Chapter 8

The thing is, I’m human. I fuck up. Just like everybody else, I make mistakes. I am not immune to making the wrong decisions and doing the wrong things.

I’d never broken anyone’s heart before now. At least not knowingly or intentionally. The look of devastation in his eyes was almost too much for me to take. I never wanted to be responsible for putting that look on someone else’s face. I can never unsee that look or unsay those words.

And who the fuck am I? Bobby and Mac are both exemplary human beings, both deserving of way better than me. I find myself irrationally angry to even be in this position in the first place. I didn’t ask to hurt anyone. I certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone. Why should anyone give a shit about me? Who the fuck am I?

I am not the kind of person to find himself in the middle of a love triangle. Not me. And if I ever was, I would be the one left out in the cold, alone. Not the one in the middle of it all.

So, I broke his heart. Two weeks ago, I would never have imagined being in this situation. I had surprised myself with how much I’d changed in such a short time. I had to tell him that while I love him, I’m in love with someone else.

And now I finish telling Mac. I tell him how Bobby’s kiss never landed. How I dodged it. How I heard his words and I saw his eyes and I broke his heart. How I told Bobby that there was someone else. Someone I was madly in love with. Someone who I think about night and day. Someone who I want to share forever with. Someone named Mac.

I twist in my chair so I’m facing him straight on, “We said a lot of stuff the other day after the Cubs game. It was all true and I know you don’t need me to repeat any of it, so here’s some new stuff. When I chose to room with you when I came back home, I hoped to reconnect with my friend. I had no idea that you’d bring me back to life and pull me out of the dull, dreary shitshow that my existence had become. I had no idea I’d fall in love with you — you woke me up.”

I touch his arm, “You told me before that I can tell you anything. Here it is. I want to do things — everything…with you. I want to hang out with Jonah and Joe, with you. I want to go where I’ve never been before with you. I want to show you Boston. I want to go to my brother’s one-day wedding with you. I want to kick your ass in tennis and get my ass kicked by you in every other sport known to man. I’m not trying to scare you off here. I probably sound like an insane lunatic, but I want to know that one day we can talk about our own wedding.”

I nudge his toe with mine. “I know I’ve only been home a short time but really, I’ve known you for 17 years. I want to maybe someday buy a house with you. I want to talk with you about being fathers together. Adoption? Surrogacy? Fostering? Owning a dog? All of those? None of those? I want to know that anything’s possible with you. I want to know that we can do whatever the fuck we want to do. That we can pick and choose our best life together. And right now, I want to tell you to take today off of work and come with me to Starved Rock. I want to make a day of it and explore the canyons with you.”

It occurs to me that Mac hasn’t spoken one single word yet. He has just watched and listened, silently from the moment I walked out onto this balcony.

I get up, take two steps to my right and sit down again. Right in his lap. If he tries to not smile, he fails miserably. I put my arms around him and put my lips right up to his ear. “Mac, you are not my second choice, my Plan B or my consolation prize. It’s you. You’re the one. You’re who I want to talk about forever with.”

I nibble his earlobe and he rewards me immediately by sprouting goosebumps everywhere. “I am irrationally, insanely, ridiculously, idiotically in love with you.”

He finally speaks, “That was a beautiful speech. You said some very nice things. You want to know the truth?”

Do I? I stop breathing. Did I take too long? Did I say too much? How did I fuck this up? Maybe he’s not this far in yet. Am I a crazed freak? If I tried a verbal response right now, I’m not sure what noise would escape me. I just gulp and nod with bulging eyes.

He clears his throat, “The truth is, when you came through that door and handed me this water, I was good. Don’t get me wrong, I loved every word you said. I just didn’t need any more than to look into your sparkling green eyes and know that you were home.” He wraps his arms around me in reciprocation.

I squeeze him tighter.

Mac says, “You had shit you had to take care of. I get it. I understand and I trust you.”

Right now, I kiss Mac long, slow and deep. I swirl my tongue along his and I feel his organ stiffen against my leg. I say, “This is pretty fucking perfect.” I slip my hand down his torso and find my way under his shirt. He trembles as I grope around. Mac is ticklish! That’s something to explore more later.

I’m still sitting in his lap and the chair under us creaks in protest. He says, smiling, “You know, we’re basically sitting on a flimsy $10 piece of plastic.”

I laugh, “And thanks to my personal trainer, I’ve gained five pounds of muscle.”

One of his hands snakes its way under my shirt and he prods at my tummy, “Hmm, I’m not finding them here.”

I quiver and giggle from his gentle, exploring touch. “Not there…I said it’s all muscle.”

“I see,” he says, continuing his examination. “Just to be clear, you’re my first choice too. My only choice.”

I tighten my grip around him even more. I should have come home sooner. I stand up and lead him inside.

Once he has the sliding door closed, I spin him around and I sink to my knees. My hands work at his button and zipper and his shorts fall to the floor. I can tell through his boxers that he still has a partial from the kissing on the balcony. I slide those boxers away and his hardening manhood bobs in front of me keeping time with his pulse.

I don’t touch him yet. I feel like a magician again, because using nothing more than eyes, I bring him to full erection. It is the biggest turn on in the world to know that not only did I do that to him, but it happened just from him knowing I was looking at him. His emotions for me generated a physical response.

I still don’t know all of Mac’s secrets and techniques, but I go at him in earnest with my own repertoire. It only takes a few minutes for me to reduce him to little more than a puddle on the floor. He needs a moment to catch his breath.

Eventually, still gasping for air he manages a, “Wow!”

I grin at him, “I didn’t owe you that. I wanted to do that.” I stand and offer him my hand, “Let’s go.”

“Where’re we going?” he asks, still panting.

“Starved Rock. Duh.”

“What about your turn?”

“I have no doubt you’ll blow my mind later. We have forever to make up turns. With you Mac, I’m always looking forward to ‘later’, but right now, I’m kidnapping you.”

A smile forms, “You were serious?”

“I didn’t say one single thing that I didn’t mean. I want to explore every trail, every path and every canyon with you. Both literally today at Starved Rock and metaphorically for the rest of our lives. And I want to start right now.”

“I haven’t been there in years.” He kisses me, “Let me get my hikers.” He disappears into his room and comes back with the perfect shoes. Of course he has the perfect shoes. He says, “If that cupcake store is still there, you’re absolutely eating a cupcake today.”

“Right outside of Starved Rock in North Utica is a little cupcake shop. It has the best name ever. Two Girls and a Cupcake.”

I snort, “You’re kidding.”

“Nope. Clever, right?”

I laugh, “Cupcakes it is.” He leads me out the door.

Before we make it to the elevator, he pauses, looks me in the eyes, my green and apparently sparkling eyes, and says, “Yes, it’s all possible. Everything you said. I want all of it too. Every bit of it. So, we’re gonna have it.” He takes my hand and I again feel that Mac-jolt of electricity. Decades from now, I’ll still feel the buzz of his presence in the room and the sizzle of his touch on my skin. I am so totally fucking in love with this man.

Mac says, “In case you hadn’t figured it out yet, I’m also foolishly, senselessly, laughably, stupidly and backasswardsly — yes it’s a word, shut up — in love with you too. I always have been.” A tear of joy pools in his eye, “I need to buy a lottery ticket today.”

“Right now, in this moment, I’m the luckiest idiot alive.”

Mac kisses me again and my toes curl in my sneakers.

“I call driving,” he says.

Of course he does. I toss him the keys, grinning, “Mac, I’ll take shotgun with you every day.”

He gives my hand a solid squeeze and we head out. For today and forever.