Chapter 8 – Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Homecoming was a week later, and I was, of course, dateless. Three months earlier, I'd have gone with Lori. But, she was still off about Evans, and she'd have been more off if she'd known about Halloween.

Evans was not dateless. He was going with Karen Nemelka, who was the likely Homecoming Queen and who had badgered him into taking her.

I went alone in a group of friends, including Lori. We posed for pictures together, but she barely talked to me.

Evans was staggeringly beautiful. He wore a black jacket and a black shirt that complemented the blackness of his hair and his eyes.

I went old school. I wore a tuxedo I had found at a thrift store. I parted my long, blonde hair on the side and combed it slick. I wore little makeup, just enough to hide the imperfections in my face. And to highlight my blue eyes. I looked like the Great Gatsby.

My friends and I danced to the fast dances, but sat out the slow dances. Evans and Karen danced to the slow dances, but sat out the fast dances.

I hadn't really talked to Evans all week. As I trudged toward Homecoming, I'd have given anything to undo the trauma of All Saints morning. It was awesome, but it wasn't worth the rift. I wanted to lie on the hood of his car and talk about life. I walked home alone instead.

Our Homecoming theme was "Follow You, Follow Me" from Genesis, which was hard to get excited about. Phil Collins was just awful. When the theme came on, everyone danced. I grabbed Lori and forced her to dance with me.

"You sure you don't want to dance with Evans," she hissed, as the song played and we swayed back and forth. I couldn't answer her honestly. It would have caused an even greater rupture.

"I'm sure," I said. "I'm dancing with the best friend I've ever had. Or ever will have."

"It hasn't seemed like it lately," she answered.

"I'm sorry about that," I said, thinking Evans was gone and that I needed to circle the wagons. "I got caught up in my shiny new toy. It wasn't all it was cracked up to be."

"Have you seen your old makeout buddy, Steve? He and Sally look like they're out of a fairy tale."

I had noticed Steve and Sally. Steve was in a traditional tuxedo, and he looked perfect. Sally had her hair up, and she looked elegant, like Grace Kelly at the height of her powers. They dripped of class, and they looked like they were headed to a state dinner.

"Yes," I said. "But, she looks more like a beard than a princess."

As I said that, I caught Evans' eye. He was dancing with Karen, about 25 feet away. Unlike the rest of the week, he didn't look away, pretending he didn't see me. Instead, he smiled and arched one eyebrow, a move that reminded me of my mother.

I was surprised when he mouthed "hi" over Karen's shoulder. I did nothing back. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I was sure I was pissed at his week of diffidence and indifference.

I turned Lori around so she was facing Evans and Karen.

"Ugh," she said. "There's Olive Oyl and your ridiculous Evans, dressed in black like he's trying to live out Depeche Mode's 'Dressed in Black.'"

"I think he looks good," I said, not able to help myself.

"That's because you want to suck his dick," Lori responded, cutting to the chase. "But, he's not going to let you, so you should stop pining for it."

I wanted to tell her I wasn't so sure, that we had slept in the same bed, and that we'd made each other come. Instead, I said nothing. Discretion is the better part of valor.

When "Follow You, Follow Me" ended, the lights came up. The dance was over. Everyone would splinter off. Evans and Karen would go wherever that clique went. Lori, my friends, and I would head to a basement, mostly to talk about Evans and Karen and ridiculous people like them who thought things like Homecoming King and Queen mattered.

We were in Peter's basement until almost 1 a.m. I thought of spending the night. I had no curfew, but it was about 15 blocks to our apartment, and it was a chilly November night. I don't know what persuaded me otherwise, but I had an urge to walk home instead.

I was stunned to find Evans sitting on the porch of our building when I walked up. He was shivering.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked.

"Waiting for you, Cupcake."

"Why?

"Because I wanted to see you."

"Did you buzz? My mother would've let you in."

"No, Eric. I decided to wait in the cold instead," he said, obviously sarcastically. "Of course, I buzzed. I got no answer. I almost gave up on you."

I wanted to say something clever, like "You should never give up on me." But, I couldn't. I was in deeper water than I was used to, and I was an awkward and clumsy swimmer.

I opened the door and led him up the stairs. Once in my apartment, we plopped down on the couch and covered ourselves with my blanket. The walk home had chilled me to the bones. I could only imagine how cold Evans was.

"I'm sorry," Evans started.

"For what?" I answered, pretending to be oblivious. "You didn't do anything."

"I did. I freaked. I told myself I wouldn't, but I did."

"It's okay."

"It's not. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything I didn't want yo to do. But, I kind of punished you anyway. It was a cookie move. I'm not a cookie."

"It's okay, I promise."

"It's not. Anyway, I really like you, Cupcake. A lot. I didn't do anything I didn't want to do. I'm just not sure I'm ready to do what I did. I talk a good game. But, it's pretty much all talk. I'm afraid of this. Really, really afraid."

I wasn't sure what he meant by "this." It could have been me and him. It could have been resolving who he was.

I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to encourage him. I wanted to reassure him.

But, I had no experience or innate wisdom from which to draw. I was as afraid as he was. But, I was afraid of something different. He was afraid of finding me. I was afraid of losing him.

I had nothing to say, so I put my head on his shoulder instead. He lowered his head to mine. When I turned my face toward his, he asked if he could kiss me.

"Only if you want to."

"If I didn't want to, I wouldn't have asked."

We were making things way too difficult. I should have said "Yes, please." And, he should have said "I do."

Still, he lowered his mouth to mine, and everything happened at once. The sun came out. The rain poured down. Thunder struck. Lightning hit. The Earth trembled.

When we needed air, he pulled away. "My God," I said.

"Yes," he agreed. "My God."

We rested against each other. I wanted to ask him to stay, but I didn't. I was too timid. I said nothing.

Nature abhors a vacuum. He filled the silence with his turmoil. "I'm not sure I'm ready for this. It's very scary to me."

There are essential moments in life. They usually occur when two options confront you, one that can be captured with a bold move, and the other that defaults from a tepid move. I was tepid, and defaulted to what was easy, but unwanted.

"Look, Evans, we can just be friends. I love being friends with you. I don't need more than that. Hell, I don't want more than that. Let's forget Halloween and the next morning and that kiss and go back to the way things were. There's nothing scary in that."

I could tell from the look on his face that he was hoping for the bold move. But, I couldn't take back what I had said.

"Yes, let's," he said, pulling the blanket off of himself and standing up. "That'll be perfect. We'll go back to the way things were. We'll pretend last weekend never happened. We'll pretend that kiss – that awesome kiss – meant nothing."

He ducked out as my mother was coming in. I was crying when she closed the door behind her.

"What's wrong, Honey?"

"Nothing. Everything. I don't know. I think I just made a terrible mistake."

"It can't be that bad."

"It is. I hate pretending. And, I just pretended I didn't want what I want. I think my pretension was terrible."

My mother settled next to me and cradled me to her bosom. She let me cry for awhile before imparting motherly wisdom.

"Honey, there's nothing that's done that can't be undone. Tomorrow's a new day, and it holds endless opportunities. Wash today away. Embrace tomorrow and the opportunities it offers."

I fell asleep wondering if I could heed her advice. And, if I could, how I would.

My sleep was troubled. I awoke wondering why I had pretended to want other than what I wanted. As I thought about it, I felt myself hurtling down tunnel after tunnel, each narrower than the one before. Before I got stuck, I hopped up and headed outside. The cold air jarred and rescued me. I stayed outside until I was so cold I thought my teeth may break as I chattered.