Chapter 15 – Chapter 15

Part Fifteen

We took Kurt and Kyle and headed to the Amalfi coast for our honeymoon. We invited Matthew and Mark, but they, of course, declined. They'd rather eat a bucket of wet hair than spend two weeks with me in Italy. So, they stayed in New England with their friends/D.C. with Melissa's parents.

We loved the Amalfi coast, especially Positano. The four of us had a great trip. It was fueled by the euphoria of Maine, and Kurt and Kyle were riding the highest.

Our first night on the coast, we had two rooms. But, that was futile. Kurt and Kyle would not leave our room, so they slept with us in our bed. We all slept on our left sides . . . Teddy, me, Kurt, Kyle. My arms were long enough that I reached around both Kurt and Kyle.

The next day, we cancelled the Ks' room. There was no reason to waste the money; Kurt and Kyle were definitely staying with us. It was not the honeymoon I expected (Teddy and I were never alone), but it was the honeymoon I needed.

We stayed on the coast for two weeks. As our trip was coming to an end, I noticed that Teddy seemed thinner. I asked him about it.

"Are you losing weight?"

"No, why?"

"When I put my head on your chest, you seem thinner. I think you are losing weight."

It was a harmless observation. Five months later, I was alarmed. Teddy was thinner than I ever remembered, even though I knew he was working out daily. I addressed it at Thanksgiving, a holiday for which Mathew and Mark deigned to grace us with their presence.

It was Thanksgiving Eve, and Teddy and I had just made furtive love. We were coming down, and my head was on his chest. As I looked down him, he seemed skinny. Too skinny.

"Teddy, you are too thin."

"I can't keep weight on. I eat and work out and just get thinner."

"That's not right."

"I know."

"You need to go to the doctor."

"I know, but I'm scared."

"There's no reason to be."

I would turn out to be very wrong.

Matthew and Mark were borderline tolerable during their visit. It was clear Kurt and Kyle reveled in their presence. And, it was clear their father loved having them home, and they loved being with him. It was equally clear they did not enjoy me, and I did not enjoy them. In fact, I thought they were dicks. I'm sure they thought the same of me.

We dropped Matthew and Mark at Midway on Sunday. With their grumpiness toward me absent from the house, we had a great Sunday night. Kurt and Kyle were talkative at dinner, and we played Risk after. It had been my favorite game as a child, and I had taught the Ks to enjoy world domination.

Once the Ks were settled in their rooms, Teddy and I settled into ours. I could tell he was horny. While I was brushing my teeth, he pulled my boxers down and started licking my ass. When I leaned over to spit, he started rimming me. When I had had as much as I could take, I turned around and pulled Teddy to his feet. I sucked his nipples as I undid the tie on the scrubs he was wearing, freeing his now rock hard dick. My tongue followed his path to paradise. I licked the precum from his piss slit and took him in my mouth. I took him to the base and started milking him. I could feel him getting close, but he stopped me and pulled me up. He kissed me and led me to our bed. Once there, he worked us into a 69 and we started sucking each other in rhythm. We had not done this in ages, but we were still good at it. We came at the same time, filling each other's mouths. We both swallowed, but neither of us pulled off the other. We went soft in each other's mouths. I was almost asleep when I heard Teddy say "come up here." I did. He kissed me goodnight, and I fell asleep with my face in his chest.

The next morning, Teddy fucked me missionary style before the Ks banged on our door to rouse us. It was familiar, but still fantastic. We stared into each others eyes the entire time. Right after he came, he pulled out and took me in his mouth. I filled his throat almost immediately.

Teddy unlocked the door, slipped back into his scrubs, and tossed my boxers to me. The Ks predictably joined us in bed a few minutes later. They climbed in bed with us almost every morning, even if only long enough for us to say the Serenity Prayer as a group.

Once we got the Ks off to school, I went with Teddy to our doctor. We jointly discussed his weight loss. Then, Teddy surprised my by mentioning recurring back pain I had never heard about before.

We were there way longer than I expected. I had a feeling of foreboding when we left. They had run test after test after test. They had not said anything remotely optimistic. They seemed to be cushioning us, at least in retrospect. I think they knew what was coming and tried very hard not to alarm us until they were sure.

They called us back in later that week, and we heard words no one should ever hear in the same sentence . . . cancer . . . pancreas . . . advanced. Pancreatic cancer is awful. When they find it early-which almost never happens-the victim has little chance. When they find it late-as they had with Teddy-the victim has no chance.

Our once bright future was now not bright at all. It was dark, clouded and shrouded by Teddy's unavoidable and imminent death.

We tried to shield the Ks, but we could not. They were smart and perceptive and incisive and knew the mood on Hastings had changed dramatically. But, we did not know how to tell them. They had lost one parent to cancer, and now they were going to lose another to the same dreaded disease.

With no good option, we decided to be as direct as we could. Of course, they were afraid and they cried. Once they knew, the three of us cried and cried and cried together, shielding their father whenever we could but overwhelming each other with our shared grief.

We did not try to shield Matthew and Mark. We brought them into the loop immediately. Like the Ks, they were shattered. The truth was revealed; they were happy to be rebels so long as their rebellion bore little or no consequence. Their tone and attitude changed immediately.

The six of us had a somber, joyless Christmas. But, the break brought us all closer together. Matthew and Mark moved past their resentment of me and enjoyed their father and brothers.

Teddy wanted things to stay as normal as they could. I did not. I convinced him not to send M&M back to New Hampshire for the Spring semester. I thought they should spend whatever time their father had left with him.

I also took a leave of absence from the bench. I'd have been a useless judge in any event, my heart and mind wandering elsewhere when I should have been focused on the litigants and the issues before me.

We spent our days together, pretending through games of Monopoly and Risk and Trivial Pursuit that we were not engaged in a long, sad good-bye.

Teddy did not last long. He wasted, his body leaving us long before his mind.

He died in our house in February. It was the middle of the night, so I was the only one with him.

I was curled up beside him in bed. He was emaciated. He was no longer Teddy.

I held his bony body. I told him I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone or anything. I cried into his neck.

I felt his labored breathing. I felt his last labored breath.

I held him. He was gone, but I held him. He was dead, but I held him.

Our life together was over, but I held him.