Chapter 5 – Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Jet was in my bed, and I was again trying to sleep on my floor. I knew from Jet's breath he was not asleep. I had learned the rhythms of his breathing and what they meant.

"Ev. You asleep?"

"No."

"Will you come up here?"

"Why?"

"I need you to."

"Okay."

I stood up and sat on the edge of my lost bed. I was wearing an undershirt and shorts.

"Will you hold me?"

"Sure," I answered. Jet rolled toward the wall, and I curled up behind him. I put my left arm around him.

"Jet," I whispered. "You really need to let this go. You have great successes ahead of you. But, you also have great failures. You need to learn to deal with both."

"This isn't about the game, Ev. It's about me. I've been holding a lot in, and it all seems to be flooding out. I feel like I'm drowning."

"I'm listening."

"I want to tell you something."

"You can."

"I've never told anyone this."

"You can tell me anything, Luke," I said, reverting back to the name I preferred. "You're my best friend. Nothing you say can or will change that."

"I think maybe I'm gay."

I had wondered if that was coming. There were so many signs, and I noticed most of them. Questions to me. No girlfriend. No apparent interest in girls. Unannounced visits to me.

"It doesn't matter to me if you are."

"I know that."

"But, what makes you think so?"

"Your story resonated with me. It was like I was listening to you talk about me. I've never dated a girl, and I don't really care that I haven't. I'm not really even attracted to them. I notice pretty girls. But, that's all I do, notice. I'm not sure I'm attracted to guys, but I may be oppressing myself to appease my God or my parents."

"Let's talk about this tomorrow. The sun burns the mist off. Light provides clarity. All may be different in the light of day."

"I don't think so."

"I know. But, let's sleep and see."

"Can we pray first?"

"Sure."

Luke rolled over, took my hands in his, and pressed his forehead to mine. When he didn't say anything, I prayed. "Lord, we love You with our hearts, our minds, and our bodies. Please reveal Your will for our lives to us. Open our eyes that we may see it, open our minds that we may understand it, and open our hearts that we may accept it. Please especially reveal Your will to Luke. Help him, guide him, and love him. We pray in the name of Your Son, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with You, forever and ever. Amen."

"Amen."

I tried to let go of Luke and move back to the floor, but he wouldn't release me. We were hand in hand and forehead to forehead. Almost 13 feet of human, we were too big for a twin bed. It was all arms, elbows, legs, and knees trying to find sleep.

I waited for his breathing to change. I wanted him to sleep. I wanted him to find peace. I wanted the thoughts that were troubling him to recede. As I held his hands and pressed my forehead to his, I realized I was rooting for him to be straight, for him to wake up and dismiss his confusion as delusion, for him to know he was what I knew I was not. I was thinking selfless thoughts.

*****

The light of the morning woke me first. Luke was on his back, his face untroubled as he slept. He breathed through his nose, his mouth closed and his lips pursed. They were full and red and I wanted to kiss them. I knew I couldn't.

Luke had grown up loving the Chicago Cubs, which was odd for a Texas boy. When he was young, they had a flame throwing right hander named Kerry Wood, and Luke pretended to be him as he fired tennis balls at a strike zone his father had taped to the basement wall. As Luke slept, he was wearing a faded and tattered Cubs T-shirt. It was twisted up, and I could see the black trail of hair that led from his navel into his gym shorts. It was the most erotic thing I had ever seen.

I was taking him in when he woke up. "Good morning, Ev."

"Good morning, Luke."

"Can we pray?"

"Sure," I answered, again taking his hands in mine. "But, you should do it."

"I can't. You have to."

I started. "God, thank You for this day. Thank You for what You will give us today, thank You for what You will take from us today, and thank You for what You will leave us today. Please give us clarity of thought. Please do not let self-interest cloud our minds or impair Your will. Please give us the courage to act on Your will and to stand with You in all things. Please love us and guide us. We pray this in the name of Your Son, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with You, and who saved the world from sin. Amen."

"Amen."

I let go of Luke's hands and laid back on the bed, next to him. We stared at the ceiling. Neither of us spoke.

Finally, Luke broke the silence. "Ev, thank you for staying with me last night."

"You're welcome, Luke. That's what friendship is for. Stability in the storm."

"The light of day has not brought clarity."

"Time will. Don't be rash. Go slow. Think and pray."

"I've spent a lifetime thinking and praying. It's what has led me to this place."

"Still, His answers are often elusive. You need to be patient."

"I have been patient. You got your answer. How do you know I haven't gotten mine?"

"I don't, Luke. I don't know anything. I don't even know that I've gotten my answer."

"You act like you know."

"Look, Luke. I'd like to help you through this. I really would. But, I don't think I can. I'm want you to be straight, so you don't have to go through the turmoil I've gone through, so you don't have to hide from and lie to your family, so you don't have to fear that one misstep may break your family. So, I think I have a conflict on this."

"I don't have anyone else."

"You could find someone."

"Won't everyone have an agenda?"

"I don't think so. I have an idea. Let's get up and get dressed and go find a church that is at least open to the possibility that gay people can be good, God-loving Christians. We can make it about me. I can be the one vexed. We can talk to the Pastor. I think we'll get an open mind that may help you divine His will, but not try to influence you one way or the other."

"I think that's a good idea," Luke agreed, getting up and preparing to head back to the athletic dorm. While he was gone, I quickly showered and searched for churches on my laptop. I decided we'd look at Bering, Ecclesia, and Resurrection. It was going to be a long day.

In the end, the choice was easy. Luke and I liked Pastor Seaver very much, we exchanged numbers with him, and we planned to attend Ecclesia the following Sunday. As we headed back to campus, I encouraged Luke to let Paster Seaver guide his discernment, and he encouraged me to do the same. I agreed. While I thought I had found my answer on my own, it couldn't hurt to repeat the process guided by the hand and wisdom of another.

Luke and I were both spending the summer on campus. I was the star of the mathematics department, so I was spending the summer researching and writing. In my spare time, I continued to try to solve the unsolvable, including the Goldbach conjecture and the Riemann hypothesis.

Luke was working on conditioning and strength under the eye of the coaching staff. He's be starting for the Owls the next season, and they wanted to ensure he had the arm strength and the stamina to pitch deep into games.

With few others on campus, Luke and I spent a lot of time together. We worked jointly and separately with Pastor Seaver, and we talked endlessly about the process we were going through. In the end, it was not much of a process. If you are raised as we had been raised and still thinking at 19 or 20 that you might be gay, you almost certainly were. You may let the censure, judgment, and ridicule of Sodomites push you into the dark recesses of your deepest closet, but that didn't change what and who you were; it only disguised it.

Luke and I did not want to wear a disguise, especially after working with Pastor Seaver. He explained, and we knew, that pretending to be what we were not would be unfair to whomever we decided to pretend with. I thought it would be unfair to myself and to my God, too, pretending to be other than how He had made me.

As I said, I also rejected the view that gay Christians are called to celibacy. Whether out of revelation or self-interest, I rejected the Traditional View and embraced the Reformed View. I wanted to be in a Christ-centered marriage. And, I wanted sex to be part of that marriage.

Luke was not so sure. He was torn between the two Views, and working with Pastor Seaver on the theological underpinnings of both. With gay marriage likey headed to the United States within the decade, it was meaningful work.