?

It wasn’t like I’d never considered that question. Ruan, Rick and my mom had all asked me several times but I’d never thought about it too much. The question had always been posed to me in a lighthearted manner so I never took it seriously.

Until yesterday when I’d opened up about my joy of running and my father.

Until Oliver asked me that question.

Oliver…

I clutched a handful of my shirt at my chest in a tight grip, my heart beginning to race almost excitedly.

When he’d approached me yesterday, wanting to tell me about his book, my brain had short-circuited. I’d forgotten about everything: my committments to training, dragging Ruan to help me time my sprints, the race next Monday…

All I could think of was how his eyes lit up and how his mouth curled into that glittering smile that made my heart stop whenever he talked about his books. I’d acted so weird that even Ruan noticed and now that I thought about it, I realised how irrational I was becoming when I was around him.

But I’d wanted to see that happy expression on him again. So much so that I planned to ditch training for it yesterday.

Shit. I was becoming a brainless fuck.

And it was scaring the hell out of me.

But the worst part was that it wasn’t just about his books anymore. Now, every time my eyes landed on him, a flare of warmth and fuzziness erupted in my stomach and it felt like the world in front of me was bending to fit only him in its frame.

It was surreal but I also wasn’t used to this feeling. I hadn’t felt like this since highschool when I’d asked Hazel, this girl I had been –

I halted the thought. A nervous ripple almost tore through my chest, like I was at the apex of a rollercoaster ride. I’d been experiencing that any time I thought about what was going on between me and Oliver. And any time my brain tried to put a finger on what I’ve been feeling towards him lately, the vertical drop before the roller coaster I was on deepened as my body told me that the protective restraints I had on weren’t enough.

I was too scared to put a label on my feelings and I couldn’t follow through with the drop.

I couldn’t.

I exhaled deeply, closing my eyes more tightly this time. My mind geared itself back to his smile. Talking to him and listening to him was making everything in my life increasingly better but… I wasn’t sure it was worth making that drop.

And I had bigger things to worry about. The guys at school were talking about him. That awful rumour by Lionel had spread like wildfire but for some reason only contained itself within the sportsmen.

But I wish I would say that that had been ruminating in my head but that wasn’t it. I felt utterly selfish that, instead, it was the fact that I’d touched Oliver when I was drunk and that he’d then proceeded to ask me an identity shifting question.

I just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it when I came home yesterday in a distressed hurry. I couldn’t stop thinking about it when I barely ate dinner. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it when I crashed into my bed. I’d barely slept the entire night.

I took a deep breath and studied my legs. More than anything, I wanted to go out and do what always cleared my head: Running until the wind seared at my cheeks.

Do you think that maybe you only like running because your father does?

A sour taste stung my mouth. I knew without a doubt that that question would begin plaguing me as soon as I stepped into the neighbourhood for a run. The thought of running in general was now a bitter afterthought. I wasn’t even sure I’d go for training today.

But I needed a break from these thoughts.

With effort, I swung my feet to the ground before heading over to my closet and picking the nearest shirt and loose pants. I needed to move no matter how much I now hated the idea of running.

After wearing the clothes, I got out of my room, moving almost sluggishly towards the kitchen. I reached for the door before the smell of something fried made me hesitate. I swung it open…and I stopped in my tracks.

Rick’s eyes landed on me as soon as I swung the door open. He stood across the room with an apple in his hand, a huge chunk ripped from it. His chewing stopped abruptly.

For a moment, none of us moved. The air felt tight with tension. Both of us had taken so much care into avoiding any encounters with each other – unconsciously memorising each other’s schedule so we wouldn’t be where the other one was, assuming the other’s presence whenever we did pass each other.

My cheek stung with phantom pain from the memory of his punch. Looking at him now, part of me wished I’d punched back probably to soothe my ego but I couldn’t master enough anger to go through with it then and certainly not now. I couldn’t even meet his eyes.

He was right to punch me. But I couldn’t stop my arms from shaking and my eyes from getting pricked from unshed tears. He looked at me like I wasn’t his brother any more.

And it was tearing me apart.

“I…” I started to say before shaking my head. What had I been about to say? I miss you? I wished you wouldn’t look at me like I was a stranger?

Shit.

Something about the atmosphere began to cool, like the person pulling the cord of tension had slightly relaxed. My heart jumped. I locked eyes with him for the first time in weeks after our fight and something shifted in his eyes, the unfamiliarity in his face almost slipping.

Then he turned and my heart fell. My lips trembled.

Fuck. I’m not going to cry because of this.

I was about to turn away from him, away from all this pain when I heard his gravelled whisper. “Made you some eggs.”

The statement sent a ripple of shock up my spine. My eyes leapt to him but he’d already began moving past me and out of the kitchen before leaving the house in quiet bounds.

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Finally done with exams!

Been a while since I wrote in Jude’s POV so this was a hassle to write. What did you think of this chapter? It’s short but more are coming.

See ya❤️