Chapter 22 – Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty-Two

I called my mother collect from the first gas station I got to. She sent Michael to pick me up. He was very angry with me. He reiterated it was not my secret to tell. I knew he was right.

My mother was angrier. I had never seen her so angry, certainly not at me.

"I am really tired of this, Eric. I am tired of cleaning up your messes. I am tired of you thinking only about yourself. You need to understand that your actions and your deeds and your words affect others, not just you. Did you think about how many people were going to be impacted by your carelessness? Did you?"

I couldn't respond. I had only been the object of my mother's affection. I had never before been the object of her ire. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all.

I told her what happened, starting with Henry's declaration of chastity in his house. I told her why I had felt compelled to tell Steve about the baby. I tried to explain that it was, in fact, a compulsion, not a choice. I was not sure even I believed my words.

When I was finished, my mother called the Lustigs. When Henry got to the telephone, my mother told him he needed to come over, and to bring Steve.

There was quite a scene around our table. In order, it was my mother, her lover, her former lover, her former lover's son, and her son, who was dating her former lover's son.

My mother told Henry about the baby. He did not seem surprised. I assumed Steve had warned him, so he did not react emotionally in front of all of us.

My mother told him the depth of his involvement was up to him, that she did not expect anything from him, that she was leaving Paris, and that she and Michael planned to raise the baby as their own. Michael chimed in that he already loved the baby like a father.

Henry responded that he needed to think, but he was glad he knew and certain Ellen could not know. It would be too much for her. He was also certain he wanted to contribute financially to raising the baby. My mother assured him that was not necessary, that the only question he needed to resolve was whether and to what extent he wanted to know his child.

My mother looked to me and asked if I had anything to add. I didn't want to, but she had already insisted that I had to.

"Mr. Lustig, I want to apologize for how disrespectful I've been to you and your family. I should have behaved better as a guest in your home."

"Apology accepted, Eric."

"Steve, I want to apologize for my reaction today. I'm a bit of a porcupine. When I feel defensive or vulnerable, the quills come out. Anyway, I'm really sorry."

"I understand." Not an acceptance, but not a rejection, either.

My mother added her voice. "Steve, I know you're mad at Eric for not telling you sooner. Please understand, I'm mad at him for telling you when he did. It was not his secret to tell. He felt pressure from all sides, and it's hard to know what to do in that situation. When I told him about the baby, I had no intention of ever telling your father, and I swore him to secrecy. I shouldn't have. I know how secrets weigh on him. They trap him."

"Can we leave?" Steve asked.

"Don't you want to talk to Eric privately?" his father asked back.

"No," Steve crushed me back.

******

As I laid in bed that night, I worried Steve was slowly drifting away from me. I thought love was ephemeral and vulnerable; I fretted that my response to Steve may have fractured the fragile egg that was our "relationship."

Steve was clearly struggling. I did not hear from him on Sunday, and he was ambivalent to me on Monday. I was pouting at home on Monday night when he knocked on the door.

"I was not very gracious Saturday, Eric. I should have accepted your apology."

I was trying to figure out how to play it when I decided not to play it at all. "You're being gracious now. That's good enough for me."

"I'm struggling, Eric. I don't think the ground beneath me was very firm to begin with, and I was unsettled by the news, by the cavalier way you acted, and by the way you reacted to my reaction. It was an ugly side I had never seen before."

"We all have an ugly side, Steve. I saw yours long ago. You saw mine Saturday."

"I think I need some time to think, Eric. I got caught up in a whirlwind, and I'm not sure I like where it's dropped me. It's all a bit much for me, actually."

I wanted to scream. I didn't understand how our car had just gone faster and faster and faster and was all of the sudden stopping. Instead, I told Steve to take all the time he needed, I would be there when his time was up. I was stronger than I was. I broke when he was gone.

Michael was there to piece me back together. He rocked me, talked me, and walked me back to peace. Then, he dosed me with truth.

"Eric, you need to take inventory of where you are and where you are going. Steve is not where you are. He doesn't want what you want. You want him to be your now and your tomorrow. He just wants you to be his now."

I put my hands over my ears. I didn't want to hear what I knew.