Chapter 8 – Chapter 8

On what we now called "Tangueray Tuesday," JJ was enthralled with a new theory of how to regulate the administrative state.

"I thought of it over the weekend," he said. "The more I think about it, the more I like it. I think it's a two part book. The first part is 'The Administrative State and How We Regulate'. The second part is 'The Administrative State How We Should Regulate'. We regulate today like we always have, like nothing has changed. But, the administrative state is actually very old and very stale. It's time to update it."

I could hear him, but I wasn't listening to him. I was watching his lips. "I'm going to kiss him Thursday," I thought to myself. "Or I'm going to die trying."

When it was time to leave, our restaurant — which is how I now thought of it — was packed. Aware of my surroundings, I held out my hand, thinking a handshake was as much I would get.

JJ responded by looking at me quizzically, taking my hand in his, and pulling me into him. Just as a smile was crossing my lips, he made the slightest squeal, and I released him.

We left the building and then hawed and hemmed on the sidewalk, both shifting foot to foot, knowing the evening should end, but trying to avoid the end. Finally, he said "alright, then" and turned and started toward his car.

"JJ," I called, running after him and grabbing the back of his coat. "I just want you to know. I love you. I know that's a weird thing to say. But I do, and you should know that I do."

"Thank you, Harold. Thank you. And, you should know that I love you back."

I pulled him into me. I wrapped my arms around him. I smelled him and held the smell of him in my nose.

"Back?" I asked, still holding him.

"Yes, back. I never understood 'I love you' and 'I love you, too'. Me saying 'I love you, too' would make sense if you said 'I love me'. But, that's not what you said. You said 'I love you,' to which there are only two responses…. 'I love me, too' or 'I love you back'."

"You're a literalist."

"I'm a literalist."

I soared away from him, his "I love you back" the wind beneath my wings.

I knew we were not talking about the same love, mine for him Eros and his for me Philia. But, I had surprised myself with my admission, which had popped out of me like it was like a cork under intense pressure. And, he had surprised me with his, as he didn't seem to be the kind of man who had a cork that popped.

Less than forty-eight hours later, I was in his office. In anticipation, I had primped like a drag queen, cleaning this and that, polishing what I could polish, plucking here and there. "Jesus Christ," I thought to myself as I worked and worked. "You've lost it…. You've totally fucking lost it."

Before leaving my apartment, I did a final check. I was pleased with what I saw. My hair looked maintained, but not overly so. My face was clean. My shirt was pressed. My body smelled good, a drop of my cologne poured onto my chest and allowed to run down my centerline into my pubic hair. My ass and balls were shaved.

Still, my hands were soaked with sweat when I knocked. I thought I knew what I was doing, but I could also be stepping off the plank. I had no idea how JJ was going to react.

We hadn't been speaking for long when I stood, walked to him, and took his tie in my hand, running it between my fore and middle fingers.

"Harold, what are you doing?" he asked.

"Harry…. Please call me Harry."

"Okay, Harry," he said, his voice low. "What are you doing?"

"JJ, I'm going to kiss you. You don't have to kiss me back. But I need to kiss you. I'll die if I don't."

As soon as I finished the words, I moved my hands to his cheeks, held his face, and placed my lips to his. I felt like a Roman Candle was going off inside of me.

JJ did not, in fact, kiss me back. But, he also didn't push me away. He just let me kiss him.

When I was finished, I pulled my lips from his, lowered my head, and pressed the top of my head to his chin. "I'm sorry, JJ. I just had to. I shouldn't have. But I had to."

"It's alright, Harry. Some things, we have to get them out of our system, or they get too big and weigh too much. Is it out?"

"I think so."

"Then we're good."

Embarrassed, I turned to leave. When my hand was on the knob, I stopped, pressed my forehead against the door, and asked "Are we still on for Tangueray Tuesday?" When he said "of course," I breathed for the first time since my lips left his.