Chapter 35

JUDE

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I stood at the front door of my house. Absolutely frozen.

My mind was whirling with so many thoughts that I couldn’t pick any to fixate on.

I was thoughtful and thoughtless.

Open the door, Jude. It’s just your mom and Rick. Not some monsters.

But you left them, I said, you left them during the worst time.

But I didn’t mean to, another part of me shot back but I couldn’t help realise it was the voice I never wanted to remember; the voice I had when I was twelve… the voice I had when I found out he died – frail and weak.

Hot needles pricked my skin. My fingers trembled on the doorknob. A weight of guilt so insurmountable hovered over my chest that I could barely breathe. It swirled with something else that I couldn’t decipher.

Would they forgive me?

I’d promised myself to be more conscious of how mom was fairing. And then when the news of my dad’s body disappearing reached me, I’d left her without a thought.

I’d gone back to alcohol.

I’d gone back to the old me. The selfish persona I’d resolved to shed off.

I’d been missing for three days and here I was back at my house. Like the prodigal son.

My teeth began to chatter before I reigned myself back in control but the heaving in my chest wouldn’t stop. I was back again in Oliver’s room but this time he wasn’t here with me. I couldn’t feel his hand on my shoulder.

My mind reached for his voice almost unconsciously. It felt really weird when I looked back on it, seeing how he probably never wanted to see me after I pointed out his gorgeous voice to him but I was desperate. I hated feeling like my lungs were getting buried with water. I hated feeling like my skin was on fire.

And his voice did help. My nerves significantly depleted.

But I was still shaking. I felt like I was at the edge of a cliff, about to fall over.

Would they really forgive me?

A gleam of hope glittered briefly in my gut. Rick will, a part of me thought. He always has your back. Always.

The shaking stopped. The dry heaves stilled in my chest. The weight settled off my throat and ribcage, if only just a bit.

I could always count on Rick. I always did since we were kids. I would be alright.

I clutched the doorknob tightly and let out a heavy breath I didn’t know I was holding. Resolve steeled in my head. I twisted the doorknob and entered.

The house was… ordinary. Normal. You would have never known that it was the house of a family grieving someone. Dead silence radiated from the kitchen.

My eyebrows scrunched into a frown. It was Sunday afternoon. Mom was bound to be cooking something, at least dinner or a snack. And Rick would be outside the house, practising soccer. Instead, the house was a morgue.

My chest constricted as I was wrenched back to the memory of finding my mom in the garden at the back of our house, mourning her heart out.

Pulse jumping into overdrive, I bolted for the backdoor, hoping against every fucking thing that it wasn’t happening again.

It couldn’t happen again. I’d kill myself if it did.

But before I could make it past the living room, a voice called out to me. “Jude?”

I turned.

My mom was standing at the base of the staircase leading up to our rooms wearing a frock that swirled around her so much it looked like it was holding her upright. Her face was gaunt, the blood completely drained from her face.

Before I could speak, before I could realise the breath in my lungs had been completely knocked out, she had covered the distance between us in a second, quicker than any vampire. She wrapped her arms around my shoulder and it was like a cloud had curled around me. An invisible weight seemed to float off my shoulders as they sagged.

We stayed like this for a minute or so, neither of us wanting to pierce the heavy silence settling around us. My eyes stung but I wouldn’t let the tears fall. If I did, I’d collapse into an emotional mess and I wasn’t sure if I would come back.

My mother sniffed before exhaling. She pulled back, studying my face. “You’ve always put me through so much, Judah.” Her thick lips pressed into a tight smile that betrayed amusement and a smidge of pain.

It stabbed me. Stabbed me through the heart.

“I’m s- I’m sorry,” I turned my head away, afraid that my face was showing everything I felt – hot, burning pain and shame of broken promises.

“Look at me,” she said after a moment.

I couldn’t.

Then I felt a hand press against my cheek. It was everything I didn’t want it to be. I wanted it to be rough, devoid of any softness. I wanted it to feel like she was punishing me.

Instead, it was the softest thing imaginable. It took me back to when I was six and was afraid to hang out with other kids at school. My mom had wanted me to talk to them but I was so shy that I couldn’t form the right words.

Then I ran. Ran away to hide under a slide in the school playground until my mother found me. She’d touched my face and I suddenly broke down in tears. Her touch had been like a summer breeze.

It was still as soft now. And it was killing me. I didn’t deserve softness. Or gentleness. Or anything loving.

I never should have left her.

With reluctance, I faced her again, trying to school my features into a relative, calm mask. “Are you okay?”

Mom’s eyes sought something in my eyes. Her gaze was sharp but tender. As if she could see how much I was trying to hide myself and wanted to tell me it was ok. I remembered how devastated she was in the garden when I found her. How miserable she looked after she found out the news of my father.

And I left her.

She nodded before saying, “That doesn’t matter.”

“It does,” my voice cracked. “I- I-” took the news so badly that I left. I left you. The words almost escaped me before I took a deep breath.

Don’t break down. Not now. Not like how you broke in Oliver’s room.

And I let him see me in that state. That is something I would tackle another time.

“Where did you go?” She asked. “You disappeared for almost four days. No call. No text. Your phone’s location was off so we couldn’t track you and we had to call the police.”

“I was at Oliver’s place.”

“Oliver? Since when are you that much of friends?”

I didn’t answet that. Honestly I couldn’t because I was just as confused. So i asked, “You called the police?”

“Yes.” She inhaled, trying to shake it off but I could sense how uneasy and worried she had been until now. “Gave them your details. They’re probably still searching for you. I should tell them we found you.”

I was dumbfounded. If the cops had found me in a bar, absolutely drunk and out of it….

Shit.

I forced myself to disregard the notion before summoning every strength to ask, “Did you find his body?”

A dark cloud seemed to pass over us. The air stilled. If my mother’s mood wasn’t already in the gutters, now it was in the seventh circle of hell.

I suddenly felt the sting of selfishness. Why did I ask that? I’d already made things worse by leaving her and Rick. Now I was reminding her of the last thing she wanted to hear.

The sombre look in her eyes told me everything. She looked so dejected that the strength left me entirely.

I couldn’t look at her anymore. It was killing me. So I took her hand. “We’ll figure it out.”

I wanted to say more. I wanted to tell her she wasn’t facing this alone. That I would never leave her again.

But the words were stuck in my throat.

I needed to see Rick. He was our anchor. He knew what to do.

Mom took a deep breath. “He’s upstairs.” Like she’d read my mind.

After a moment, I shook myself from my stupor and nodded but before I left, I gave my mom a tight hug. I could feel from the tension of her shoulders that she was stunned. I never initiated hugs or any intimate physical touch but I wanted to say what my words couldn’t. That I’ll always be here for her from now on.

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Rick’s bedroom door was already open.

He was in his room, sitting on his bed, his back facing me as he stared listlessly through the window. He had a scraggled, black shirt and grey sweatpants on. His shoulders were tense, his posture stiff. He looked like he was trying out for the military.

I stood for a few moments, the feeling of second-guessing already creeping into my head. The air around him was thick with an emotion I couldn’t identify. The uncertainty was making my skin itch. It was making me want to bolt away from where I stood. Away from him.

I took a silent inhale. I didn’t want to spook him, and I wanted to calm my nerves. Before I could call out to him, he said, “Where were you?”

His tone made my blood run cold – clipped and curt, like he didn’t want to waste his energy talking to me.

“Hey man,” I rubbed my neck. “Look. I’m sorry about leaving you guys-“

“Where were you?”

This time, I thought I detected an edge creeping into his voice. Like an opaque bag hiding a knife.

“I was at Oliver’s. I crashed out for the night.”

“Three nights. You were gone for three nights.”

I thought of a thousand lies to tell him, but I couldn’t muster the energy. So I told him everything. Everything I couldn’t tell mom. There was no use hiding it. Rick knew me better than anyone. Even Mom.

I didn’t tell him about my mental breakdown though. The memory was too fresh and raw that I couldn’t bear to tell anyone yet. I wasn’t sure I ever would.

When I was done, Rick remained absolutely still. There was no indication that he’d even heard me at all. His eyes were still trained at the window.

Silence. Pure, heavy, body-crushing silence.

My skin crawled as I mentally counted. It had been five minutes now. My legs were starting to ache.

Then, with a sudden slowness, he rose from his bed. He stood for a moment, his back still facing me, before he turned and a jolt rushed through me. His expression was a slab of marble.

He took a few strides until he was standing a foot away from me. I knew my brother was the slightly taller one but right then and there I seemed to realise just how tall he was. His figure was imposing and I felt as small as ever. His dark eyes made me shrink inwardly.

My mouth began to move on its own, unsure of what I was even about to say until he cut me off with a bear hug that squeezed the life out of me. When he pulled back, something in his expression had shifted.

My pulse began to drop. Relief flooded my system. I had been worrying for nothing. That had been so easy-

The world suddenly turned. Before I knew it, a flash of pain exploded in my right cheek. When I regained my senses, I found myself sprawled on the floor, Rick several feet away.

My vision swam with black dots.

“I’m sick of you.” I heard Rick say.

I blinked. The dots wouldn’t go away.

“I’m so sick of you.” I heard him say again.

I rubbed my head, the wave of pain only getting worse.

“I’m sick of you only thinking about yourself. Sick of you being a fucking coward. All these years. All these fuckin years after Dad died. And you still act like this. Like you’re ten years old. Like your big brother is going to take care of you when you cry, like your big brother is going to find you when you throw a tantrum and disappear. You’re fuckin TWENTY, JUDE. GODDAMNIT.”

I couldn’t speak. The pain and black dots was starting to recede but I couldn’t speak. My entire being was absolutely frozen. I felt like one touch was needed and I would unravel into nothingness.

“Did the alcohol burn your throat so much you can’t even talk now?” A sudden viciousness had crept into his voice. He laughed, the sound dry and sharp with absolutely no humour. “Does mom know you drank? That you went back to that addiction? You said you were going to stop.”

“I… I did.”

“You promised.”

“I…”

“You fuckin promised Jude. You know how mom is struggling mentally. We all heard the news about Dad’s body. But nooooo. You had to run and disappear the moment you heard about it. Like a stupid child. I’d been worried sick about you for days. I’ve been ignoring Vanessa’s calls for days. I have several missed calls from Oliver and Casey but I was too busy looking for you because I was so fuckin worried. I thought you died!”

“Rick-”

“I thought you were gone!” He buried his head in his hands and something in my chest broke permanently into a thousand pieces. “I couldn’t bear losing you after Dad too.”

“I’m -“

“Don’t say it,” he suddenly warned. “Don’t fuckin say it.”

My jaw clenched. “You don’t know how much I’ve struggled after he died. How much-“

“What about me, Jude? What about me? I’ve struggled too.” His voice rose higher and higher. “I had to pick myself up after he was gone. I had to. Because I had you. You’re my little brother. Between mom and her grief and you resorting to destructive coping habits, I had to pick myself up. I had to ensure you were still ok, that you were always fine because god knows what would happen to mom if she lost you too. I had to make sure you were always ok. When Mom gets worried about your alcohol issue, I always tell her you’ll be fine. That you’ll change. You’ll get better. I’ve always looked out for you. But I’ve been- ” he stuttered, his lips quivering and the horrible truth dawned on me.

Rick hid it well but he was suffering just as much as I did.

Or even worse.

And I was too blind to see it.

I was always blind to it.

He took a deep breath and a semblance of control seemed to overule him. When he spoke, his voice was deadly calm. “I’m done.”

“Rick – “

“I’m done. If you want, you can indulge in more alcohol and whatever stupid drugs you use. I don’t care. If you want to run away and never come back, be my guest. Just remember this. Mom’s mental state is more fragile than ever. If you even so much as make it tip over,” he crouched until he was leaning next to me. “I’ll forget you were ever my brother. You’ll have died with Dad for all I care.”

The air I was holding was absolutely punched out of me. I was floating in and out of reality.

“What is going on here?” A voice spoke.

It was mom.

The air turned even heavier.

Rick faced her. “Jude was just leaving.”

I don’t know where I got the strength from but I was suddenly on my feet. I couldn’t meet either of their gazes.

As I walked out, Rick’s voice made me stop. “Your coach talked to me. I think it was last week. Said you’ve been missing so much practice that if you miss tomorrow’s you’re out of the team.”

My stomach lurched.

Without another word, he slammed the door shut.

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I SURVIVED THE TESTS Y’ALL

*Happy dance* *Happy Dance*

I apologise for not posting for so long but between school, me dealing with impostor syndrome about my writing and a whole lot of other issues I couldn’t find the strength to write.

I also have my major exams in a week’s time and they last for two weeks so basically I might only pump out one more chapter this week before I go MIA.😭

Have me in y’all’s prayers.😪😪😪😪

Anywayssss, did you enjoy this chapter? Let me know your thoughts.

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Mwah. 💋💋 love ya.