Chapter 17 – Chapter 17

I was despondent when Trick (and Raylan) headed back to school. The house seemed empty without the boys, their banter, and the constant sex.

But, the silence allowed me to refocus on who I was and what I wanted. You can have guiding principles and values, but they evanesce when a kid with a chiseled body and a beautiful dick is in front of you suggesting you do other than what you would normally do. They disappear when there are two of them making those suggestions.

Before Trick left, he and I spent a day together, just the two of us. It was January, but the day was unseasonably mild, so we walked around Loose Park, talking.

I wanted to know who he was and what he wanted. He assured me he was a 21 year old man and he wanted to be in love. But, he also did not want to be constrained by the atavistic notions "adults" had about love and sex and what was or was not acceptable or moral or right. He was a drop of water on the sidewalk, meandering here and there and wherever the cracks and indentations of life took him.

I asked him if he wanted to be in a throuple with Raylan, and he said he wasn't sure, but he didn't think so. He knew Raylan would be leaving soon through the draft, and he wasn't sure he wanted either of us to get any more emotionally invested in him than we already were. But, he also knew that he wanted us to spend as much time with Raylan as we could before he headed off. He admitted he loved Raylan, and he insisted that Raylan deserved to be loved, to feel like he was part of an accepting and loving family.

I had planned to tell him I was not interested in sharing him with Raylan any more, and that I was too old and too hidebound to be in a 3-way relationship (especially when the other two would soon be headed back to the apartment they shared, 200+ miles from me). Trick's "confession," however, deterred me. I would not risk him. I would lose myself first.

I bought a car for Trick to take back to school. It wasn't much (a 3 year old Accord), but I wanted him to be able to return to me. And, selfishly, I did not want to be the only fish in the stream, always swimming toward him.

Once Raylan and Trick were gone, my mind immediately raced to what would happen between the two of them once they got back to CoMo. I was pretty sure I knew. They'd share the same bed. They'd fuck and suck and provide each other with extraordinary pleasure. Trick might be thinking of me as they did. Raylan would certainly be thinking of Trick.

*****

A week after Trick left, his father and I had to travel together to Omaha for work. Rob's assistant had made the arrangements, and I was surprised to see she had us sharing a room. After a long day of travel and work, Rob suggested we have a "final final" in our hotel bar. Three drinks later, I was vexed. Rob rarely drank, and my experience with him suggested he used alcohol as a sexual lubricant.

When we were back in the room for the night, Rob stripped naked and settled back on his bed. In and of itself, this meant little; Rob slept naked, which I had long known.

When he surfed to porn, I knew he had an agenda. After all, that was the setup for our first sexual encounter. I didn't know what to do, so I turned my back to him and pretended I wanted to go to sleep.

"Are you asleep?" he asked.

"Not yet."

"You want to blow me?"

"No," I lied. I did. No matter what else was before me, Rob was my best friend, I had invested years in seducing him, and I still pined for him.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Rob, I just don't think it's a good idea. We sealed that can. Selfishly, I am not sure we should open it again."

I could have said, "You fucked up. You let me go. You stayed with a woman who barely tolerates you. So be it, I'm with your son now, and it's awesome to be with someone who is not constrained by their small town, closed minded rearing." But, I decided to be passive. I fell asleep.

When I woke up, Rob was behind me, his hard-on pressing against me, and his right arm wrapped around me. It was almost 5, and Rob had apparently moved to my bed in the night.

Rob must have known I was awake. "I want you," he said.

I was angry that he took advantage of me being asleep, so I shot back, "You should want the wife you chose."

"I do, but she doesn't want me."

Rob moved his hand to my crotch. "Let me fuck you. For old time's sake."

"No!" I insisted.

Rob was undeterred and started to jerk my hardening dick.

"I said, 'No!'" I insisted.

Rob responded "I want so much" and pinned me to the bed, face down, his erection pressing into me. I feared he would not going to accept my "no" and was going to force himself on me. My entire body tensed, and I raged, "Rob, you need to get off of me, right now."

He relented. "Okay, okay," he said, rolling off me.

We got dressed and headed back to KC.

As we drove, Rob raised the elephant in the room. "I'm sorry about this morning. I wasn't going to force myself on you. But, I surprised you said 'no'."

"I thought we were done with that," I said.

"I did, too."

"So, what changed?"

"l'm not ready to be celibate, and I'm just not cut out for meaningless sex with someone I don't love."

"Why don't you get divorced?"

"I can't do that. Not with the kids still at home."

"Why don't you get her into therapy?"

"She won't go."

"Have you told her how important this aspect of your marriage is to you?"

"Repeatedly."

"And she doesn't care?" I asked.

"No. . . . I think we should go back to where we were."

"I can't do that," I insisted.

"Why not?"

"I'm in love with someone else."

"Who?"

I froze. If I said "your son," then it would definitely mean the end of the sexual temptation Rob still posed to me. But, it would also mean the end of our friendship.

"You don't know him," I said.

"I'd like to."

"You wouldn't."

"You're probably right. And, I know you deserve more than I can give, but I can give only what I can give. If you're open to it, I'd like to go back to where we were. I don't care if there's someone else."

"I do. And, I love the someone else. A lot."

"Okay, but I think you love me more than you love him," he said, hopefully.

"You think you know more than you do," I answered, directly.

We drove on in silence. Rob was wrong. I loved Trick more than I loved him. It was odd to admit that to myself, as it is odd to admit you love someone after six weeks more than you love someone after sixteen years. But, that's the way it was.

When we got to Rob's house, I met him at the trunk. He hugged me, and I hugged him back.

"Think about it," he said.

"Thank you," I said. "But, I'm going to try to be the person I should be, not the person I am." I didn't mean to, but I was obviously subtly judging him as I did.

Rob raised my face to his. I had no idea if anyone was looking at us through the window. He kissed my forehead, said "I love you," and turned toward his house. And his family.

I was torn as I drove to my house. I loved Trick, but there was so many obstacles, including the 200 miles between where he was and I was, the 25 years between his age and mine, Raylan, and his very open attitude toward sex. He neither expected nor wanted monogamy (although I doubted his openness extended to his father).

I also loved Rob, and he was only six blocks away. He was married, but only nominally. I could probably have him any time I wanted.

As I pulled into my garage, I received a text from Rob. "I'd like to come over later and talk some more."

It took me two hours to text him back. In those two hours, I typed every available response, but sent none of them. I invited him over. I slammed the door. I left wiggle room. Nothing seemed right.

Finally, I answered. "Be my friend. Leave me be." I got a quick "OK" in reply.