Chapter 7 – Chapter 7

Part Seven

When Mace left, I was confident I was done with men for good. None could compare, and I did not want a sorry substitute.

I had met Susan when I moved to D.C. She was clerking down the hall and was one of the funniest people I had ever met. She was a "wash and go" girl, happy to pull her hair back and head out, without effort or makeup.

We became fast friends. She was in a long distance engagement. After a few months, I told her all about Mace. I had never told anyone, and it was too much to carry around. I had to tell someone. And, I needed to quell any concern she had that I would not respect her engagement.

When Mace left, she nursed me through the sadness. I knew he was right to leave, and I was at some level relieved he had. But, I still ached at the loss of him.

Susan and I did something almost every night after work. When we not together, we were on the telephone. It was not long before we were dating without dating.

In late April, Susan left to visit Andy, the fiancé, in New York. I was retrieving her Monday morning from National.

I had a miserable weekend waiting for and without Susan. It ever surprises me how quickly someone becomes essential. You have a full life without them, you meet them, and then you cannot remember how you had a full life without them. It had been that way with Mace. It was now that way with Susan.

I stopped at a coffee hut so I would have coffee for her when she climbed in. She beamed at me and waved frantically as I pulled up to the curb. We stopped at a park to have our coffee. We sat across from each other at a picnic table. She clearly had something to say, but she would not say it.

"What?" I finally asked.

"I just have to say it. I think we need to break up. I know we're not dating. But, it seems like it, and it's not fair to Andy. I thought about you all weekend. He knew I was distracted. I told him about Mace, to give him some comfort. It worked, but it's still not fair for me to be with him wishing I was with you."

"What does this breakup look like?"

"We have to stop hanging out."

"That will be tough. Our entire social circle is the group of clerks with whom we work."

"We'll have to divide them up."

We talked on, rationally doing the irrational. "What shall we do about Friday?" I asked. Friday was Lisa's birthday, and six of us were going to her house for dinner.

"Let's leave it as is. I think we can make it through one dinner."

The week was miserable. No telephone calls. No visits.

The dinner for Lisa started very awkwardly. Susan and I kept our distance from each other, noticeably. If Susan was in the kitchen, I was in the living room. If I was in the kitchen, Susan was in the living room.

We sat at opposite ends of the table. We drank too much wine. About halfway through the dinner, Susan removed her engagement ring and placed it on the table. I was the first to notice. I raised my eyebrows, and she mouthed "I love you." I stood and walked out toward her. She stood and walked toward me. I took her in my arms and, for the first time ever, kissed her. It was a kiss about which people talk and write.

When we parted, the apartment was empty. Everyone had left. We left, too. I grabbed Susan's ring and pocketed it.

We held hands as I drove to her apartment. She fumbled with the keys. I was not sure I was to follow her in. She grabbed my hand and pulled me in behind her. I picked her up and carried her to her bedroom. I undressed her and then myself. I knew I would enter her as soon as I could, so I started at her feet. I made my way up her. I took her in my mouth, working her over until she clutched and pulled my hair. I heard her gasp when I slipped my finger inside of her. She hooked her hands under my arms and pulled me to her mouth. I plunged my tongue in her mouth as she guided me toward her. I continued kissing her as I slid in. She moaned into my mouth. I held perfectly still, letting her adjust around and to me. I raised up on my arms and started sliding in and out of her, slow and steady. I had not been inside a woman for almost a year.

I had not been able to make Vi come from penetration. She said she never had. I had to use my mouth or my hand. Or, she had to use her hand while I fucked her.

I made Susan come before I was even close. She arched her neck and squeezed her breasts as she came. I lowered my head and kissed and sucked on her neck. She raised her legs and opened up to me even more than she had been. I was as deep as I could go. I hooked her knees under my elbows and started driving in and out of her with purpose. My chest hair was slick with sweat. I dripped between her breasts. I thickened and then unloaded, shuddering as I came. I released her legs, pulled out of her, and rolled off of her. Neither of us said a word.

Susan rolled into me. She put her mouth on my left nipple and started sucking it. There is a direct line from my nipples to my dick. I got hard. Susan took me in her hand, maneuvered over me, and slid down on me. She started rocking back and forth. Every once and again, she would slide all the way down, adjust herself, and then clench me with her walls.

I rolled her onto her back, and she tried with her hands to push me through her. Her whole body shook when she came.

She wheeled around and begged me to take her from behind. I drove into her.

"Squeeze my tits while you fuck me," she insisted. I sat back on my haunches, and she followed me. She locked her hands behind my neck, and I took her tits in my hands and squeezed them,

"Harder," she insisted. I banged into her as hard as I could.

"Not that," she said. "My tits. Squeeze them harder."

I did. She cried out as I continued to drive in and out of her. We were soaked with sweat when we came. Like her, I loved it.

*****

When I woke up the next morning, Susan was gone. I found her in the kitchen, on the telephone. She wrote "Mom" on a piece of paper. She was breaking the "no wedding" news to her mother. I poured coffee and went to the balcony. I thought she needed privacy.

She joined me about an hour later. "How did that go?" I asked.

"Better than expected," she said. "My parents apparently were never wild about Andy. They're anxious about the circumstances, but they're glad I decided not to marry him."

"Did you tell him?"

"No, I think I need to do that in person. I'm flying up next weekend."

"I want to go with you."

"No. I need to do this on my own."

We were together the entire week. I went to my apartment only to dress for work.

Susan was unlike any woman with whom I had ever been. She loved sex. She wanted to have it all the time. She initiated it if I did not.

She touched me like a guy. She put her hands and mouth all over me. As I never had with Vi, I felt desired.

She liked giving me head. She was not great at it, but she was always willing. She let me straddle her face. She let me come in her mouth. She licked my balls. She licked my ass. She even fingered it.

When she was really horny, she begged me to fuck her ass. She masturbated as I did.

As Friday got close, I grew increasingly anxious. I wondered if Andy could reel Susan back in. I doubted it, but you never know in affairs of the heart. Love ebbs and flows.

Susan was headed directly to the airport from work. I would not see her again after Friday morning. I gave her as much as I could Friday morning. I took her over the edge with my tongue and then again with my dick. When I was finished, I covered her with my sweaty body, staying inside of her until I wilted and slipped out.

My anxiety was unnecessary. Susan was back in D.C. mid-afternoon on Saturday, and Andy was gone for good.

We spent the summer together. For all intents and purposes, we lived together.

When our clerkships ended, I stayed in D.C. for two years in the Solicitor General's office. Susan headed to an environmental non-profit in Denver. We tried to see each other each weekend, often meeting in Chicago or St. Louis.

About six months after our clerkships ended, Susan called me in the middle of the night. She had gone to an engagement party that night. After her friend Ellen had toasted her fiancé, he stunned those gathered by crying and announcing – in front of everyone – that he was gay and there would be no wedding.

Cyring herself, Susan insisted "You have to promise you will never do that to me."

As she told the story, my body filled with dread. I made a promise I was not sure that I could or would keep.