Chapter 1

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⚠️SEVERE WARNING ⚠️

This story explores taboo themes of sin, hypocrisy, repression, and moral corruption within a religious setting. It is not intended as an attack on faith, spirituality, or individual believers. The “God” depicted here will be a separate fictional entity, created solely for the story. Scripture references are borrowed.

This story contains vampires.

This story contains depictions of violence, s*xuality, internal homophobia, illegal s*bstances,  s*xual harassment, and other morally disturbing behavior.

This story is not an endorsement of harmful behavior.

This story is written to criticize harmful themes, not to glorify it.

This story is written by a sadistic author whose sole purpose is to make you question your morality every time you get h*rny over the sm*t.

This story is intended to mentally f*ck you.
Reader discretion is SEVERELY advised.

JUDE CRESTON
his POV

Can sin be forgiven by another sin? Can a pig’s blood be washed away by a human’s? Can I forget guilt by being guilty of another?

I stood in front of the mirror, adjusting the collar of my crisp, black robe. I had a vision of my childhood bed behind me, occupied by a young black boy— almost the same age as me, who tilted his full head of coils at the handsome priest-to-be.

“You’re too handsome,” he said, brushing my hair back from my forehead. “Even in that ugly uniform.”

“It’s not ugly, Salve. It’s modest. It’s… comforting.” As if it protects me from guilt. But the guilt stepped closer, hands gentle as they smoothed the robe’s folds.

“Did you really think being a priest would take you away from this life?”

My lips pressed into a thin line. “Definitely. It’s the only way… my last chance to be normal.”

“So loving me was a sin?” His voice sounded almost broken. A boy whose face I’ve only ever loved, lips luscious and eyes attached with long eyelashes that touched mine lovingly.

Before I could answer, the door opened. My mother stood there, tears in her eyes, trembling as she tried to smile. The short woman reached up to me, her 5’10 son. “Jude… I don’t want you to go, I don’t want my only baby to go. You’re barely 20!”

I swallowed, remembering my father’s sharp words and harsh slurs thrown at me. His disapproval still brutal and final. I knew my father no longer wanted me here, no matter what. The convent would be my only home.

“I have to go, Ma,” I whispered. “Don’t worry. When I get back, I’ll be fixed. No more of this… no more pain, no more suffering. They will fix me without electrocutions or medicine that poison my body. Only God can fix me.”

“I love you,” she says, tears pooling in her eyes, “Whatever illness you have, you are my son. But I… can’t stand here watching you waste away. If God can bring you to a better, happier place then… my love, I will watch you go.”

The car waited outside, and as it carried me away from the home I’ve always known, my thoughts tangled with grief and anticipation. Salve was riding with me, still scoffing at what he called a ridiculous uniform.

“So you’re gonna be called Father now?” He smirked, looking warm in his red sweater. “I prefer calling you Daddy.”

“Not yet, I’m merely a student,” I smiled at Salve. “Are you just gonna be disrespecting my choice the whole way there?”

“I’m not disrespecting your choices—I’m questioning them.” He leaned towards me, his eyes squinting at me. “Is this your way of leaving me behind?”

My eyes watered as I looked out of the window where the city turned into the countryside. “I could never leave you, Salve. Not in this life, not in the next.”

OUR LADY OF CARNATION VALLEY
arrival

Soon, I would arrive at the convent—a gothic old mansion perched atop a hill, its towers cutting into the cloudy sky like frozen fingers. Stone statues of the Holy Lady leered from every corner, ivy clinging to the walls like ancient guardians. The gates creaked open as we approached, and the weight of the place pressed down on me, promising sanctuary.

“It looks old…” Salve commented, following me out of the car. “It’s like something between a mansion and church.”

“That’s what a convent is, it’s always beautiful.”

Giggling male voices reached me, but I couldn’t see them. Then running footsteps, then two young men in casual uniforms chasing each other across the entrance, passing by me but one of them stopping when they noticed me, the other bumping into him.

“Oh—! Someone new…”

“Tasty?” / “Scrumptious,” they giggled to themselves.

One had green eyes and long dark hair, straight and falling beyond his shoulders, his skin pale and pink when met with the sun. He’s wearing a casual suit with a priest’s collar, but he has a green scarf around his neck. The other male had dark features, a diamond-shaped face, and locs to his shoulders. His eyes, though… one brown, one grey, sparkling while looking at me. The dark skinned one reminds me of Salve—

“I do not look like him!” He exclaims from behind me, while the pale one stepped towards me.

“Hi! You must be Jude Creston, the new student. The Monsignor told us of you, but he didn’t say you were this… handsome,” the pale one with dark hair tilted his head, his companion hiding behind him to try concealing his giggling face. “You’re wearing the Sunday uniform, it’s Monday.”

Why is the one behind him eye-f*cking me… Eyes half-lidded, as if he’s sleepy but also inviting in that way.

“Oh… sorry,” I apologized, distracted. “I’ll go change if maybe you’ll show me my room?”

The pale one scanned me from head to toe, his thoughts seemingly too malicious for someone studying to be a priest. “Of course…”

“My name is Everest Santiago, you can call me Evie,” the long-haired one said, now walking beside me while his dark-skinned companion walked a bit behind, avoiding my eyes whenever they met. “This is Marcus Glascow, we call him Glass. Don’t worry about how he’s looking at you, it’s just how he looks. Marilyn Monroe eyes, as they say. He’s blessed.”

Salve scoffed behind me. “I can smell weed on that guy. Are you sure this is a convent, Jude? I feel something weird about these priests…”

They’re not weird, it’s just Evie talking while Glass followed behind, although he’s checking me out every time I catch him looking. Maybe they just haven’t seen a new guy for a long time.

“This is the main dining hall. You should be here before 7, as we won’t wait for you, and barging in while we’re eating would be very rude,” Evie said, showing me a dining table with four chairs at the sides, one at each end. All the furniture and decor was very neo-gothic, with stained-glass windows depicting the life of Christ.

“Leo makes very good food. He’s a student too, but… an accident happened to the cook so he had to fill in,” Evie’s eyes glinted with mischief, and I found myself somewhat drawn to his green eyes. Salve raised an eyebrow, looking at the students with disgust.

“Don’t tell me you’re into the one with ninja-turtle eyes,” Salve grumbled.

“No…” I snapped out of it, smiling at Evie. “I mean—unfortunate, I’m sure.”

“Indeed… accidents happen all the time,” he hums. “Don’t let anything happen to you, okay? Would be a… waste.”

You can tell which word has him scanning my body, making me feel self conscious. On each side of the dining area were large staircases leading to the floor above, which overlooked the dining room. Evie continued, “The left wing is our classrooms, the right wing our dormitories. The floor above is the church, and the office-bedroom of our Monsignor Sinclair. You’d have to be a very bad boy to be called to his office.”

Both boys giggled, and Evie added, “Trust me, I’ve tried to be the worst boy out here. But he won’t reprimand us.”

Why would they want to be—never mind. Salve may be right, they’re strange… I thought as the three of us walked through the halls of the right wing.

“This is your room, handsome,” said Evie, showing me a very empty room with nothing but a bed, a desk, and a cabinet. Glass leaned against the doorway, still giving me those eyes that I tried to avoid. Evie added, “We share bathrooms, but there’s a lake outdoors to swim in. We like to swim nude, you should join…”

“Thank you, Evie… Glass,” I said kindly, awkwardly looking down because they were still eyeing me hungrily like amused lions spotting a gazelle drinking from nearby waters. They were still watching me. “Uhm… thanks for the tour.”

The door across my room suddenly flew open, and a shirtless man, tall and buff, with dark skin scarred with light streaks across his chest, glared at all of us. His twisted hair had golden cuffs in them. His eyes were lined darkly, and his brow lowered to indicate his irritation. He is good looking in a way football jocks are.

“I was woken up because I thought rats were scurrying, but it’s you as always, Evie…” the large man said before noticing me. “New blood, huh…”

“Ahh! Jude, this is Redd, double D’s, and I’m not talking about the tits!” Evie said as he ran across the hall to cling onto the large man’s arm, slightly pulling him out of the room to introduce me. “Redd is a special friend of mine, tends to sleep naked, so I don’t know why he has pants on.”

Glass giggled, but one look from Redd made him look away. I sensed tension in the air, but Salve was here to knock me back to earth.

“Get rid of them, close the door!” Salve exclaimed from the bed. “They give me the creeps. Especially that heterochromic black boy. How dare you say he looks like me.”

“I should rest,” I kindly said to them. “It was very nice to meet you, Evie and Glass. Redd, I promise to be very quiet from here…”

Evie laughed while clinging onto Redd. “He doesn’t mind loud… he loves them noisy…”

Glass giggled with a finger between his teeth, looking at me flirtatiously but looked away before it could be fully registered. For the first time, he said a few words, “Goodbye, Jude…”

His voice was as feminine as he looks androgynous, smooth like crème on top of coffee. He slipped through the doorway and pulled Evie with him, who folded his fingers in goodbye to both Redd and me. The big man looked at me from head to toe, but more in a judgmental way.

“So why are you trying to be a priest, Jude?” he asked, crossing his arms as if flexing the guns he had worked hard for. He had a subtle accent, seemingly from Louisiana because he draws out his consonants, but not too obvious that one wouldn’t know unless they’re from that region. My grandmother had a heavy Louisiana accent, so I would know.

“Why do I need a reason to spread the word of God?” I asked lightheartedly, pulling my bag up to unpack while Salve judged me for keeping my door open.

“There’s always a real reason to come to Carnation Valley instead of other convents, or even a better Catholic school. But you come to a very isolated convent with less than 10 students? Either you’re running, or hiding. But never for no reason.” Now his accent was very obviously Creole as he asked me, “So why are you here, Jude Creston? Who’re you running from?”

I looked at Salve sitting on my bed, his beautiful face frowning back at me. Then I turned to answer Redd. “I simply prefer the isolation. The silence is comforting… if there’s anywhere that gives me peace, it’s a place with less than 10 students.”

Redd seemed amused at my answer, scoffing. “There’s nothing silent about this place, Jude. I suggest you stay in your room at night. Pray well.”

Redd closed the door to his room, and I could finally be alone with Salve. “The place is weird and the students are even weirder…”

“We just haven’t gotten to know them yet, Salve.” He watched as I unpacked my things, including a red sweater that Salve was currently wearing. The exact same one was in my hands. Salve knelt on the bed and clung onto me, smiling at the sweater I was holding.

“Why’d you bring that here? Another item of comfort?” he whispered. “So you could see me wear that here?”

“You always look the best in red…” I look back at him, and he was there but with no warmth. His coily hair was in my peripherals, but I couldn’t feel them tickling me. “I wish I could kiss you.”

He sighed, “If you go to sleep, I will. I’ll kiss you a thousand times until you can’t breathe.”

“That’s a nightmare, Salve.”

“Then wake up, silly!” He giggles, tearing off me, “You better change out of those ugly robes and go meet the Daddy.”

“Father,” I corrected him, “And he shouldn’t even be called father, it’s Monsignor. They have a higher rank.”

“Potato tomato, but the tomato is sweeter…” Salve looks at me like the sweetest boy I’ve ever loved.

So I went to get dressed—I put on the casual uniform this time. The fabric still felt stiff, unfamiliar against my skin, as if it didn’t belong to me yet. I folded the rest of my clothes neatly, and tucked my bag away.

The convent was somewhat eerie, even in the middle of the day. Doors creaked. Footsteps echoed. The statues looked down at me, and I fear it’s for judgment. Laughter drifted down the halls, mostly by Evie and Glass. Followed by murmured voices that stopped too suddenly. Somewhere far away, a bell rang once, dull and hollow.

I walked the halls slowly, letting my fingers trail along the cold stone walls, making the sign of the cross at the image of the Lady. The windows were tall and narrow, stained glass throwing colors across the floor like bruises. When I reached a clear pane overlooking the grounds, I stopped.

Outside, near the edge of the beautiful garden with pink and white carnations, a boy knelt in the grass with the same uniform I have.

He was alone, carefully picking flowers as if each one mattered, each one beautiful. His hair was a soft blonde, curly but heavy, some of it braided messily, strands slipping free and catching the light. The sun touched him gently, like it knew him. His eyes—when he lifted his head to look at the window—were a calm, bright blue, the kind that made you think of open skies and clean water.

He smiled at me, knowing I was watching. I should feel awkward, spying at a stranger like this. But something in my chest loosened, just a little, as I watched him stand and brush grass from his knees, flowers clutched carefully like a secret.

“Like what you see, handsome?” I jumped when I heard Evie’s voice crawl beside me, and I turn to look at him as his eyes roll from my neck to my feet, as if covering me in syrup that made me feel sticky and strange. “That’s Lucien. The Monsignor’s son. He’s off limits. You should come to class, I’ve been sent to make sure you’re not lost.”

As he turned to walk away, I followed him wondering, “What do you mean off limits?”

“Well, he’s 17, and has a brain of a Disney princess’ animal sidekick. The Monsignor would kill you if you touch him,” Evie says before stopping in the middle of the hallway, turning around while I bump into him. His hands were suddenly on my chest while he whispers, “And you don’t need to hide who you are, I know that look from a mile away.”

Much to my horror, Evie crawls his hands from my chest down to my hips. Alarm bells ring in my ears. “Don’t worry, handsome… you have tons of boys to f*ck here, why don’t you start with me? I’ll tell them how you taste… unless you like taking it? Haha… I’d be willing to adjust seeing your pants look tight from behind—”

I was suddenly torn from him by a man a little taller than me, his uniform accessorized with a red vest and his priest’s collar a bright red as well. His hair is a gelled black and slicked; brown eyes with thick eyelashes and strong bone structure. He is racially ambiguous, but his features remind me of Zayn Malik so he may be from that part of the world. I can see tattoos peeking on his neck, but he’s still another priest in training.

“Leave him alone, Eve…” the man in red says, glaring at him with fierce brown eyes. His voice is deep and he has an accent—he might as well be Zayn. “Why don’t you go say five Hail Marys and five Our Fathers for tempting a man?”

Evie’s eyes squint, “I don’t confess to you, Leo. I was just trying to make him feel home.”

I feel assaulted, I thought, watching Evie turn around and walk away. I look at the man holding me, which I knew to be the chef according to the name. “H-hi… thanks for that. I didn’t expect Evie to… to…”

“He’s too friendly,” he says, “He really does like you, but he takes it too far. We’re merely students, we don’t yet have the willpower to resist…” he scans my features, “… temptation.”

I’ve never been stared at by this many men in my entire life. It’s dangerous, for I am also prone to temptation. I gently pull my arm away from him. “Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind. We should go to class…”

As I turned to leave for the classroom, he calls out to me, “How about I make you lunch?”

“Huh?”

“I only make breakfast and dinner, then the others either skip lunch or make their own. But I’ll make you lunch… as a token of friendship,” he smiles at me, “It’s nice to meet you, Jude Creston.”

We entered the classroom together, and I saw familiar faces. Evie, with his feet on top of his desk chatting with Glass, whose eyes are barely awake and fighting sleep. Redd, in his uniform with sleeves rolled up, was glaring at Evie and rolling his eyes at his yapping.

But a face I’ve never seen before is the man in the front of the room, a hand on a bible and writing the verse of the day on the board. He has dirty blonde wavy hair and golden hazel eyes, reminding me of Jasper from the twilight series, or Aaron Taylor Johnson from Savages, just a little younger and has the fashion of a trust fund kid. He has a yellow cardigan that doesn’t hide his lean-muscular build.

All of us have a large desk each, but Evie and Glass stuck theirs together so they can chat. The blonde man by the board greeted me, “You must be Jude Creston, welcome to Our Lady of Carnation Valley!”

His voice is loud, cheerful, welcoming just like he said. His bright smile lights up the room. “My name is Pryce, a senior. I’m taking over for the Monsignor as he attends a seminar in the city.”

So the Monsignor isn’t here…

“Nice to meet you, Pryce…” for the first time, I wasn’t stared down like I was food. His eyes remained on mine, which was refreshing. Leo took a seat next to Redd’s desk, and I assume the empty one next to Glass is mine, so I sat in it.

“Today,” says the charming Pryce, “We’ll be discussing Corinthians. First letter. Chapter six. This passage is often misunderstood. People use it as a weapon. But I prefer to see it as a reminder. A warning, but also an invitation.”

He looks around the room, eyes lingering just a second too long on me, maybe because I need to catch up.

“Our bodies are not our own,” he continues, before telling the rest of the class, “They belong to God. And when something belongs to Her, it must be protected. Guarded. Disciplined.”

Evie lets out a soft hum, resting his chin on his palm. Strangely, he’s also giving Pryce the same hungry eyes he’s been giving me, so it’s probably just his personality. Glass is half-asleep, eyes fluttering, head tilted toward Evie’s shoulder. Redd sits rigid, arms crossed, jaw tight, glancing at the two every once in a while.

Pryce’s gaze finally settles on me.

“Which is why temptation,” he says gently, “Is not a sin in itself. Acting on it is.”

Evie’s smile is sharp as he suddenly says, “Then why does it create pleasure, hmm? Why does God reward us for being sinful? God d*mn us to hell when She made temptation, knowing we couldn’t resist.”

Glass laughs with him and they whisper among each other.

Pryce answers, “That why She also created repentance, forgiveness. We are humans who are capable of sin, but we all have a chance to cleanse ourselves.”

I swallow, fingers curling against the edge of the desk. Salve’s voice whispers behind me, “I have a horrible feeling about this group.”

The bell rings shortly after. Chairs scrape back. Evie stretches like a cat, saying goodbye and rushing out of the door. Redd is on his feet taking his books, before walking to Glass’ table, taking his hand like a gentleman as the boy leaves with him.

Salve giggles while sitting on my desk. “Redd looks like he’s taking Glass to bed…”

Clean your dirty mind, Salve. We are men of God…

“I didn’t mean it like that silly, I mean Glass has been sleepy the whole class, I’m talking literal… strange why Redd has to take him.”

I decided to smile at my misinterpretation before Leo came to my table. “It’ll just be us having lunch. Pryce has a meeting with the Monsignor. Would you like beef or chicken?”

“I’d love beef,” I answer, leaving the classroom with him.

Outside, in the distance, I catch a glimpse of long blonde curls moving through the garden. Flowers still in his hands, but this time he’s decorating the shrubs who cannot bloom.

Lucien, a name Evie said. A name that couldn’t leave my brain because of how beautiful it is.

During lunch with the kind and caring Chef Leo, he made me an awesome beef brisket with skilled hands and a fast pace. And while I watched him cook, he pulled his sleeves up to reveal two full sleeves of tattoos, on a muscular arm I couldn’t help but stare at.

I was fed in no time. “I’ve never met a priest with a full body of tattoos before,” I smile at Leo, “No judgment, they’re beautiful.”

“I have piercings too, but I have to hide them.”

That piqued my interest, seeing no metal on his face or ears. Then my eyes trailed down to his body—Our Lady, lift my eyes from sin.

Leo noticed, and smiled at me widely. He gave me more beef, before sitting next to me and reaching out to wipe sauce off the corner of my mouth. “I know what you’re thinking. And you’re exactly right, Jude. My body is a temple, and I choose to decorate it.”

I look at Salve across me, and he gave me the stankiest face which exposed my homosexuality and obvious attraction to this creative chef. Don’t judge me Salve, you know I’m weak to pierced men. You have pierced nipples, my love.

Salve bitterly replies, “Well I don’t have a pierced d*ck, do I? I thought you were here to start a new life?”

I decided to ask the man before me, “Redd told me that anyone who comes into this convent is either running from, or hiding from something. So which are you, Leo?”

“I come to start anew,” he says, looking at me softly with his dark eyes. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

I cannot deny that he’s handsome, with incredible eyes that lull me into a warm blanket from how thick his eyelashes are. Even his voice is attractive, although his beautiful confession… “These hands… have taken a life.”

I was stunned. Heavily tattooed man with penis piercings, just admitted to have taken a life with the most gorgeous pair of lips. I admit, I was a bit turned off, but… if he’s here becoming a priest then he must be on a journey of redemption?

“I don’t have the rank to take your confession,” I whisper. But I do want to know more. Was it by accident? Premeditated? Revenge? There’s more to murder than what is heard by the ear, but he didn’t tell me more.

“Then consider it honesty as a friend…” he says, his eyes nothing but warm and welcoming. “Tell me why you’re here. Tell me what you’re running from. It’s only fair after I told you mine, yes?”

Should I? I look at Salve, who doesn’t seem to care if I talk about it. Usually, like earlier with Redd, he disapproves, but now he’s just neutral. He’s just looking at me waiting for my own answer.

So I decided, “I’m running from guilt. I haven’t killed a man, but my decision led to me being lost and alone. And that guilt follows me everywhere. I don’t want to live in pain anymore, so I came here asking God for help.”

“She can only watch us use our free will for good or bad. Free will is God’s gift… but She cannot get rid of the consequence for living with free will,” Leo replies, taking my hand into his, “God will only guide us, but She cannot fix us. You do not need fixing, Jude. You’re perfect the way you are.”

I fear I do need fixing. I fear I’m as imperfect as a sinner.

After the afternoon classes, Leo told me to make sure I make it to dinner. I have an hour to change out of my uniforms, so I did. I dressed in simple pants and a black warm cotton shirt since the school is a bit chilly when the sun is out. Here in the countryside, there’s no big buildings to block out the cool air. The trees bring the breeze to you.

I went to the dining area, with nobody sitting at the head of the tables. Evie and Glass are sitting together as usual, with the former squealing upon noticing me. “Jude! Hi! Come, sit beside me!”

Redd, who was beside him, looks up from his food to glare at Evie, then me. But Pryce chuckled, “No need to kick Redd off his seat, Evie. Jude can sit beside me.”

I sat next to the blonde Pryce, with two spaces beside me open. Pryce is a very kind and charming man; he even placed food on my plate and ensured I have iced tea to drink.

“You’ve tasted our chef Leo’s cooking already, yes? He’s sent by God Herself,” Pryce complimented, just as Leo came in with a deep fried whole fish before sitting right beside me. I smiled at him, and he did to me before I noticed Evie raising an eyebrow at us. Pryce seemed to cut the tension with his words, “It’s time to say grace… Glass? It’s your turn to pray.”

“Do I have to?” The man rarely speaks, but when he does it always intrigues me with his soft and gentle voice. He sighs, “Bless this food, our Lady with grace. Thanks for sending us a priest with a pretty face.”

Evie snorted out a laugh before nudging his hand. I wasn’t amused, but the rest are acting like this is normal. Glass giggled, but continued, “Bless the food we have received from thy generous bounty, Amen.”

Glass winks at me, but I awkwardly ignore him and started eating my food. Amazingly delicious as usual, so they weren’t kidding about Leo. Suddenly Redd spoke up, specifically towards me. “We should have wine to celebrate the newcomer.”

“Oooh! Blood of Christ!” Evie claps his hands, “Leo, would you please?”

The man beside me looked hesitant, but still went to get a bottle of wine. He came back with a tray of wine glasses and two opened bottles. He poured everyone a drink, except me who didn’t even get a glass.

Evie frowned at this. “Why haven’t you given wine to the person we’re celebrating?”

“I’d rather not, Jude doesn’t like wine does he?” Leo asks me. Which is strange because I didn’t tell him I don’t like wine.

“I don’t mind—”

Pryce cuts me off, “This is your first day, Jude. I strongly suggest against drinking wine for now.”

Evie protests, “But he deserves it, he’s new—”

“EVE. Drop. It.” Pryce suddenly raised his voice, which effectively shuts up the table. “I do not want him to drink and YOU WILL NOT PRESS IT.”

Salve was sitting on the head of the table, observing the whole thing. “Just when I thought Pryce is a gentle man of God? Silly, the softest of voices can punch the hardest.”

All of us have skeletons in our closets, Salve. Pryce is also just human, and Evie pressed his buttons, I say in my mind.

Evie begrudgingly rolls his eyes, before clicking glasses with Glass and drinking their wine. I feel left out and jealous without a drink, yes, but Pryce and Leo seem to be heavily against me drinking. Pryce can be scary when the smile drops and the volume raises, so I am more wary of him. The senior is not to be underestimated.

Glass has already refilled his drink three times now, and Redd is glaring at him for asking another one. Glass just stuck out a tongue and asked again, so Leo poured him another one. I had hoped they would have a conversation about Glass’ excessive drinking, but the topic turns to me instead.

“He acts like a virgin,” Evie suddenly says, most likely referring to me. “Are you, Jude? Have you tried a woman? Or better yet, a man?”

“Evie,” warns Pryce.

“Oh no we don’t judge,” Evie says, “If he’s gonna be here, he’s gonna be part of our family, right? So we should get to know each other. Explore the dirtiest secrets, then cleanse it with Holy Water.”

Glass nods in agreement, while the rest just wants to eat and get over it, me included. I feel like he’s gonna press further and make this dinner all about me, and I don’t want that. So I just gave up and told him, “I’m not a virgin, Evie. But I expect to stay chaste so long as I’m training to be a priest.”

Redd suddenly chokes on his food as Glass cackles loudly: “AHA! HAHAHAHAHA!”

I look at everyone who seemed to be more awkward than I was a minute ago. “Is there something funny, Glass?”

“No,” Pryce wiped his mouth, “Forgive him, Glass has very shallow humor. They’re just amused to know you’re not a virgin… even though you’re a healthy young man.”

“It’ll make it easier,” Evie says, nodding as if it’s a matter of fact. “Adjusting here, I mean.”

I still don’t know what he means. But I’m focusing on Glass because he suddenly laughed so hard earlier. And now that I’m looking at him… he’s a bit drunk, actually a lot drunk, and stood up to get some more. But he bumped onto Evie’s head, which made him yell out, “Ow!”

Redd stood up and grabbed Glass’ drunken arm, keeping him off of Evie’s space. “You’re drinking too much, G. I’ll take you to bed.”

Glass giggles, before Evie also stands up, “I’ll have to go, too. Pryce made me lose my appetite. You’re welcome to ask for forgiveness.”

Evie follows Redd who is carrying Glass upstairs, bridal style. I watch, intrigued. But I don’t know if it’s me being tired and hallucinating, but I seem to caught a glimpse of Glass drunkenly kissing Redd before they disappeared into the right wing. What.

“What,” Salve echoed my thoughts. “I swear, that wasn’t me imagining it.”

“One thing you have to know about our convent Jude…” Pryce says to me, his plate empty and so is mine. “Is that we don’t judge, because only God can carry out judgment. Whatever you’re hiding from, whatever you’re running from. This is a place of comfort. This is a place of home.”

I look at Pryce, and nod at him with a smile. “Yes, of course. Thanks for telling me, Pryce.”

Pryce was the last to remove himself from the table, because Leo and I have moved upstairs. He even walked me to my bedroom, which was sweet of him. I feel safer with Leo… he’s around the same height as me with a couple inches added, probably 6 foot, so he doesn’t intimidate me as much as the others. Evie and Glass are shorter, but they just scare me. The last one, I can’t judge yet.

Curious, I decided to ask him, “Why did Lucien not join us for dinner?”

He seemed surprised I know the name. “Lucy? You’ve seen him?”

“Uhh… yeah, I saw him in the garden… is that fine?”

“Of course,” Leo chuckles at me, “It’s just that… the Monsignor doesn’t want him joining us. I’d agree, I wouldn’t want Evie anywhere near the poor kid, either. But I bring him his meals, and he eats three times a day.”

“What’s he like?” I ask him.

Salve behind me nudged my back, “Don’t ask as if you’re so interested in him. Now look at the man, he suspects you’re into 17-year-olds.”

My curiosity doesn’t equate romantic interest, Salve.

Leo indeed has a certain look on his face, but he answered me nonetheless. “Lucy is one of the only remaining light in this world. He is kind, with no ulterior motives. He does good, and asks for nothing in return. He was born here, so the grace of the Lady have guided him since birth. Be careful, Jude Creston. A moth admiring the light can get burnt.”

Is he telling me to stay away from Lucy? Can a sinful man taint a pure light? I guess so…

I tried to sleep that night, but even with Salve beside me I couldn’t. I hear bumps and voices, what I assume to be grunt of hurt and whines of complaints. Salve complained, “Ugh, I can’t sleep!”

I stayed up staring at the idling, hearing noises and concerning sounds. Then the door across my room opened, and I could definitely hear them now.

“Close the door!”

“If someone’s gonna watch, let them… show them how nice you look,” that’s Evie, giggling. I hear Glass sounding hurt, which concerned me enough to get up. My hands were on the door, but I didn’t open because Glass sounded… less hurt.

“Ahh…! Oh god… that feels so good…”

“Here, take more.”

“Are they doing drugs?!” Salve exclaimed. I was too scared to open, but less so when I hear a familiar voice of a curly blonde. “I can hear you guys from the next room. If the new guy wakes up…”

I was curious now that my name is involved. I cracked my door open just a tiny bit, but quiet enough for Pryce not to notice. He was by the door, and my limited sight can only see his tall blonde stature. When I made the door hinge open a bit more, I saw Evie approach him… wearing nothing, his milky skin on full display.

“Then put him here, let’s give him a proper welcome…”

“He looks like a virgin, we should leave him alone for now.”

“Haha! I knew you agreed with me, baby…” Evie wrapped both arms around Pryce and kissed him square on the mouth, made my eyes go wide. My breath deepened in shock, watching a long haired priest-in-training pin a taller Pryce against the doorway and kiss him with tongue, lips, mouth and all. Full of passion, full of hunger. He took Pryce’s hands and put it on his bare *ss.

In Redd’s bedroom, I can hear Glass moan out, “Ohhh, god!”

What in the Lady’s name is going on—while Evie is devouring Pryce’s lips, his eyes suddenly snap into mine, and I swear they were a different color. I didn’t process what, because I had closed the door as quickly as I can.

I return to my bed, but Salve was already there, concerned over my sweat and heavy breaths. “Salve, they were—I don’t know but—!”

“What do you mean you don’t know? Glass is getting f*cked in there.”

“B-but we’re students! We’re about to become priests!” I whisper-yell.

Salve sighed at me, “I told you, this place is weird and so are they! Did you think I was just jealous about Evie eye-f*cking you? I was trying to warn you.”

“Well what can I do about that, I’m already here and I have no money to hire a cab to take me back! This was a mistake—I never should’ve come here.”

“There’s no other place you belong to, Jude.” That wasn’t Salve speaking. That was Evie, who opened my door without a sound, unnoticed. I turned around, but the moment I met his eyes, I froze.

He has red eyes, or maybe the night has shaded his usual greens. He was nude, but I couldn’t look at his body. I was stuck in his eyes and couldn’t look away.

“Come…” I didn’t even notice him right in front of me now, taking my hand the same gentle way Redd did for Glass in the classroom. His smile was beautiful, striking. “Have fun with the Lady’s children, as you are now, too.”

“Jude?” I could hear Salve, but I could not think of him. “Jude, don’t go! JUDE!”

Evie pulled me out of my bedroom and into Redd’s room, where my eyes finally left his and landed on Glass, fully naked and ravished by both Pryce and Redd. His dark skin is smooth and without flaws, unlike Redd’s scarred one and Pryce’s scattered freckles and sun spots. I couldn’t look away, even if I wanted to. I wanted to, I do.

This is sin; this is all lust. Glass is being held by Redd from behind, ravished to euphoria while he orally services Pryce. Pills and booze surround his hands where they are dipped on the bed, and he pulls Pryce out of his mouth to put two of the pills in. Redd pulls him upright and gave him a bottle of booze to wash it down, while Pryce finally notices me.

“Eve, I told you to leave him alone.”

“He was spying on us. He knows now, why keep it from him?”

Pryce was not the righteous man I knew. Even with me in the room, he hurriedly takes Glass by the neck and pushes his c*ck right back in his mouth, where he chokes because of the other one plunging inside of him.

I want to leave. But Evie’s hands on me were like chains, keeping me on the ground. I was trembling, breaths heavy as I desperately want to turn around and return to Salve.

“Look at who’s turned on…” Evie whispers, one of his hands crawling between my legs. I feel him touch something sensitive, but my eyes are stuck on Redd’s large member impaling Glass’ body while Pryce spits in his open mouth and slaps his face, before putting it back in. “So what will it be, Jude? Will you take it… or give it?”

“My money’s on him taking it,” Redd grunts with a deep voice, purposely thrusting in Glass to make him choke on Pryce.

“We do not rush, Eve!” Pryce grunts as he hurriedly f*cks Glass’ throat, using his drool as lubricant.

Evie squeezes me down there and I gasp, so did he. “I bet I could change his mind and make him addicted to my wet sloppy—”

Finally, I could look away. But that’s because of a hand grabbing me by the arm and pulling me out of Redd’s room. A man angled me in a way I’m facing the hallway, and with the voice I knew who it is.

“Evie you little sh*t, leave him alone!” Leo yells at the room, and I could finally breathe properly since I wasn’t getting enough air in there. “It’s one thing to make him watch, but touching him?”

“He was aroused at the sight, Leo. I was doing him a favor. Come join us, you haven’t f*cked me in a while—”

“Shut up and plug your holes with d*ck, I prefer you use your mouth for anything other than talking.”

I close my eyes with a tear escaping my eyes, because just when I thought Leo was decent, I find out he’s engaging in depraved acts like them. But with a warm hand on mine, he pulls me further toward the hallway and opened a door to a room that smelled strongly of delicious spices and books.

“If you want, you can sleep in my room tonight while I sleep in yours. It would be bad to keep you across Redd’s room… if you want, that is.”

I look at him warily, keeping my arms to myself. “A-are you gonna join them?”

“No, I’m not happy with Evie’s behavior, they piss me off…” he can tell I look scared, so steps away from me and waits for me to go in or not. “I’m sorry about what you saw.”

“Is that normal? Evie said you f*cked him, too.”

“Forgive me, we were here ever since we were young and… well, we just found comfort in each other. Redd only came two years ago, but… the rest of us haven’t seen women in almost a decade now.”

Comfort in each other—it makes me sick. “Under the roof of God, really? You guys are—!”

“Disgusting, depraved, f*gs, corrupt, dirty, inferior, going to hell, never deserve to live, undeserving of society, unlovable, sick, mentally ill, I know.” He silenced me with all the stuff my father told me before sending me here. My heart dropped and broke into a thousand pieces, but it wasn’t Leo that broke it. It was the fact I was about to call him what my own father had said to me.

“We have heard it before, Jude. All of it… and nothing you would say could change us. Not even God Herself could fix us—believe me, we tried. But all we can do now is sin and ask Her for forgiveness, repent by day and sin by night.”

I finally look into his eyes, not so much disgusted as I always had with myself. Silence blanket the both of us, but the more I stay quiet, the more I could hear Evie and Glass’ engaged depravity down the hall. I would rather not hear it.

“I’ll sleep here tonight, thank you for offering,” I say with the smallest of voice, shy and ashamed as I look at Leo with the most tearful of eyes. “First thing in the morning, I’ll pack up and leave the convent. If I can’t be fixed here, I’d rather be anywhere else.”

Leo looks down, troubled. But he nods, “I will bring you breakfast, you don’t have to join us in the dining hall. I’m truly sorry you had to witness them do that. I hope you find peace, Jude. I hope the Lady blesses you.”

“Thank you, Leo…” at least, even from a sinful man, I am protected and saved. I am genuinely grateful for Leo.

I slept in his room that night, crying against Salve’s chest who held me without warmth. I’m not upset because of what I saw with the boys, I’m upset because this place can’t cleanse me like I hope it will. I will remain a sinner just like them, I won’t be fixed just like what I want.

Will Jude escape with his soul intact—or learns to survive by surrendering it to them?
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