Chapter 5 – Chapter 5

Part Five

Mace was so resolute and strong. He wanted us, clearly and without reservation.

I felt feckless next to him. I wanted us, too, but not fully. I wanted us as a side dish, not as an entree.

In my mind, I would marry, Mace would marry, our children would play together, our wives would befriend each other, and they would talk about whatever women talk about while Mace and I sucked and fucked and lived and loved behind their backs. Mace was too smart to think my fucked up version of the fairy tale could ever come true.

When I was with Mace, I was fully alive. I had started wanting to own him. But, he owned me, body and soul.

We were just getting into the swing of us when it was time for Mace to head to New York to see Ellie. I was not sure how sure he was about where we were, and I fretted that a weekend of Ellie would remind Mace of what he had been. I pounced.

"Do not go to New York this weekend, Carrot. Stay here with me."

He refused. But, he slid down my stomach and took the tip of me in his mouth. I flinched at his touch. But, I regained my confidence that a weekend with Ellie would not be the end of John and Mace.

The next morning, I asked Mace when he first wondered about me.

"Truthfully?"

"Of course."

"Driving to Blueberry Hill. You sang along to Vogue. Straight men don't sing along to Vogue."

"I am straight, Carrot," I said. "This is not a thing, it is just you." I wanted Mace to feel special. And, I wanted Mace to be comfortable in what we were doing.

Mace asked me the same question.

"You kept me guessing. I thought maybe right off the bat. But, then there was Ellie, your instinct to sleep on the couch, and your instinct to return to your bed. When you slipped your briefs off with only a little prompting, I thought 'uh oh, here we go.'"

"Was that the plan?" he asked, putting me on the spot. I let a hint of honesty leak out.

"I am not sure it was a plan. But, I am not sure it was not a plan. I was certainly interested in seeing what would happen, how far it would go before one of us balked."

"Neither of us has balked yet," he answered. "And, the next step is a big one."

I was titillated. We were going to fuck, and it was Mace's idea.

I was distracted and hard all day. I could think of nothing other than burying myself inside Mace. In my life, I had never felt the intimacy, the raw vulnerability, that I felt when I first entered Lute. And, I had not loved Lute.

That night, we got right to it. It took work, but I eventually filled him, my pubic hair against his cheeks, my chest against his back, my feet against his feet, my cheek against his cheek, and my hands locked in his hands.

I was overwhelmed. If I had allowed myself, I would have wept.

"I love you so much, Carrot," I said.

"I love you too, Josie."

"How much?"

"Tons."

I started sliding in and out of him. I had to.

I came inside of him. I was overwhelmed yet again.

"I love you so much," I confessed. I did. Unlike I had ever loved another.

I fucked him twice more that night, including once on his back. Neither of us could break eye contact. I felt like I could see what he was feeling and thinking. I could have stayed there, in that moment, forever, open and vulnerable.

That night, Mace raised for the first time the possibility of a future together, just the two of us. I knew that could never happen. Even if I wanted it, and I was sure I did not. I would not be gay.

When Mace headed to New York, I headed to Chicago. I used Vi and the weekend to prove to myself that I was not gay. I did to her everything I wanted to do and everything she wanted me to do. By Sunday morning, I could not get hard. I was sexed out. I buried my face between her legs and took her over the edge again and again. If I could enjoy doing that, and I did, I could not be gay.

Still, Mace was never far from my mind. And, I got increasingly happy as I drove south on 55 toward St. Louis. Each passing mile marker took me closer to Mace and widened my smile.

I was delirious with happiness when I retrieved him from the airport. I was undisciplined when he deplaned, hugging and kissing him at the gate. I was not an undisciplined person. In fact, I was the most disciplined person I knew. Mace was challenging me.

After sex that night, I admitted to Mace that I wished the world was a place where we could stay happy and with each other forever. I did not tell him that I knew it was not.

The next night, it was time for the other shoe to drop. I had deprived myself for as long as I could, pretending I was a virgin and that I feared Mace's size.

I was surprised when Mace rimmed me. It was the move of a veteran, not a neophyte.

I was also thrilled. I loved being rimmed.

I clenched as Mace tried to work me open. I had to perpetuate the lie that I had told.

Mace worked his way in slowly, too slowly. I played the fool until I could not take it anymore.

"Go ahead. I want to feel what you feel when I come inside you."

Mace fucked me and then sucked me dry. The next morning, he was at me again, this time while I was on my back. When he hit my prostate, I almost came all over myself.

We continued on like that for the rest of the summer. The sex was incredible. The love was better.