Chapter 13

As odious as a toad
Contemptible or despicable.

• o 🦋 o •

I had been right. His lips were heavenly. His kiss gentle.

I was the luckiest man alive cause somewhere inside me I thought Riley had been wrong and there was no way Mica of all people would ever like me. But as I kissed him, he didn’t turn away. I felt so happy.

I pulled away and gazed at his face. I expected him to look as content as I probably did but instead he looked shocked. He wouldn’t even look at me. He covered his mouth.

Oh no. No, please.

“Mica-”

Before I knew it he’d walked off and locked himself in the bathroom.

I thought I was going to cry. Had he not enjoyed it as much as I had?

Of course not! How could I have been so stupid to listen to Riley! How many boyfriends has she had? Like two? In middle school!

Of course Mica didn’t like me like that! I was a toad! I was just some funny creature to laugh at and play with when there was no one else around. Of course he’d never want me to kiss him!

Now I’d ruined everything. He was never going to see me again! He’d hate me forever. Whenever he’d think of me now he’d freeze and shudder at the trauma of having my slimy lips touch his perfect ones.

What was I thinking?! I covered my face and wallowed in self doubt.

All those signs that I thought meant he liked me, really meant he was who he was: Mica. Endlessly kind, selfless, charming, charismatic, empathetic, giving, utterly perfect. How he responded to me had more to do with him than with me. He was like that with everyone. 

I was humiliated. I’d leave. I’d leave and never come back. I’d text him how sorry I was and we’d never see each other again.

I got up and walked towards the door. When I passed the bathroom I stood still and wondered what he was doing in there. How he must feel. I’d made him upset, I just knew it.

It wouldn’t be right for me to leave. This was my mistake and I was going to fix it, dammit.

“M-mica?” I asked. I caressed the door for some reason.

No response.

“Mica, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I just thought you felt.. I thought you wanted that too.. That was my fault. Maybe I should’ve asked or something. God, my parents gave me a whole speech about consent and now I just completely violated you..” I sat down on the bed.

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask for your consent. And I’m sorry I’m probably a terrible kisser, I don’t really do this often… In fact that was my first kiss and I really hate myself for.. well, all this. I guess we won’t really be friends anymore after this, which I completely understand. You probably think I’m totally unhinged. Kissing you… Liking you..”

I clasped my hands together.

“But yes, I do like you. And not in the way you like me but in the way most guys like girls. And.. while I’ve had crushes on girls I never quite felt how you make me feel. I know this is probably repulsive to you, and you in all your immaculateness will be shivering with disgust by now but I have to tell you the truth. I need you to know that thinking of you makes my skin tingle, releases a horde of butterflies in my stomach, makes me smile uncontrollably…” I sighed. The more I spoke the more obvious it became how pathetic I was.

“I was arrogant enough to think you might feel the same way. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what you’re thinking but.. It’s not your fault that I, you know, as- assaulted you-”

The door became unlocked. And I felt my nerves multiply.

Mica opened the door and I felt even more guilty than before. His eyes were bloodshot, his nose and cheeks red from crying. I was awful. How could I ever make this right again?

Mica fumbled with the rim of his shorts and sniffed every now and again. He didn’t really look at me. His eyes were darting all over the floor.

I didn’t know what to say. What did he want to hear? I put myself in his shoes and figured I wouldn’t want the person to say anything. I’d just want them to leave.

I was about to get up but Mica walked over to me. He stood between my feet and leaned down.

Mica pecked my lips gently. It was the sweetest kiss.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. This had to be some sort of dream or a weird karma curse or something. Mica couldn’t really be kissing me.

But he was.

His thumb caressed my cheek.

I was breathing quite deeply. Mica’s breaths were softer, more graceful, of course.

Thankfully, Mica pulled away and saved me from yet another embarrassing moment. He sat next to me.

My heart was pounding, my blood on fire. I stared at him in disbelief.

Mica still didn’t look at me.

“What- what-” Was all I could say.

Mica fumbled with his fingers and slowly, finally met my eyes. He was blushing and couldn’t hold my gaze for very long.

“You do like me?” It was laughable how shocked I sounded.

Mica nodded.

“Really?”

Mica nodded again. “Mhm.”

He seemed in total shock himself. He even looked a little scared.

“But I surprised you and it was still wrong-”

“Don’t. Please, James, you didn’t assault me.” Mica nearly begged.

“But you- You ran off..”

“Yes, because I’m not supposed to feel this way. I- I’m not supposed to like..”

“Someone of my social standing.” I concluded with a nod.

“No.”

“Someone so average-”

“A guy, James. I’m not supposed to like a guy.” Mica sighed and covered his face.

“What? But it’s totally accepted these days..” I mean, sure, I thought he’d hate me for it but that was just me being irrational. Oh my God! Mica liked me!

“Not by everyone. I’m not even allowed to date.” Mica honestly looked terrified. His carefully sculpted image for the future was falling apart.

I just had so many questions. I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that Mica liked me. I was waiting for him to say it was a joke or payback for kissing him but I knew deep down Mica would never do that. 

“Since when?” I asked. 

“Hm?” 

“Since when have you felt this way about me?” 

“Um..” Mica stared ahead of him and breathed a few staggered breaths. He held his hand to his heart. He looked like he was going to pass out. 

“Are you okay?” I scooted close to him and wrapped my arm around his shoulder. 

The last time I saw him like this was at the ballet, because of his dad. I was so worried. 

“I’m sorry. I just.. I didn’t know until you..”

“Until I kissed you just now?” 

Mica nodded.

“I thought… I hoped I just liked you as a friend. But when you kissed me I felt something..” Mica scrunched up his shirt. “Here.” 

I wanted to swallow him whole. I wanted to hug the tears out of his eyes. Even now, talking about something so difficult for him he was endearing. 

I squeezed his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry I walked away, I just couldn’t believe I felt that way-” 

“You don’t have to apologize. If I were you I’d be surprised too.” I shrugged. 

“I think I liked you since the day we met at the cinema.” I sighed. 

“Really?” Mica met my gaze for a short moment. 

I nodded. 

Mica crossed his arms and squeezed them. He smiled softly and looked away. 

We sat in silence for a moment.

I thought over everything we’d talked about so far. And came to a sad conclusion.

“So we.. we can’t be together.” I was wrecked with disappointment.

Mica seemed just as hurt by the idea. He was violently picking at the skin around his nails.

I placed my hand on his. Mica looked at me. His eyes were begging for something.

Perhaps for the same that made my heart pound. Our mouths met again and this time I softly licked his lips. Mica giggled and hid his face in my neck.

“…What?” I caressed his back. He clung to my shirt.

I just sat there, confused, stunned.. holding him for a few minutes.

Mica liked me. He actually liked me. How that was possible was a little too God-level for me to understand. But even so we could never be together. Mica would never lie to his dad just to be with me and I was a terrible liar, just awful at keeping secrets. 

I squeezed Mica’s shirt and I smelled his hair. I’d be fine if we’d just be friends. So long as I could hold him like this and just smell his hair.. Feel his warm body in my arms, knowing that he likes me too.

Then Mica sighed.

“Don’t tell anyone.” He said into my neck, making my skin tingle.

“Don’t tell anyone what?” I asked.

Mica shifted even further down my neck.

“That we’re together.”

I couldn’t explain to you how incredibly happy I was. I was also still in shock and barely believed him.

“Ow, James..”

“Sorry!” I loosened my grip on him.

• o 🦋 o •

I lingered by the front door because I didn’t want to leave. I wanted his bed, I wanted his lips, I wanted to move in! Why would I ever leave him alone again?

“I could move into your closet and no one would know.” I said.

Mica smirked. “That’s a good point.”

“Or some room that never gets used. Your dad won’t even notice. I could sneak into your room when everyone’s asleep.”

Mica’s smile became even bigger and he turned away. He hid his face behind the wall next to the door. “Okay. Bye.” He said.

I could tell he was blushing. I wanted a goodbye kiss so badly.

“Okay bye? That’s it?”

Mica peeked at me again. “What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing. Just kiss me.” I was amazed at myself. I’d suddenly grown so bold.

Mica shook his head. “People can see.”

I sighed.

Mica coyly met my eyes. I was hardcore pouting by this point.

Mica stepped outside and embraced me quickly.

Then he went back inside. “Goodbye James.”

He was nervous. This was our first day as a couple so I decided to cut him some slack. I’d accept it. If all was well I’d be kissing him again soon. Eek.

“Bye Mica.”

• o 🦋 o •

Back at home I was in a daze. A happy daze. I was just in a constant state of disbelief. How on earth had I been able to snag such an amazing person?

I had..

I had a boyfriend.

I couldn’t believe it.

“Oy!” Kyle smacked my shoulder.

“Kyle!” I cried.

“You’re not touching your food. I’m taking your chicken.” Kyle said as he stole it away.

“Yeah, sure.” I leaned on my hand and played with my vegetables.

We were at the dining room table eating dinner… apparently. I hadn’t really noticed.

“What’s going on with you?” Lila asked.

“Can’t you see, Lila? He’s in loooveee!” Kyle teased.

“In love?!” My mother shrieked. “You’re in love? Really? With whom!” She was so excited, she was practically jumping in her seat.

My dad also looked very curious.

I thought of Mica and my face got hot.

“This must be one heck of a girl.” My dad commented.

“Greggory,” My mom whispered. “Stop being so hetero-normative.”

Mom gave me a proud nod. “Learned that one online.”

Kyle laughed.

“Wait, mom, you think it’s a guy?” I knew she was just being nice but.. my mom assuming my sexuality really made me feel some type of way.

“I don’t think anything. I’m simply teaching your father simple manners.” My mom said all high-and-mighty. “But it wouldn’t surprise me.” She said quickly before stuffing her face.

“What?!” Offense! I take offense!

“Me neither.” Kyle chuckled, giving me a look.

“Dad?” I asked.

He thought about it for a moment. “I don’t really see you with a guy.. I think it’s a girl.”

“I think both!” Lila chimed in.

“What? Like, two people at once or like-”

“Will you just tell us already?” Mom begged. “This is delicious by the way, darling.” Mom kissed dad on the cheek.

Gosh, I could do that too now.

…Not with my dad. With.. Mica..

Mica…

“Aand he’s turning into to mush again.” Kyle commented as he took my entire plate. “I take it you won’t be needing this anymore.”

“Cupcake, I really get the feeling you know it’s a guy. How do you know?” Dad asked mom.

My mom smiled proudly. “Womanly instinct.”

“Who is it then?” Dad asked.

Mom looked apprehensive. She glanced at me. “Is it okay if I say it?” She asked gently.

“Mom, you’re acting like you already know! You have no proof okay? May I be excused, I’m full anyway.” I got up.

“Full from what?” Kyle asked while munching on my chicken.

“Lunch at Mica’s- Oh, speaking of which..” I grabbed the bag from the hallway.

“He gave us food!” I said excitedly.

“He thinks we’re that poor? I know he’s rich but Jes-”

“No,” I interrupted my mom. “He said it’d go to waste if I didn’t take it since they throw it all away at the end of the week! Super sweet, right?”

Even the bag was like super high quality. It was a cooler-bag. So cool.. And the candle Mica had given me was also in it. In a separate compartment of course.

When I noticed no one responded I looked back at my family. Kyle was quietly laughing to himself, mom looked down at her plate in an effort not to laugh and dad was gaping at me with his mouth practically on the floor.

“What?”

“Dear God, it’s Mica, isn’t it?” He said. He was completely perplexed.

“Mica? Why? What makes you…”

“You’re an open book, brother. And Mica is scribbled all over the first page.” Kyle commented.

“Mica?” Lila said. “But he’s my husband!”

So now I was going to have to explain to her that their marriage meant as much to him as the bag of food he’d given me.

“Wow.” Dad said. “I..” He was literally speechless.

“Well done, sweetie. I’m proud of you.” Mom said.

“For what?!”

“For coming out to us.” Mom nodded.

“I did not come out!”

“Have you kissed him yet? Cause I remember when you two were like face-calling.. Was that like.. internet sex or something?”

“Kyle!” I screamed.

“James Bartholomew Springfield!” My mom exclaimed.

“I don’t have a middle name, mom!”

“That was your father’s choice. Now, what have I told you about inappropriate messaging? That stuff stays online forever!”

“I didn’t send any message, we were face-calling!”

“That’s even worse; screenshots.” Kyle said before sipping his drink.

“Shut up, Kyle!”

“James Springfield, I will not accept sexting or flexting or netflix chills in this household, you hear me?”

“Mom, we weren’t sexting! He didn’t see any part of my body, I promise.”

“Didn’t look like it to me.” Kyle mumbled.

I couldn’t control myself and threw a rice ball in my brother’s face. “There!”

Most of it fell from his face to the ground.

“Alright.” Kyle nodded calmly as he ate the remaining rice grains from his face. “You can throw rice balls all you want, buddy.. But I’m not the one disobeying mom here.”

“Ugh!” I walked away.

“Mom, what’s sexting?” I heard Lila ask.