Chapter 2

I scoff, “You are about to be disappointed on so many levels. This isn’t New York. We don’t have pizza places on every corner, there’s really just the one. They don’t sell by the slice. We would have to get a pizza. And since the place is essentially a monopoly, I have nothing to compare it to, other than frozen grocery store pizza.”

Ben laughs, “Let’s give it a try and I’ll tell you how it compares. So, you’ll be my tour guide then?”

I open my mouth but it’s Gio’s voice that comes out, “Yeah he will!”

Suddenly Gio’s hands are on my shoulders, steering me out from behind the counter. The stupid grin is still on his face. This is the furthest our silly pretend game has ever gotten, on my side with the guys anyway. He has sparked the interest of the occasional girl, only to have to later admit that he already has a girlfriend. He once got slapped and I laughed for an hour. But right now, Gio is not laughing. I think he thinks that for the first time in my life I might have a real shot here. Like, just maybe for the first time ever, I might not be the only queer guy in the room. But despite Gio’s radiating enthusiasm, I won’t get my hopes up. All I know for sure at this point is that Ben likes to read, seems like a nice guy and might be in the market for a friend. That’s not a bad start. Oh, and he’s freaking hot! Fine. It’s a damn good start.

As we head out the door, I pause and tell Gio, “Thanks for closing up alone tonight.” With my body as a shield, I give Gio double middle finger salutes. He cracks up and pushes me the rest of the way out the door.

I wake up to a text from Luke. When he left a month ago, we decided we’d only text each other – no phone calls. A live call might be too hard for us (read: me). He says he has no real news to report from Texas. He asks me about things at home. I tell him about my failed interaction with Mom from last week. He tells me I shouldn’t go over there anymore. It’s not worth it and she doesn’t deserve me. I tell him that I mow her lawn and check on the maintenance of her house more for Noah than for her. If I didn’t do it, then he’d have to and he already does so much for me. It’s literally the least I can do for him.

While my sexuality is a bonus reason to pretend I don’t exist, the truth is that she turned her back on both of us when Dad left. She kind of stole Noah’s childhood from him, forcing him to act like a responsible grownup by the age of 10 and take care of his kid brother. His feelings for her are pretty much identical to mine. And since he’s boarding her evil gay younger son, she has no use for him either.

I tell Luke about the house next door finally selling and how for the first time in six years, I made a new friend. Hoping that when Luke finally comes back in a month we could all be friends, I tell him about Ben.

Me: I learned last night that like us, Ben is 20 and transferring to our school in the fall. He likes to read, he’s a pizza snob, he’ll root for the Yankees his whole life no matter where he lives, he’s an only child, he likes all the wrong ice cream flavors and all the wrong video games and he doesn’t know what he wants to do after college.

Luke: Wow. That’s a lot. Sounds like you two really hit it off.

Do I detect a hint of jealousy? I smile.

Me: We’re just two guys who each could use a friend. Him because he’s new and knows no one and me because I’m me.

I don’t want to say too much. I need to tread lightly. He didn’t choose to go to Texas for the summer. He didn’t want to go. I can’t make him worry about things at home. About me.

After a pause, Luke texts: Is he…?

Me after an equally long pause:…A werewolf? A serial killer? An escapee from a mental institution?

Luke: LOL and a middle finger emoji.

Me: Seriously though, I didn’t ask and he didn’t say. Maybe tonight after another serving of apparently subpar pizza I’ll find out more about his personal life.

Luke: What about you? Did you tell him?

Me: Not yet. I will. Probably tonight.

Luke: Zee, I’m sorry.

Reading the nickname he saves for rare occasions pokes at my heart. Luke knows that as a gay man, “coming out” isn’t a singular event. Every new person I meet, I have to decide if I’ll tell and when I’ll tell… It sucks and Luke knows it. And I love him for understanding.

Luke: Let me know how it goes.

Tonight, Ben and I are out for more pizza. I ask him more personal questions than I did last night and I learn a lot more about my new friend. He tells me about his family, his old school, his old job, his old friends and his life in the big city. I ask him if he left anyone “special” behind in that city and he says, “No”. But he doesn’t expound on the thought and I still don’t know what to think.

He asks me the same personal questions and I realize that I need to tell him now. So I do. I tell Ben that I’m gay. That I’ve been “out” since I was 15 and what that meant to both my school life and my home life. He listens with concern as I take an hour to get it all out. What I can’t tell is if his concern is steeped in sympathy or empathy.

I decide to be direct, “I’m sure in New York City you were exposed to expressions of every sexual identity under the sun, but here, in this Podunk town, we either have some serious closet cases or I am the lone player on my team.”

He laughs and says, “It’s cool. I had gay friends in New York. I’m not going anywhere.”

I regard my new friend. He left no significant other behind in New York. He claims to be a friend to my people. My proclamation is not scaring him off. But still… I feel a little disappointed. Not that he seems to be clearly hetero. No. I expected that. He is who he is and I would never ask him to be anyone else. I can turn my little crush off pretty easily; I’ve been doing that my whole life. Just because there are a lot homophobic assholes around me doesn’t mean that some of them aren’t cute homophobic assholes. I’m disappointed that he’s so unaffected by my news. Whatever. It could have been worse. He could have made some straight guy joke about being careful to keep his shirt on in the yard now that he knows.

But then he surprises me by saying, “I think I’m pan.”

I tell Gio, “It’s going really well. We’ve hung out every day all week.”

“There are signals. Just little things. Shoulder bumps, mini hugs, extended eye contact.”

“That doesn’t necessarily mean he–“

I cut him off, “It could.”

He eyes me skeptically, “So, he told you he thinks he’s pan.”

“When is Luke coming home?”

“Beginning of August. It’s more than three weeks still.”

“Have you told Luke about Ben?”

“He knows about him.”

“He knows how you’re starting to feel about him?”

“He’s not exactly here right now, Gio. We text every couple of days. I can only convey so much. Don’t you think he’d be happy that his best friend just might be getting close to having something special for the first time in his life?”

“Luke isn’t just your best friend.”

“What does that mean?”

“He comes here every day and he isn’t even a reader.”

“That’s because we hang out every day.”

“But he always picks you up.”

“He has a car and I don’t.”

Gio makes a face, “It’s only a couple blocks. You could easily walk home and meet up with him in minutes.”

“What’s the deal, Gio? Do you have some kind of a problem with Ben?”

“Maybe?” he asks more than says. “Something seems disingenuous.”

“But you pushed me out the door to follow him. Like, literally. Hands on my shoulders, steering me out of here.”

He sighs, “That’s just our little game we play, right? I take the girls, you take the guys. Harmless fun. Maybe you should slow this thing with Ben down. Maybe you should talk to Luke.”

My eyes sting with tears. “I thought we were friends. You’d rather see me alone than happy?”

“Zack, no. I just… I think…”

“Maybe you’re looking for something you already have.”

I’m sitting with Ben in, of course, the pizza place, but I can’t stop thinking about what Gio said. WTF? I always thought Gio was one of the few good people in this town. I thought he was a real friend. I assumed that in meeting Ben, I’d finally need to start a second hand of acceptance as Ben would represent a sixth finger. Noah, Luke, Julia, Luke’s dad and Gio. But now…maybe not Gio. Maybe Ben replaces Gio and I still have just five fingers on one hand of acceptance.

Since I’ve been out with Ben five nights in a row, I’ve missed replying to a few of Luke’s texts. We’ve been staying out pretty late so I haven’t written back. He knows I have a new friend so I’m guessing he understands. Luke understands a lot and he would understand this.

Dinner is over and we head to the bowling alley. This is a favorite spot for Luke and me, but Ben says he’s never bowled before. He says, “There really aren’t bowling alleys in Manhattan due to its high population and densely packed infrastructure.”

I smirk, “Already making excuses and I haven’t even beaten you yet.”

His biceps involuntarily ripple under his t-shirt. I flex where my bicep would be if I had one and he laughs. I guide him through the process of renting shoes and picking out a ball.

“So, I just leave my shoes with this guy? He holds them hostage?” Ben asks, slipping easily out of his loose-fitting work boots.

“Right. It’s like collateral so they get their shoes back.”

“Like there is a person on earth who might want to steal these,” he holds up a size 10.5 pair of well-worn tattered green, red and tan leather shoes that are probably older than we are.

I hold up my size 9 counterparts, “Stylin’.”

He laughs, puts a hand on my back and I shiver from the touch. Another little touch. Ben told me he’s “pan” days ago but that doesn’t mean he’s attracted to me. He could be attracted to any and everyone. And physically, I’m nothing special. I’m 5′ 9″ with sandy brown hair and green eyes. I don’t stand out in a crowd. I’m the guy you look past to gawk at someone like Ben or Luke. But there are these little touches which have become more frequent with each passing day. They mean something, right? For my part, it would be easier to blow it than to get it right. I can wait him out. I’ve waited my whole life, I can wait another day, week, month…

Every time it’s Ben’s turn, I watch his every move. His approach, the roll, his reaction. He really is awful, but his form is mesmerizing. They way his back and shoulder muscles dance beneath his tight shirt. I flash back to high school gym class and team sports. One team was shirts and the other team was skins. I wish someone would tell Ben right now that he’s on the skins team and that the shirt has to come off. But no one does.

Every time it’s my turn, Ben doesn’t watch me. His eyes wander and he misses my strikes. I have to tell him about my spares. Is it a lack of interest in me or does he just not care for bowling?

One game is enough. We make the required shoe exchange and I excuse myself to the restroom. After relieving myself, I look in the mirror. It’s an average guy staring back at me. Not tall, not short. Medium, eyes, medium hair, scrawny body. Sigh. I wouldn’t watch me bowling either.

I head back out to where I left Ben and he’s talking to a couple guys that I recognize from high school. Guys who bullied me before Luke recognized what was going on and stood guard as my protector. They turn and leave without looking my way. When I reach Ben, he smiles.

“We’ve been invited to a party Saturday night!” he says with more enthusiasm than I’ve ever heard from him.

“Saturday, like the day after tomorrow?”

“Is something wrong?”

I toe the carpet with my sneaker, “With those guys?” I nod my head to the door the assholes just disappeared through.

“Uh huh. They seem cool.”

As we walk home, I tell Ben about being the only gay kid in a small town. I tell him about getting bullied. I tell him that there was a group of six friends who were the worst offenders and the two guys he was just talking to were part of that six.

Ben listens quietly, but when I’m done, he says, “When’s the last time you’ve seen or talked to those guys?”

“Not since high school.”

“Right,” says Ben. “High school. More than two years ago. They’re not kids anymore and neither are you. Don’t you think they’ve grown up since then? Matured?”

I really, really don’t. Some assholes are assholes for life. And two years is not that long.

Ben continues, “Look, Zack, I love hanging with you, but I haven’t met any other people yet, besides your brother and Gio. And I don’t get the feeling that Gio likes me too much. A party is a great way to meet a lot of people all at once.”

A lot of shitty people. I tell Ben, “I’ve never been a ‘party’ guy, but you should go. I’m gonna sit that one out.”

He frowns, “They invited both of us. I want to go with you. I want my new best friend there. There’s supposed to be a ton of people. We might not even see those guys or they might not remember you.”

“They’ll remember me.”

“But there will be too many people for anything to happen. And it’s in a public place. Four Seasons Park. There’s a log cabin, a pond, trails, open spaces, a campfire… It’ll be fun.”