Chapter 87

Ryan didn’t know what to do.

He looked at Jacky. “I told Monica,” he insisted. Jacky had a look in his eyes he hadn’t seen in a long time, not since those first few weeks of therapy.

As hands slapped him on the back and shoulders, he saw Jacky shove it down. “It’s fine,” Jacky said.

Ryan knew it wasn’t fine, not at all.

Somehow his legs moved him up to the stage. Monica smiled at everyone as she hooked her arm in his. He wanted to jerk his arm away. It wasn’t until they had their backs to everyone that she whispered, “I’m sorry, Ryan. I tried.”

“Sure.” The word came out curt. As they took their places onstage alongside Alex and Peyton and three senior couples, he felt bad. It wasn’t Monica’s fault. And they weren’t going to win, so none of this mattered.

He couldn’t find Jacky in the mass of people. So many people were here, looking up at him. A weird reflexive smile came across his face. His chest hurt, like someone had shoved him back in time three months. He was the golden boy, standing up here with the golden girl.

Like he had never come out.

Jacky turned away. He couldn’t watch this. He didn’t want to watch this.

Lance’s big arms stopped him. “Don’t you want to see your boyfriend crowned Winter King?”

Frowning, Jacky said, “I thought only seniors won.”

“He will win,” Lance said.

Jacky narrowed his eyes. “Why do you think he’ll win?”

“Everyone likes Ryan,” Lance said.

“He’s on Student Council and he’s the quarterback and he’s volunteered at the tutoring center,” added Emily. “All the underclassmen know Ryan. And everyone knows that his mom died.”

“And did I mention how Ryan is a great guy?” Lance said, bumping Jacky with his shoulder. “You should know.”

Jacky had to blush. How could he have doubted that Ryan was a contender?

So, even though he would rather find out if Cody was okay after his double rejection (Nina and Haylee were still holding hands as they watched), Jacky knew he had to be there for Ryan… even if he wasn’t actually up there with Ryan.

Principal Novak looked down at the slip of paper he had flamboyantly pulled from the envelope and smiled. “Your Winter King and Queen are two of our brightest students,” he announced. “They work hard to help their fellow students and represent our school in the best way possible. One of them has gone through a particularly difficult time this year–“

Ryan sucked in a breath.

“So, it is my great pleasure to… Can we get a drum roll, please?”

Too slowly for Ryan’s ramping anxiety, the DJ found a clip of a drumroll and played it.

“The winners are… Ryan Sullivan and Monica Johnston!”

Feeling like he was trapped in someone else’s body, Ryan moved forward. One of his classmates on student council lifted up a sash and he ducked to let her drape it over his shoulder, then dipped down again for the crown. His face burned. Everyone was cheering for him.

Above the clapping, he could hear the loud rumble of his teammates, calling out “Sullyyyyyy!” Amid the whistling and whooping, Ryan smiled. These people had voted for him. Monica took hold of his elbow again and smiled up at him. “They told me we won by a landslide,” Monica whispered to him. “Everyone voted for you.”

He felt the love of everyone in the gymnasium so sharply he had to blink.

In one short sentence from the principal, “And now our King and Queen will dance,” Ryan spiraled back down.

He started to move forward on autopilot, but before he could escort Monica down the steps, he stopped short.

“What’s wrong?” Monica whispered, as the strains of “The Time of My Life” started playing.

“I can’t do this,” he said.

She had known him for a long time, both as a girlfriend and as a friend. She nodded. “Do what you have to do,” she said.

He released her arm, and stepped over to the microphone. “Hi everyone.” He winced as the feedback squealed. He pulled his mouth further away. The DJ, suddenly quick on the draw, stopped the music with a sound effect of a record scratching.

Beside him, Principal Novak said, “I didn’t think they gave speeches?”

“They don’t,” someone answered.

Ryan continued before they could stop him. “I would like to thank everyone who voted for us. But, um, the truth is, Monica and I are just friends and we’d rather dance with our dates. So… if our dates could come forward?”

He hadn’t been able to find Jacky in the crowd during his whole time onstage, and now, as he descended the steps to the empty space in front of the stage, he still hadn’t found Jacky.

Then he had a horrible thought. What if Jacky doesn’t come up here?