Chapter 7 – Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

When I woke up, Mace was gone. I found a note in soap on my bathroom mirror. "Merry Christmas and thank you for my wonderful gift."

My family and I headed to Bogota for Christmas. Gay was definitely not okay in Colombia, so I was going to have to be very careful if I got the urge to get laid.

Of course I did. I found a clandestine bar, picked a boy, and fucked his face and ass in the backseat of his car. I'd have been arrested and imprisoned if I had gotten caught.

I didn't have a condom, so I filled that boy's ass with my cum. I should have cared, but I didn't.

He pleaded with me in Spanish to make him come. I didn't want to, so I pretended not to speak Spanish and signaled for him to jack himself off. When I got back to my aunt's house, I stared at myself in the mirror, wondering who I was.

*****

Avery and I stayed at Bruce's for New Year's Eve. Over dinner, I came clean and told them about my feelings for Mace and the "Sam and Diane" game we had been playing.

They were not surprised. But, they immediately porcupined for me, raising their hackles to try to protect me from getting hurt.

"Puta, Mace is in town only for a year," Bruce reasoned. "When his clerkship's over, he's headed to wherever John is. Protect yourself."

"It may be too late."

"Then back up."

"I'm not sure I can. I think maybe Mace is the one."

"Whoa," Avery intoned. "The one? I thought you were certain there was no such thing. I'm pretty sure you described it as a 'hetero construct that was unrealistic and used to delude young girls into worshiping men.'"

"I think I was wrong. I feel different about Mace than I have about anyone else. When I'm with him, I'm a better person."

Avery and Bruce just smiled. Years of my own rebuke confronted me in those smiles. I was eating raw crow.

"If that is so," Avery finally said, "then you need to give it all you've got, Puta. You have to throw everything you have at him. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't."

Bruce agreed. "Puta, if anyone or anything makes you change how you think about things, you have to give it your all. You'll wither away if you don't."

When we were finished, we were all in agreement. I may not ultimately get Mace, but I needed to fight for him as hard as I could. I had never fought for anyone, so I didn't know what to do.

*****

The first Monday of 1993, I made a grand Colombian dinner for Mace. We ate it at my coffee table, which I had dressed with a cloth and candles. It was the first time we had seen each other since we had exchanged Christmas gifts. Mace had immediately complimented the earring. I had responded it was my new favorite thing.

Mace seemed reflective, and I inquired as to why. He told me he thought 1993 was going to be a significant year for him, he had a couple of big decisions he needed to make, and he wasn't sure he was mentally prepared to make them. One dealt with his job. His clerkship ended at the end of August, and he had to figure out what he wanted to do after that. He had a lot of options, but he wanted to make sure he chose the right one.

The other had to do with John. If they were going to be together, then Mace needed to allow that to inform his professional decision, as John was in D.C. for at least two more years. But, Mace seemed to be having doubts about John, which he either couldn't or wouldn't share with me.

"I can't talk to you about him, Puta."

"Why not?"

"I think your opinions might be tainted by self-interest."

"I can be objective."

Mace disputed my claim by cocking his right eyebrow at me. I smiled back, knowing he was right.

"Alright," I admitted. "But, even an objective person would tell you that you can't build a relationship with someone who refuses to admit who they are and what they are. You just can't. He's going to marry some unfortunate woman and try to keep you on the side. It's fucked up."

"I'm sorry, Puta. But, like I said, I can't talk to you about this. And, I don't want to. I like you, a lot. I like being friends with you, a lot. I don't want John to become an obstacle to that friendship."

I felt like I had just been scolded. My back was up, and my natural instinct was to lash out. I didn't. I decided to take a softer approach. I put my hand on his and confessed.

"Look, Mace, I know you love John. I just don't think he can or will love you like you love him. And, I don't want you to settle for less than you deserve. I want to see you with someone who loves you more than you love him."

"Like you, Puta? Is that what you think you're offering me."

"Yes, that's what I think I'm offering you."

"But that's against everything you've said."

"You've changed my mind."

It was finally all out there, and Mace's eyes welled with tears. Before any fell, he announced he had to go, stood up, and beelined for my door.

"Mace, don't leave."

"I have to," he said, pulling the door shut behind him before I could get to it.

I circled the wagons and called Avery and Bruce over. We were on the patio, and I told them I wasn't sure that I had done it properly, but I had laid it all out for Mace. We walked over and over through every word and every movement. We interpreted and re-interpreted actions and reactions. We speculated about where it all would go.

I was almost asleep when my phone rang.

"Hello."

"Juan, it's Mace. I hope I didn't wake you."

"You didn't. I just climbed into bed. What's up?"

"Sorry I bolted on you like that."

"You don't have to apologize to me. You never have to apologize to me."

"This is hard, Juan. I'm struggling, and I don't know what to do. I'm normally so excited flying east to John. Last weekend, I felt more excited flying west back to you."

"That makes me happy."

"I know. But, it doesn't make me happy. It's tormenting me. When I'm with John, I feel like I'm cheating on you. When I'm with you, I feel like I'm cheating on John. No matter where I am, I feel shitty about what I'm doing. . . . So, I think we should stop hanging out for awhile. I've told myself for the last month or so that I can control my emotions and just be friends with you. But, I can't. When I'm with you, I want more than that."

"Does John know?"

"God, no. He thinks this is just a thing between the two of us. I can't tell him I'm attracted to another man. He'll freak about me not being gay."

I'm not sure Mace understood how fucked up his explanation sounded. Or, that his explanation suggested he was making the wrong choice in pushing me away.

"Look, Mace. I know I can't talk you out of this. I'm not even going to try. I'm not going to be satisfied going back to a purely platonic thing with you, and you won't either. Neither of us have admitted it, but we've been lovers for awhile no. Not sexually. But in every other way. I love you. I want to be with you. You've made me re-think everything I was certain of. I think you're making a mistake. But, it's your mistake to make."

Neither of us spoke for awhile. I couldn't tell if Mace was thinking or re-thinking. He finally broke the silence.

"I have to figure this out. I don't think I can if you're right in front of me and John's in D.C. I don't want to take the easy way out. I need space so I can think things through logically and rationally."

"I don't think logic and reason apply here. I used to. But I don't anymore."

"I just need some space."

"Then take it. But, don't stay gone too long."

"I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too."

We hung up. I felt heartbroken. I called Avery and then Bruce. I woke each of them up. I cried as they tried to comfort me.